My boyfriend and I dated in high school and reconnected later in life. We have since been together for 12 years (we’re 56 now) and we’ve lived together for 6. He is an amazing person, loving and caring patient and very kind. I have never been this close with anyone. Our conversations have been so intimate and vulnerable. Unlike anything I’ve ever had even with a best girlfriend. We have fun together. My adult daughters love him.
He had a very abusive childhood from his stepfather. Physical and mental and financial. His mom left his father when he was 10 years old and the physical abuse stopped, but he was moved into a chaotic situation with a lot of unhealthy adults around him his mother was a young, single mother, putting herself through school. He loves her very much, and I sense that she loved him very much too. He was very close with his grandmother, but all had violent tempers. not anything other than loud voices-but triggering. I am amazed at the person that he is having gone through all that.
In the last two years he has started to decline mentally and socially. He is in a terrible job and he is reluctant to speak up and assert himself.. He is having trouble regulating his emotions — not to the extreme level. (I was married to someone with extreme PTSD that could never self regulate). But he is currently really struggling. He had gone to talk therapy for a long time with not a lot of results. In the last year, our physical intimacy stopped and he started going to bed very early like immediately after dinner, waking up very early and just saying he needs time to process his day. We have a very healthy relationship for the most part although the last six months it has been difficult.
I had no idea what levels of despair he was experiencing my frustration is that he would not talk to me about it. I have since learned that is called avoidant attachment. Our conversations stop being intimate — more conversations you’d have with someone you sat next to an airplane and I was frustrated because we’ve always been so very close and vulnerable. I encouraged him to get different therapy and he started to EMDR therapy in mar/ap of this year.
About a month ago we had been at each other a bit and I was tired. Tired of holding it all together and feeling like he wasn’t interested in meeting me half way. He explained to me that he wasn’t capable right now and that he thought moving out temporarily would be a good idea to focus on healing and his therapy bc the house was too much for him and find a place to rest (I will never buy an open concept house again).
Although I didn’t want him to leave, we talked about it and I definitely came to the conclusion that if we were to save our relationship, it was probably good for him to focus on healing.
We had a good talk and decided that we weren’t breaking up. He moved out under good terms. We had very good discussions leading up to the move and I think he felt relief he didn’t need to show up for me or the kids right now and just focus on getting better. And that I was supportive.
The intake process was long. He moved out last week and He just had his first light therapy session yesterday. I’ve been doing a ton of reading and realizing a lot of of the mistakes I made in dealing with somebody that had this level of trauma. Leading up to his move out, he shared a lot with me and more detail. I wish I had known sooner. He gave me a book about attachment styles about a month ago, and I thought it was a book that he thought I might find interesting. I didn’t realize he was reaching out to me. Now that I understand a bit more about what he’s going through. I feel terribly about how I didn’t know that or understand it.
The way we left it is that we were not breaking up that he was going away to heal for a few months. He got a three month lease on an apartment down the street. I am just crushed that he is gone, but I know he’s doing it for good reason. He knew that it would be worse before I got better and that communication initially might be limited.
I started asking ChatGPT questions about EMDR and I think it’s made me freak out a little bit. I started reading because I wanted to better understand how to support him. Now I’m reading a lot about how this can ruin relationships and how even if he heals, he could be so completely different that he wants to start a new life. We’ve always talked about how our relationship is not the problem. It’s the trauma, that he’s gone through, but we have always worked through our issues. And I know he loves me and I am absolutely crazy about him.
I guess I’m just trying to understand how to best support him. I ran into him in the store today. He hugged me tightly and we chatted for a while and he told me he loved me. I kept it light and just ask him how his week went. I told him it was weird not seeing or talking to him. But I was trying. He came over last Sunday to get some more of his stuff. And we had a good talk then.I’m letting him reach out to me although he hasn’t.
I guess there are no guarantees in life ever, but how do you make it through supporting them and walking on eggshells and not know that they’re coming back? I guess I never really understood that was even a possibility. Now I’m terrified. I’m overthinking a lot and because we aren’t communicating I am drawing my own conclusions.
We both agreed that it was temporary, but I wrote him an email explaining the reading I was doing and many of the realizations I’d come to, apologized for a few things… and he wrote back that he really appreciated my words he’s invested in this relationship, appreciated my support and loyalty… I’d also suggested a step approach to toward moving back in that wasn’t rushed.
he said he wants to work towards building our relationship back and he responded to my suggestion like so:
I can honestly say I do want to move toward that — emotional openness, mutual presence, and stability. Iknow it will take time and healing, but your vision helped me see a way forward that feels hopeful, not rushed. If we ever arrive at that possibility again, I want it to be built on that kind of shared truth.
If we ever arrive at that possibility again? My heart dropped. He’s not always careful or good with his words, but that absolutely terrifies me and broke my heart.
What am I dealing with? I know he’s in a place where I can’t ask him to clarify. Literally our problems were based on his withdraw with no explanation from our relationship. He has assured me multiple times it’s not me. It’s just what he’s going through but damn it makes me wonder. I’m usually a very secure person. I have a secure attachment style, but I feel like this is making me a little nuts and I miss him so so much.
I texted him the other morning and just said “good morning. You are always on my mind, Willie” (like the song from Willie Nelson and added “No need to respond” when we connected again I asked if my communication cadence was OK and he said honestly text messages are distracting. He said it’s not you. It’s just where I am right now. I’m having a tough time.
I apologize and said I really don’t know what I’m doing right now. I love you and I miss you and everything is just weird and I laughed nervously. It’s all really weird. And he agreed and added It’s no big deal.
I’m just a mess right now. Like how do you support them? How do you know it’s right? How do you stay connected during EMDR therapy?How do you know how long to wait we have talked about reconnecting and 2 to 3 months but I’ve also read where this takes years potentially.
I love him so so much but I’m not sure how long I can wait. Practically speaking I am 57 years old and I want someone that is clearheaded about their intentions with me and I will wait for him, but I won’t wait for him forever, so when do you know? Are they reporting extreme examples or are people going through this really that confused in like three months after? I don’t know why, but I felt like I read they should have a pretty clear indication of how therapy is going 2 to 3 months out and practically speaking he has been in EMDR therapy since April of this year, he hasn’t started therapy, but I don’t know when they consider EMDR therapy starting officially. The light portion of the therapy just started.
We have so much history together, trust, love and we have been through so so much together. I can’t imagine life without him, but I thought he was just moving out temporarily I’ve read where this can bring couples together. I don’t know what I’m asking for other than some positivity some hope some advice. Anything to help me understand this better. That “IF” hit me like a brick.
Reading all of this online and on ChatGPT has freaked me out we agreed we weren’t breaking up. He was just moving out to collect himself and allow himself time to process and grieve and be weird. I know I’m rambling and I apologize, but I have so much in my head and in my heart right now I feel like I could explode.
His therapist said her goal is to get him out of there as fast as possible, but not prematurely. How do I calm my nerves when I can’t talk to him about things given in the state that he’s in? I want so badly to understand this process. He is my person and I wanna be there, but I don’t wanna be foolish or naïve either.
Help?
He had a very abusive childhood from his stepfather. Physical and mental and financial. His mom left his father when he was 10 years old and the physical abuse stopped, but he was moved into a chaotic situation with a lot of unhealthy adults around him his mother was a young, single mother, putting herself through school. He loves her very much, and I sense that she loved him very much too. He was very close with his grandmother, but all had violent tempers. not anything other than loud voices-but triggering. I am amazed at the person that he is having gone through all that.
In the last two years he has started to decline mentally and socially. He is in a terrible job and he is reluctant to speak up and assert himself.. He is having trouble regulating his emotions — not to the extreme level. (I was married to someone with extreme PTSD that could never self regulate). But he is currently really struggling. He had gone to talk therapy for a long time with not a lot of results. In the last year, our physical intimacy stopped and he started going to bed very early like immediately after dinner, waking up very early and just saying he needs time to process his day. We have a very healthy relationship for the most part although the last six months it has been difficult.
I had no idea what levels of despair he was experiencing my frustration is that he would not talk to me about it. I have since learned that is called avoidant attachment. Our conversations stop being intimate — more conversations you’d have with someone you sat next to an airplane and I was frustrated because we’ve always been so very close and vulnerable. I encouraged him to get different therapy and he started to EMDR therapy in mar/ap of this year.
About a month ago we had been at each other a bit and I was tired. Tired of holding it all together and feeling like he wasn’t interested in meeting me half way. He explained to me that he wasn’t capable right now and that he thought moving out temporarily would be a good idea to focus on healing and his therapy bc the house was too much for him and find a place to rest (I will never buy an open concept house again).
Although I didn’t want him to leave, we talked about it and I definitely came to the conclusion that if we were to save our relationship, it was probably good for him to focus on healing.
We had a good talk and decided that we weren’t breaking up. He moved out under good terms. We had very good discussions leading up to the move and I think he felt relief he didn’t need to show up for me or the kids right now and just focus on getting better. And that I was supportive.
The intake process was long. He moved out last week and He just had his first light therapy session yesterday. I’ve been doing a ton of reading and realizing a lot of of the mistakes I made in dealing with somebody that had this level of trauma. Leading up to his move out, he shared a lot with me and more detail. I wish I had known sooner. He gave me a book about attachment styles about a month ago, and I thought it was a book that he thought I might find interesting. I didn’t realize he was reaching out to me. Now that I understand a bit more about what he’s going through. I feel terribly about how I didn’t know that or understand it.
The way we left it is that we were not breaking up that he was going away to heal for a few months. He got a three month lease on an apartment down the street. I am just crushed that he is gone, but I know he’s doing it for good reason. He knew that it would be worse before I got better and that communication initially might be limited.
I started asking ChatGPT questions about EMDR and I think it’s made me freak out a little bit. I started reading because I wanted to better understand how to support him. Now I’m reading a lot about how this can ruin relationships and how even if he heals, he could be so completely different that he wants to start a new life. We’ve always talked about how our relationship is not the problem. It’s the trauma, that he’s gone through, but we have always worked through our issues. And I know he loves me and I am absolutely crazy about him.
I guess I’m just trying to understand how to best support him. I ran into him in the store today. He hugged me tightly and we chatted for a while and he told me he loved me. I kept it light and just ask him how his week went. I told him it was weird not seeing or talking to him. But I was trying. He came over last Sunday to get some more of his stuff. And we had a good talk then.I’m letting him reach out to me although he hasn’t.
I guess there are no guarantees in life ever, but how do you make it through supporting them and walking on eggshells and not know that they’re coming back? I guess I never really understood that was even a possibility. Now I’m terrified. I’m overthinking a lot and because we aren’t communicating I am drawing my own conclusions.
We both agreed that it was temporary, but I wrote him an email explaining the reading I was doing and many of the realizations I’d come to, apologized for a few things… and he wrote back that he really appreciated my words he’s invested in this relationship, appreciated my support and loyalty… I’d also suggested a step approach to toward moving back in that wasn’t rushed.
he said he wants to work towards building our relationship back and he responded to my suggestion like so:
I can honestly say I do want to move toward that — emotional openness, mutual presence, and stability. Iknow it will take time and healing, but your vision helped me see a way forward that feels hopeful, not rushed. If we ever arrive at that possibility again, I want it to be built on that kind of shared truth.
If we ever arrive at that possibility again? My heart dropped. He’s not always careful or good with his words, but that absolutely terrifies me and broke my heart.
What am I dealing with? I know he’s in a place where I can’t ask him to clarify. Literally our problems were based on his withdraw with no explanation from our relationship. He has assured me multiple times it’s not me. It’s just what he’s going through but damn it makes me wonder. I’m usually a very secure person. I have a secure attachment style, but I feel like this is making me a little nuts and I miss him so so much.
I texted him the other morning and just said “good morning. You are always on my mind, Willie” (like the song from Willie Nelson and added “No need to respond” when we connected again I asked if my communication cadence was OK and he said honestly text messages are distracting. He said it’s not you. It’s just where I am right now. I’m having a tough time.
I apologize and said I really don’t know what I’m doing right now. I love you and I miss you and everything is just weird and I laughed nervously. It’s all really weird. And he agreed and added It’s no big deal.
I’m just a mess right now. Like how do you support them? How do you know it’s right? How do you stay connected during EMDR therapy?How do you know how long to wait we have talked about reconnecting and 2 to 3 months but I’ve also read where this takes years potentially.
I love him so so much but I’m not sure how long I can wait. Practically speaking I am 57 years old and I want someone that is clearheaded about their intentions with me and I will wait for him, but I won’t wait for him forever, so when do you know? Are they reporting extreme examples or are people going through this really that confused in like three months after? I don’t know why, but I felt like I read they should have a pretty clear indication of how therapy is going 2 to 3 months out and practically speaking he has been in EMDR therapy since April of this year, he hasn’t started therapy, but I don’t know when they consider EMDR therapy starting officially. The light portion of the therapy just started.
We have so much history together, trust, love and we have been through so so much together. I can’t imagine life without him, but I thought he was just moving out temporarily I’ve read where this can bring couples together. I don’t know what I’m asking for other than some positivity some hope some advice. Anything to help me understand this better. That “IF” hit me like a brick.
Reading all of this online and on ChatGPT has freaked me out we agreed we weren’t breaking up. He was just moving out to collect himself and allow himself time to process and grieve and be weird. I know I’m rambling and I apologize, but I have so much in my head and in my heart right now I feel like I could explode.
His therapist said her goal is to get him out of there as fast as possible, but not prematurely. How do I calm my nerves when I can’t talk to him about things given in the state that he’s in? I want so badly to understand this process. He is my person and I wanna be there, but I don’t wanna be foolish or naïve either.
Help?
, but wanted to kick you these resources in case you hadn’t found them, yet!
