Betrayal Trauma

[Deleted member 12723]

City Slicker, I am getting so much out of this thread. I too had no support or validation when I went through this. The Betrayal Bond is what we do with our parents who abused us and others. I get so much out of books so I will look into the books you mentioned. Thank you so much for this information. It is really timely for me and I greatly appreciate it. So much. It appears this new information you are giving is the support and validation I need right now. So thank you again.

 

[City Slicker]

Thank you gizmo. I am so glad this is helping. It is helping me so much too to be able to talk about it and the truth of my experience and to hear about how others have experienced this and are 'carrying' or healing from it.

The differences in the types of betrayal are striking to me.

It makes perfect sense that we feel betrayed at the hands of a parent or caretaker who is also the abuser but we know so very, very little and hence there is little validation for us when we have experienced the betrayal from people that could have stopped it, could have intervened, could have noticed, done something to help and did nothing or even made it worse in some way. Again, this is the experience of an actual 'betrayal trauma' and severely impacts us on top of all the other abuse, betrayal and trauma we experienced.

We learn very early to deny ourselves and to allow instead shame to regulate us since in a child's mind had what the adults were doing been wrong, someone would have stepped in - and no-one did. And because I _knew_ that others knew what was going on, it was recognizing recently that their willfull blindness was a huge trauma in and of itself. It required an extra level that needed addressing before I could really grasp a lot of my reactions and sensitivities to things.

Thank you again gizmo. Much energy to you for your healing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

City Slicker, I am going to order the books you recommended today. I have already written them down. It is the willful blindness that is called secondary wounding. Tragically it happens far too much in our world.

The real people in my life over the years have both seen and heard me and validated me and gave me some real hope.
I am learning so much from you right now. I have experienced so many times when people took the blind eye and were in denial and pretense.

Also a very interesting point you made about this particular kind of person is how very shaming they are. That is how I recognize that they are very toxic to be around.

It is evil in subltely. It is so sutle. All kinds of evil are commited by a person like this.

 

[City Slicker]

gizmo, I have also learned so much from you. I am checking into the book as well as I have some time ahead of me and I am feeling like I want to do a summer of studying. Yes, secondary wounding - you are right, sadly the extent to which this happens in our world. I think the real joy is to have a person or two in our lives with whom we can be as real as possible, who see us, who don't make us explain, who support us, expect things from us in only the best ways and can call us on things gently when we're losing the footing a bit.

Odd eh, I can understand the abuse so much more than I can tolerate the betrayal from the others that saw, that knew and ignored. That's the stuff, the anger and rage and fear that's most likely to come up in relationships for me - not that people will physically hurt me but rather that they will betray me.

The first book that I ever found that spoke about any of this was People of the Lie. At the time I had experienced what could only be called 'evil' in people yet I didn't want to see them or accept them as evil. I had a hard time believing or accepting that evil existed in people. But the book gave me a framework to understand 'functional' evil which at the time was a more comfortable concept for me than the more religious connotation of evil.

You are so right about how subtle it can be. I made a decision a long time ago that I wanted to be a person that was happy for other people, I wanted to celebrate their good news, wanted to feel happy for them when good things happened and to cry with them when they were sad; a person that looked for the good in people instead of the evil or nastiness that I discovered in my early life.

I did my best to get rid of judgements in myself and to watch how I phrased things to others. Mostly I did this because I worried that what was mirrored for me I would become. It terrified me that somehow I would end up like 'them'. But the more I worked at staying 'clean' in my motivations and interactions with others, the better I began to feel about myself and the more I realized that I was learning to trust myself. And in trusting myself, I would never be what they were - their stain would not be my stain. I would speak up when I saw something wrong even if it meant losing things I valued.

I hope the books I mentioned bring more information and healing for you - I am looking forward to the one you mentioned.

I am very glad for this discussion gizmo. Thank you.

 

[ghotiff]

I can understand the abuse so much more than I can tolerate the betrayal from the others that saw, that knew and ignored.

I agree and I think it's relevant that the number of abusers were fewer than the number of betrayers. Also, the abusers are clearly bad people, and we are allowed to hate everything about them. But the betrayers are not always bad people. My betrayers were (on the whole) good people outside of this betrayal.

 

[City Slicker]

I know what you mean ghotiff. That was one reason why I had a hard time seeing them as 'evil' as I couldn't understand how they could be so loving to their own children and seemingly caring to others and yet leave a child to die in such a horrible situation. I learned that humans are complexly motivated.

 

[ghotiff]

I once disclosed to a self defense teacher at a teenage girls class where the prime focus was on self defense against rape. I disclosed to him asking for help on what to do. While in the conversation he seemed to care and was shocked that I was still seeing the abuser, and being abused. He was even more shocked that my parents knew and did nothing.

The next week I was so embarrassed/ashamed about telling him that I went to apologize to him. I also had the secret hope that he had worked out some way to help me and I really wanted to see that caring look from him again.

He looked at me with confusion at first, then he remembered me and said. And I quote "don't worry about it, I had forgotten all about it" . My soul was crushed during that 2min conversation. He went from being my knight in shining armor to just another disappointment.

Nothing happened after that, he just walked away. I was about 14 at the time. My heart still pounds in my chest when I think about it.

 

[y5L]

Most of my abusers (4 of 5) live in the town I grew up in. That is reason enough to not want to return there, but knowing that betrayers are there too (some of whom were also abusers) make it feel impossible to return. To face memories and flashbacks is hard. Having them minimized, ignored, denied, or even chastised is unbearable.

 

[City Slicker]

And I quote "don't worry about it, I had forgotten all about it" . My soul was crushed during that 2min conversation. He went from being my knight in shining armor to just another disappointment.

Oh ghotiff, that just takes my breath away - the profound pain of his actions and the effect on your little soul. That's the type of betrayal that doesn't get expressed or discussed in PTSD but when you have experienced it, you never forget it. I understand why it comes up so physically inside and why it is quite different from other forms of betrayal.[DOUBLEPOST=1400166302,1400166043][/DOUBLEPOST]

To face memories and flashbacks is hard. Having them minimized, ignored, denied, or even chastised is unbearable.

Yes y5L, it's one thing to have people ignore or deny - but then to be chastised or punished because of it is beyond my ability to grasp.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

City Slicker I ordered the first book they did not have the second book and it should get here anytime now. I wish I had my books here now though, they are at my mobile home I am trying to sell and I moved in with my daughter and two granddaughters.

I had no empathetic witness to what was going on. I had no help and support.

But I am so glad that I moved far away from them all. It was a sick and toxic community. I am so glad to be free of it. I have so enjoyed this conversation. It happens far too much. Take care.