Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[Jawn]

I feel like I was kicked in the gut tonight. I was digging in the recycle bin for a piece of scrap paper and found something my wife had tossed in there. She made a list of all our assets and how to divide them up. She also had notes about how much of my retirement plan she is entitled to and how to get her name off the mortgage. Those notes seem like she may have already talked to an attorney. I really did not see this coming.

She has been looking forward to her therapy sessions and they seem to be focused on her work issues. At least all the books and literature she has been reading is geared that way.

I wonder if she has talked to the therapist about splitting up with me?

Has anyone dealt with something like this and had it turn out positive? Wow! I am stunned. I'm not sure if I should say something to her or wait and see what happens. I have done a lot of praying tonight and would appreciate any prayers anyone else would like to send out for me and my wife.

Maybe if I wait, the therapy will move into the relationship issues and the therapist will talk her through it. But then again, maybe they have already discussed it. I hate not knowing!!!!!! I am really tempted to email the therapist to let them know about this. At least they could read it and consider it for whatever it is worth, even if they can't respond to me. Or is that a bad idea?

I wrote her a letter tonight telling her how much I love her and how proud I am of her for going to therapy. I told her I was in her corner 100% and even if she see's me struggle at times, I am still here for her. I actually wrote the letter before I found her stuff in the recycle bin. I was going to put it in her car, so she found it in the morning when she goes to work. Now I worry that it might cause her to act immediately where she might still be on the fence about divorcing me.

I am so confused as to what I should do. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. And prayers too!

Jawn

 

[Nicolette]

Oh dear! I'm sorry and don't know what to say right now.

 

[anni]

That's a terrible feeling, I'm sorry too! I wish I could say something by way of 'Well maybe she meant this..'. I HAVE had shocking, life altering things fall out of the sky like that though, and just wished to say so sorry! My Mom used to say smething I never, ever 'got'-it was 'The facts are always friendly'. ( Sorry-there's always someone here where I live saying something in quotes.) Now I know she means that no matter how awful, knowing what's up at least gives one something to form more exact thoughts and plans from-puts an end to whatever torment of limbo one is living in.Anything is better than that in the end.

If it's at all helpful- do please come talk. It's anonymous but also real. Do take care!

Anni

 

[kers]

I'm sorry, this must be awful for you. Why don't you talk to your wife about what you found? At least then you can both get it out there for discussion, although what you found is pretty d*mning. I'm sorry this is happening.

 

[Jade-]

Jawn, as a sufferer myself, I can tell you that I have done the same thing as your wife. There are alot of times I write down things like that. I have even told my hubby I was filing for a divorce and made plans to move, many times. But it really had nothing to do with him, it was just me trying to make myself feel better. Sometimes I think if I leave, I will get better and be happy because all of my poblems are his fault. But I don't mean those things, well at the time I do, but it's just irrational /impulsive thinking. Once I'm back to reality, I don't leave.

Sorry if this didn't make sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you should just play it by ear. Maybe it was just something that was in her head at the moment but isn't now. I can tell you from experience, if you call her out on it, it might make things worse. I don't think sending an email is a good idea at all. She will talk about the relationship when she's ready to. Sometimes relationships get put on the back burner when we're going through therapy. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with everything else that my marriage is the least of my worries. I hope I have helped some and made sense.

BTW, the letter you wrote her was sweet. I would put it somewhere for her to find.

 

[Tinyflame]

Jawn,

Like Jadebear I have made plans and written down similar of which later I have changed my mind; however, I don't want to mislead you as these (my) plans would have affected others perhaps but were not directly in relation to them as what you found.

I can only say, I believe you said it was in the garbage can (recycle bin). If she wanted to keep it she would have.

I will pray for you and your family.
A hug to you, if it's ok

 

[Jline]

I have also done the same thing as your wife, escape plans, I also threw them away. I felt so in need at the time but the pull to do it, life, on my own would take over as I felt I should be alone and not be a burden to my family... me and my PTSD.

I hope you talk to your wife about what is going on. Honesty is the best policy. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to carry this information around with you, hanging over your head, very stressful. Peace to you and your wife j

 

[Jawn]

Thanks all. I am now wondering if I triggered this. Last weekend I had some printouts on PTSD and relationships/spouses that I had highlighted sections and wrote some comments on. I know I left them on the counter without thinking for a few hours. I wonder if she read what I wrote/highlighted and now thinks I would be better off without her? Maybe she thinks she is causing me too much pain? I think that might have been a big goof on my part. Those printouts should have went back into my laptop back to where she wouldn't see them.

I think I will rewrite the letter I wrote her and add some more to it. I will then give her the letter or put it some place she will find it. I think after she reads it, there will be a reaction of some kind. If she truly wants a divorce, then I think she will come tell me that. If not, it may help put some things into perspective for her or maybe something to take with her to her next therapy session.

I am open to any more comments or suggestions that anyone would like to make.

Thank you to everyone that replied.

Jawn

 

[amethist]

Not sure what to say to you jawn.

Write the letter to her, then go from there. If she does not mention the notes you found in the bin, or the print offs then leave it there. If she does mention them, then you have to discuss this with her, but only when you can both talk quietly, calmly and above all honestly.

I hope you find a way to work through this together.

Amethist

 

[Jawn]

You summed up what I was thinking Amethist. A quick question on the letter. Would hand written be better than typed?

Jawn

 

[Nicolette]

Unless you have crappy writing - a hand written letter on a card or nice stationery is more touching as it demonstrates more effort IMHO.

 

[Jawn]

I just had a thought. I wonder if my wife is putting pressure on herself because our anniversary is coming up in 9 days? Maybe she is thinking "oh no another year gone and I'm still treating him bad". I dunno. Just a random thought. And for those who read my other post about annies, b-days, etc., when I asked what she wanted to do for our anniversary and she said nothing it's just another day. I got kinda grumpy and stomped off. I'm learning not to react that way, but I wonder if I gave the snowball a push down the hill?

Thanks Nicolette. I was thinking about hand writing it. Well, I already did, but it needs to be rewritten. Right now it's just on plain notepad paper (yellow legal pad), but I could get a blank card and write in that too. Thanks for the idea.

Jawn