Beyond PTSD Introductions - Who Are You?

[TDurden1937]

Hey – I got an opinion on every thing, know enough to get into trouble, and I got a way of irritating people without meaning to, and can really get people mad if I try.


I want to escape to a warm dry climate as soon as possible and sit in a beach chair on a beach with the warm sun warming all of me, and listening to the surf rush and crash in the background.


I find most of the world boring so I read books on dramatic deeds of bravery during war mostly . . . and yearn for the chance to one day be martyred in the name of the Lord. Well, I'd probably have to go to Pakistan or India for that. Seems that's where Christians are getting martyred now days. Fat chance. Not the climate I'm looking for. Not much chance of getting martyred on the beach in southern California.


Had a drunk dad who was a bloody bastard, and nice supportive mom, two years in Nam on a ship and got most of my PTSD from my ****ing shipmates, bloody ****in' idiots. One guy put a gun to my head, another grabbed my dick when I was sleeping, and with the laundry burning up just after lights out I got one hell of an insomnia problem.


Got a son, best thing I did for the world. Spend my professional years as a psychiatric nurse on a hospital ward, guess I helped some people there all right, eh.


I intensely like to critique the thoughts and actions of others, am often correct, and insightful but when I become wrathful which I am inclined to do as many with PTSD do, I can use that as a nasty weapon.


Deep down I really am a soft-hearted dude, who wants to be nice to everyone and hates rejection, and I always feel alone. Sigh . . . So I use my big brain to build walls around myself so I don't have to be fearful of anything, or anyone.


BTW I live in Washington . . . ah, that is Washington State, NOT WASHINGTON DC. Thats, up in the corner, eh. By Vancouver, BC, as in Canada.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Veiled

This was such a fine thread I hate to see it fall be the wayside. Besides, What does
SAHM mean?

Stay At Home Mom

 

[Roo]

Hi, all...

I'm Roo, 48 years old and can't believe that I've walked this earth for so many years! I live with my husband -- my sweet man -- he and I came together just six years ago -- there's nothing like new love in midlife :Hug_emoticon:He's the most beautiful gift that Life has given me...We share our home with three cats -- (I notice there are lots of cat lovers here!) -- two are kittens, both rescued last year, and one is 11 years old: the Queen of Everything :wink: My man and I live quietly and have a small circle of kin and intimate friends...we both love music, literature and poetry, long walks and hikes, art, conversation, Mediterranean food, animals...I've worked in many capacities -- mostly in social work/psychotherapy (although I left that field seven years ago)...I'm a poet, have sung professionally, and edit for a literary journal. I've been studying the I Ching for 27 years; am writing (slowly!) a book on it...I collect quotations -- one favourite is this: "Expression is the one fundamental sacrament, and love is the one fundamental expression." (Albert North Whitehead wrote the first part...I added the second.) My deepest nature is very affectionate, somewhat naive, on the mystical side, artistic. I've come a long way in my healing journey and have a long way to go. I live in Canada, although I'd live in Folly Beach, South Carolina, in a heartbeat if I could! Despite my struggles and appearances to the contrary, I know I have a sturdy soul, a resilient spirit and an unstoppable love of life. I have been blessed with many friends and mentors/healers...I am grateful...

 

[tude]

More about me, beyond the superficial:

It’s difficult for me to share things about myself. This does impede the development of any and all relationships in my life

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a truck driver. That changed when I realized I was smarter than the average bear (Remember that from the Yogi the Bear cartoon?). After working as a communication electronics technician in the military, I landed my current job. I absolutely love emergency medicine. I have been stalling on going back to school because it will put a huge damper on my time and money. I think my free time is worth more to me than the amount of money in my bank account. It was only last year, before all this started, that I decided what I want to be when I grow up. Since I am into working smarter, not harder, I decided on physician assistant rather than nurse. Furthering my education is once again on the back burner because I have a few things to take care of first- myself, and whether or not I can afford to stay to stay in this field.

I don’t like to define myself, my life, by my work. For that matter, I don’t like to be defined by anything or anyone. I think it’s referred to as individualism. I like to challenge authority. Sometimes it’s important to think outside the box and color outside of the lines. I prefer to discover my own truths, not succumb or abide by those that are imposed on us by society. Some of those truths I live by do change or evolve as my experiences change. My flexibility, humility, and open-mindedness provide a good balance.

I enjoy exercising my mind in a good game of chess or poker and reading. The last good book I read, which would appeal to you philosophers, was Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I enjoy exercise because when I feel physically strong, I feel mentally strong. When it’s warm, I enjoy being outside because I feel connected. As for riding my motorcycle… it’s thrilling to have that much power humming between my legs at the control of my hand…I feel more closely connected seeing the ground whiz by inches from my feet…I appreciate the view, which isn’t framed by the windows of a car but only my peripheral vision.

Thank you everyone for sharing. I have enjoyed this thread more than I imagined I would.

 

[linasmom]

Let's see if I can try this.

I'm Rachel, 30 years old and married with one daughter who is seven, one cat, one dog, 2 fish tanks and a pond. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, PA but to moved to South Florida at a very young age and grew up there. Now I live in Charlotte, NC.

When I was younger, I was an exceptional ballet dancer and horse back rider, but my mother forced me to quit both. I'm a published poet who likes to dabble in photography. Currently, I'm interested in Lomography and my husband got me a Holga for Christmas. Sometimes, I like to alter cool cigar boxes with acrylic paint. I'm an art junkie - my grandfather worked at an art museum when I was growing up.

I'm also a news junkie and have a love/hate relationship with politics. My dad was a hippie and tried joining the black panthers in the early 70's. Of course, because he is white, they wouldn't let him in. I think this is where I get my "revolutionary" personality.

I also love film - my favorite directors are the Coen Brothers, Kubrick, Kieslowski, and Herzog.

Hmm, I think that's it.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Tactman]

I have finally talked with a therapist about everything, he thinks it would be a good idea to kinda let me hair down. I think this is the best forum for me. I was recently brought stateside for political reasons. This country amazes me. I drive around and it's like noone realized there is a war going on. American men and woman, my brothers and sisters are losing their lives every day, EVERY DAY. Has anyone attended a random funeral of a soldier they didn't know? You don't have to know the soldier, just know that he gave his life, his or her life, to save yours. It means the world to the soldiers famalies when strangers show up and show genuine compassion. Ok, enough of my tirate.

I am in my mid 30's and am in the military. My PTSD is active. Very active. Something will happen and it will haunt the little sleep I get. I gave up my family for some form of vindication after 9-11. I could have been out of the military then but I re-upped and then they dangle the career carrot in front of you and of course I took it hook line and sinker.

At times I don't feel human. I feel like an animal that gets unleashed when other elements fail an objective. I think a huge part of my PTSD stems from watching my children grow up without me. When I recently came stateside they didn't even recognize me. Anyway, this post will probably be deleted so Im not going to share anymore.......

 

[upstream]

Thank you for serving Tactman... I appreciate it.

 

[Tactman]

Here is a letter I wrote to the woman I am totally in love with, she moved on because of my military career but later told me she would have done anything and waited however long. This is my story....

It was amazing to get to talk to you on the phone for so long today. I have to admit, when we first started talking it wasnt the *** I was used to. I want you to know something, I do love you and your babies. I dream the dream that one day we will be able to move to the western coast of Australia. I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up every morning watching the sun slowly move across your body. I imagine what it would be like to watch all the kids playing in the surf.

It's not a reality tho. Even if it is a false one I think about it more than you know. In all reality you are totally stuck. It kills me that your not with someone who is your soul mate. It kills me that I know what my fate is. There is no escaping it. Im one of 4 of the originial 12 of my assigned team. All the others have been KIA. Ive accepted this. The other night when *** was laying on me and playing with my hands she asked me why my hands, arms, chest, and neck were all "messed up". How do you answer that? ** is ***, he is so smart. He already knows what he wants to be when he grows up. This is hard.

I know we had always agreed on religion, this may come as a suprise to you, parts of me believes in some form of afterlife. I've been in some of the most horrendous firefights on this earth. Something, someone told me to look or move to another location and when I would do that a RPG would hit where I was at seconds before. I want to believe my guys are in heaven and all of them haven't died in vain. I want to believe in God more than you know. I pray now. I pray everyday for you, for you to find your way, for you to find yourself. I pray for my family, and my guys.

Here is the catch 22. What if what we are doing is wrong and the insurgents are fighting the actual battle of God. What if we are the enemy the bible speaks of? Are we all condemned to Hell no matter what we stand for or believe in.

I heard a Linkin Park song today on the radio, it hit home for me. See what you think,

What I've Done, Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus:]
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest

What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done


I wish I could do this. I wish I could erase who and what I have become. I wish I could go back in time and know that you were serious about moving out of Florida. I would have moved you and the girls in a heart beat. At the time all of this went down I couldn't handle how everything was going down. I wanted to die, I didn't care how. I know Ive told you all this before. I came to Iraq to end the anguish. To end the nightmares. It just won't happen.

As hard as this is for me to say, you deserve someone so much better than me. I know I will never beat my Thanatos or PTSD. There will always be someone our government wants killed and I'll be the first to volunteer to go. I wake up in the middle of the night in the middle of a flashback, I'll wake up holding my rifle moving through where I am staying. How can that be a safe place to raise a child. They would know I love them, I think they know that know. Your mother knows how I feel about you and the girls which is why she asks about me. She knows we should be together. I know we should, you do too. The sad thing is, I just know it will never happen.

Our song, you know the song. Im beyond saving. I wish you could find true happiness, you deserve so much more than what you have now. You deserve to feel true love, not just being with someone who needs you more than loves you. Anyway, it's late. Im going to drive back home in a few hours and Im going to call you. I hope we talk again after this, if not in this lifetime then another. I wish I could have been there for you, I love you.........

 

[grace5555]

Tactman - i am glad you made it back safely.

 

[Cindy]

Hi everyone, I'm a 50 year old high school science teacher. I was a research scientist turned teacher. I have a 22 year old daughter who also is becoming a teacher this year. I divorced my abusive husband when she was two. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from outside the family. I was diagnosed with PTSD and BPD 4 years ago when I attempted suicide. Since then I have come so far at expressing my feelings. For inner peace I try to focus on my creativity through art therapy, beading, and writing. I love to read and sit in the woods.

This year I would like to start taking better care of myself physically by eating better and exercizing. I plan to take the summer off from teaching for the first time in years and take a real break for 8 weeks.
It will be a challenge not to become a hermit, which I do on week ends. I also am the caretaker of my 86 yo mother who still can live independently :). For the first time in over 20 years I am receptive for a relationship but don't have a clue where to begin since I have never had a "normal" one. This scares me to death.

 

[rob4444]

ok here goes..suffering ptsd/bpd/ocd/bipolar/adhd/fibromyalgia/anxiety/stress/chronic depression and a few others i forgot..highly inteligent,but fcuked in the head..im from the n.s.w. highlands australia...47yo ex truckie..ex smoker..ex alcoholic..ex biker...ex member of society...married with 3 kids.sometimes im scared of my own shadow..sometimes i explode in violence.
im constantly trying new hobbies..usualy mastering them quickly before walking away and forgeting them totaly,although guitar is a constant challenge/therapy...i think outside the square and my mechanical expertise is in demand,although im agorophobic nowdays and couldnt bother....have no technical training..completely self taught but offered work in engineering..metal fabrication and the timber industry...i only work by myself and find logging and firewood my best option..but only a few months a year if i feel up to it.
i cant relate to others ,even family and dont have any emotions/attachment with my siblings or wifes friends.i do everything at 110% and wont except any less from anyone..hence i only work alone.im totaly monogamous and violent towards any threat/potential suiter for my wife...i trust no one..no one!...im a pretty sad case i suppose,but im stuck with it.i have some psychic ability ,but who believes anyone like me...i cant make eye contact with strangers..prefering not to meet anyone.i freak people out..not intentionaly...cannot converse with others..computers have opened up a whole new world to me....i give free fire wood to pensioners and free cancer treatment information to sufferers...those who believe can survive...most dont believe...they die!

 

[TLight]

My name is Terri,

I 'grew-up' in San Jose, CA. Moved at 9 to eastern OR. No memories prior to 9, then just hiding out in the alfalfa fields, under the spruce with the owls as my only friends, and hiding on top of a roof with a knife, ready to kill myself. So those are most of my 'conscious' memories.

Left home at 14, my mom abandoned me to an older sister, then she and her husband kicked me out for sleeping with a boyfriend after only 4 months of being there. Lived on the streets for a few weeks, got a job at a drive-in and lived in the projection room. No one really cared, 5 older brothers and sisters said I made my bed.......years later, they still blame me for something?

Managed to get to school. Have degrees in Math and Biology. I'm a biologist now, working in the PNW, Snohomish, but keep getting abusive bosses, sexual harassment........the whole nine works. Never been safe at work.

Moved to Durango, CO and Taos, NM with my 'teacher' to work with another spiritual teacher. My teacher ended up abusing me. I had a complete breakdown while managing a hotel in CO. Don't remember driving back to Seattle at all. Scary.

Now, in between jobs, doing therapy, waiting for SSD. Developed Fibro in 1996, horrible pain, paralysis, bed-ridden with no help.
Every boyfriend has been my Dad, the triggering making me insane.

Finally committed to healing. Looking for work. Two real suicide attempts, but I don't want to give up. I want to help to save nature. I adore nature. I adore God, I meditate and believe, even with all the crap.

I'll be 43 this year, and have a lot of hope my life can finally begin.

Ter