Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[Jawn]

I spent 2 hrs with the therapist today and whew! I feel a lot better. She gave me some tips on how to cope with things through the weekend and I will see her again on Monday. She really wants me to focus on improving myself because of all I have given up while trying to be there for my wife.

She told me I have 3 choices in my situation: get divorced and get a more normal life, hang tough and hope for the best, or hang in there while working to improve myself. Based on my values and morals, we are going with the 3rd option and see how it goes. She also wants to work with me on preparing myself in case my wife does go ahead with the divorce.

Any way, it sure was good to talk to someone and get immediate feedback and very helpful insight too.

Weekends not looking so bad now! ;-)

Jawn

 

[Jline]

It is very easy to get lost on the way to recovery with this damn PTSD and for the people who love us to feel lost too, always concentrating on helping the sick person and all the while becoming anxiety ridden themselves. Excellent you are taking the right steps to protect yourself and to have patience enough for you both. Peace to you Jawn, well done!

 

[ISupportHer]

Very tough thing. I do think the thoughts of escape are possibly a common thing. On both sides of the fence. This may sound directly opposite of my user name but there have been times when I have felt that way to. As a carer. Then basically chose option 3 also.

I'll have to look for the thread sometime but I had talked about a book called Depression Fallout and the author's feeling that partners of those with depression go through several similar steps, actually moving among them. The last is a feeling that the pain is too great and there is a need to escape. I really feel that can happen not only to carers but sufferers too. I see it as relationship suicide in a way. You don't see options so, in despair, you may act in a way you would not if the stress was not there.

And so yes, the way to work on it, in my opinion, starts with self evaluation. Deciding what you want, what you can accept, what you feel you are capable of doing and so many other things.

Jawn, I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I don't have any easy answers. Just some feeling that I have a sense of how you feel. My thoughts are with you.

ISH

 

[Jawn]

Weekend is going ok so far. We have our granddaughter running around as a distraction.

I have a question that probably doesn't have a clear answer, but I would be interested in any thoughts you good folks might have. If my wife does tell me that she wants a divorce how do I know if it is "her" talking or the PTSD? Last time we talked about it, she was still numb inside and didn't feel anything for me, her friends, or her family. If I knew it was really her talking and not the PTSD, I would have a much easier time accepting her decision. Also, would it be prudent for me to ask her to talk to her T about it before she makes a final decision?

While we were at the park earlier today she made a vague reference that we needed to talk, but wasn't clear on what or when. I am thinking maybe tomorrow evening after I take my granddaughter home we may have that talk. Mean while, I am focusing on my granddaughter and then me! As the therapist so nicely pointed out, I have basically given up being me the past few years as the PTSD consumed my wife and I need to get "me" back.

I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I just worry about my wife.

Jawn

 

[amethist]

Taking care of YOU is important Jawn. If you don't, however this all turns out, you could end up in a tail spin yourself. Did that myself a few days ago, for not looking at the bigger picture of the decisions we had made properly. We all seems to step back from our own world at first, leaving ourselves behind, while we put all our energies into caring for our sufferers.

It could well be the PTSD that is causing your wife to think this way, but you have to be 100% sure. The only way to find this out is to sit down and talk with her, notice the "WITH and not TO". This is a life decision involving both of you, her reasons for going or staying sounds like hers alone right now. You could suggest she talks to her T about it, but the real reasons she has been thinking about this, not the PTSD reasons, though PTSD could be the reason. Being that she is so consumed with the PTSD that she needs to be on her own, to be able to heal in her own way. As we are not mind readers, and we have to except that some decisions that are made are not the ones we would make if we as carers were given the choice.

I hope it works out for the best. We are all different and handle things like this in different ways.

Take care of yourself.

Amethist

 

[kclarkesocal]

My wife suffers from delayed onset PTSD from childhood trauma and is going through intensive treatment.

In the course of treatment, she has moved out to our guest house, determined that she has no physical feelings towards me (worse, I trigger her), questions her sexual orientation, and is emotionally aloof a meaningful part of the time.

Her therapist tells me (and her) that all these feelings are normal and not necessarily indicative of where things will ultimately shake out. As the sufferer processes the trauma in therapy (particularly in situations where the memories are buried or compartmentalized) they go through a pretty significant rethink of their identity and their life, I am told. I don't know if all these facts apply to you, but her therapist has basically told me to be patient and not read too much into the (very large) relationship issues right now. I know she thinks of leaving. And I know that I sometimes think that it would be great to reclaim my life again. But we're both sticking with it at the moment.

If your facts are similar (don't know if they are) I'm surprised that her therapist is not explaining to her (and you) that these feelings are part of the therapy process. In my case, I was called into the therapist and told that all sorts of painful relationship things were going to happen because of the trauma treatment - and then over the next several months they did.

No ending yet on my story - still very much a work in progress - but hopefully something for you to chew on.

 

[kclarkesocal]

One other related point - my wife's therapist has been adamant that we not try to resolve any fundamental relationship issues at this point. The focus is on the PTSD treatment, and until she is further down the path on that, it's impossible to know what's PTSD and what's a relationship problem. I do know that the therapist thinks that a number of issues that my wife thinks are relationship problems are in fact PTSD symptoms.

 

[Jawn]

kclarkesocal,

At this point I have not talked to my wife's therapist.....ever. On her 1st visit the T made a comment that she would probably want to talk to me at some point, but so far has not done so. And everyone I've consulted say that I should not contact the T myself. Sigh.....My wife has had 5 visits to the T so far and is going in once per week. When she first went in she told the T there were 2 issues she was having trouble with: work (big time) and marriage. On the second visit PTSD was diagnosed and I think they have been working mainly on work coping skills. I do like the fact that she is looking forward to each session and seems like she is glad that something has been identified and can be worked on. I do not know the detail of how much the T has explained PTSD to her or if she has done much reading on the topic. Right now I am only getting minimal info. I just have the feeling that they haven't discussed the marriage issues yet and the stuff your wife's T told you guys has not been conveyed to my wife yet. I just think when they get to it she will tell the T "it's not a problem now because I dumped him". or something like that.

All I know is in the past few days, I see her making an escape plan and knowing how she operates, the gas pedal is all the way to the floor. I also know that her first marriage ended when "she" decided it was over and he never saw it coming until he was served papers. As my T said, her current behavior seems like she is going back to a familiar pattern and it is likely that PTSD was causing problems back then, but we have no way of knowing.

My T read the letter I was going to give to my wife and she said it was a very powerful letter and "might" have the desired effect. However, in her opinion it would probably cause my wife to want to run even more. So I am hoping that any talk we have tonight or tomorrow will get her to at least talk to her T on Tuesday morning when she goes in. No discussions this weekend because we have our granddaughter here, but maybe tonight.

I know someone earlier said I might want to consider that my wife is indeed done and it's not really PTSD. That is very similar to what my T suggested. She told me to work on myself because I need to get better. If my wife doesn't run, then seeing me get better should help her as well.

So at the moment I am focusing on me while I still hope and pray that my wife really doesn't want a divorce. But I will have to accept her decision and move on.....whatever that decision may be. I guess I will know in the next couple of days.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it!

Jawn

 

[Jawn]

ok, I'm still thinking about what kclarkesocal wrote about what his wife's T told them. Since my wife's T hasn't talked to me at this point, I wonder would it be OK for me to call the T and just ask for her to explain what my role is in my wife's recovery and what kind of things I might expect to happen? If nothing else, it might prompt her to talk to my wife about that and then my wife would have to bring up her escape plan if that is indeed what she is doing. I guess I will ask my T her opinion on that one.

With only 5 visits to her T, I don't think they have gotten to far into dealing with her PTSD. Am I right on that?

Jawn

 

[kclarkesocal]

I'm hardly an expert here, but I suspect that you need to talk to your wife about it as opposed to reach out to the therapist directly. Again, this is just a layperson's advice, but if PTSD was diagnosed a few weeks ago, it's likely that your wife is very touchy about what was disclosed to her therapist, and your reaching out directly to the therapist could cause all sorts of problems. What about asking your wife..."Can we have a short session with your therapist together where we can discuss how I can best support you as you work through your treatment, and how the difficult work that you do in therapy is likely to affect our relationship?" If she says no, you might want to just see if you and she can agree to shelve the relationship issues for some period of time until she's further into her treatment. If she was just diagnosed with PTSD a few weeks ago, that's a HUGE deal, and her head is probably spinning. It probably means coming to terms with very significant issues from her past that she had buried deep in her head, that she may not have even been aware of. It's a really lousy time to be making fundamental relationship decisions. Caveat: I'm not an expert in any of this, just living a similar situation.

And I would make sure that your therapist really understands PTSD treatment. Otherwise, the therapist may not be able to help you frame your options with the right context. If I gave my current set of facts to a generic therapist, I suspect that the therapist would say, "you don't need a therapist, you need a divorce lawyer." But in the context of PTSD treatment, a lot of what's going on makes sense (or so the experts tell me). Still doesn't make it easy and doesn't promise a good outcome, but it's not hopeless. All this is hard stuff, so if you're relationship was marginal without the PTSD, it's going to be tough sledding. But if the underlying relationship is strong without the PTSD distortion field, it would be a shame to throw it away because of the side effects of the PTSD and the PTSD treatment. Treatment, that, by the way, usually makes relationship issues worse before they get better.

 

[MsLadyT]

I think finding them in the compost was a clue that she was doing just that, composting them into what will in the future become fertile soil. I would have been devastated too, and admire your self control to send her a loving note, propping her up when you are needing it.
I hope that she continues with her end of therapy and that recovery as a couple works out for you. It takes time, and I know with my daughter I have written and said some things that I wish I could take back. However, we are all human, and we all have our limitations. Step by slow step....but I will remember your description of such a postive note to her. We women need a lot of reassurance. Well, I do.

 

[AdamAnt]

Lots of good advice since I popped in here Jawn. It does seem to me that you're still trying to find a way to force the issue when it seems the best thing would be to let the answers come when they come...If you try to force it I think it's more likely to backfire.

Me and mine got the same advice as kclark above, not to make any real life changes until the PTSD has been significantly worked on. It's why we have a long distance relationship rather than being together.We both want to move forward, but we're hangin on until the PTSD has been more thoroughly addressed.

The way it's explained to me, even GOOD change can have adverse effects...