Relationship Big Shock Tonight

[kers]

You live together, right? Why are you writing her a letter with your concerns instead of talking to her? I understand that it might be a volatile conversation, one that might have to be paused and resumed later as emotions get going.

 

[Cin]

I think writing it instead of just saying it takes off some immediate pressure to have answers. If Jawn writes it down ad leaves it for his wife, it will give her time to think on it, instead of going with her first reaction in the heat of the moment.

Write it out, leave it by her bed and wait, Jawn. It may take a few days, but don't push for answers immediately. IMO.

 

[Jawn]

Cin you are correct in what I was thinking. I did this one time several years ago on an issue that I didn't think I could say everything without getting emotional. That time I did not get a response for a couple of days while she processed it and figured out what she wanted to say. She has never been a good "on the spot" type of person to really think fast and come up with a response. She's much better when she has time to think about it and then say what she wants to say. And that gives her time to digest what I said as well rather than immediately going into a "flight" response.

You are right too kers, the follow up to the letter will definitely be a verbal conversation. And most of our interaction is verbal, but right now it would be very hard for me to get through this conversation and she might react negatively.

Thanks for the replies folks. I really appreciate it.

I also called my Employee Assistance Program today and talked to a therapist on the phone for about an hour. She was a big help in talking me through a couple of things and now I have a follow up appointment here locally with a therapist. The plan going into see the therapist will be for me to figure out how to interact with my wife better and to be more aware of when to push and when to back off. Hopefully it will help. Gee, maybe I should see if the therapist can clean the eggshells off the bottom of my shoes? ;-)

Jawn

 

[Jawn]

Well the plot thickens tonight. She has a folder laying on the counter tonight with copies of my 401k statements, purchase receipts for cars, motorcycles, etc. She also has the the forms to change her beneficiary for her 401k and her Life Insurance through her employer. Oh, and there are some printouts for job postings. One of which is in another state working at an animal sanctuary for close to minimum wage. She would love to work with animals like that, but the wages stink.

Ok now my question. For those of you who have made escape plans before, did you go that far before abandoning them? I am thinking that gathering up the statements and receipts is probably something for an attorney to work with. The therapist I talked to via my employee assistance program today said that escape plans were not unusual, but acting on them was less common. So if she is thinking about divorce and running away to another state I doubt she ever will work through her problems and get better. I am hoping that when she goes to her therapist on Tuesday AM that they will discuss this issue and work through it.

I have not given her the letter yet and am very hesitant to do so at this point because I think it would essentially push her further away. So what I am thinking about doing is telling her the things in the letter verbally, but in small doses. Maybe 1 thing tomorrow AM and another in the evening. Then do the same each day up to her therapy. Plant the seeds and hope they grow.

I was feeling better after talking to the therapist, but after seeing the stuff tonight I just feel completely drained. I will be calling the therapist (the one through my employer) back tomorrow and get their take on this. I should be touching base with the local therapist tomorrow morning about getting in to see her too.

I guess in the mean time I will pray for guidance and the strength to face up to things here. Oh and maybe for her to get a nudge to the therapist to talk about this issue. ;-)

Thanks for listening folks.

Jawn

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Jawn,

You might not want to hear this - but perhaps you should prepare yourself for the fact that it is indeed possible that you are ready for a divorce. I'd love to pat your back and tell you everything is going to be ok and she will change her mind and realise you are her entire universe - but maybe she wont. Maybe she actually really does want a divorce, and if that is the case, no amount of financial security you can provide will change her mind. Not if she's made her mind up already.

I'm not saying she's gonna leave you - I don't know you and I don't know her. What I am saying is that it may be wise on your part to prepare for that possibility.

You certainly would not be the first person to experience divorce - as much as I hate to say it - they're pretty damn common these days. Either way, stay or go, she is giving you clear signals that she is not happy in the relationship. And perhaps (?) that has less to do with her PTSD than you think.

??

:(

Also - please dear, do not let this stress you out. AND - just because this is my experience and thoughts doesn't mean it is her's. However - I'm sure that for a while afterwards (probably not anymore - reality gets clearer over time) if you asked my ex why we split the answer would have been 'well, her issues. PTSD'. You know what - that's not true. I fell out of love. That simple. I wasn't happy. Yes, I may have PTSD, but that's not the main reason I left. Ironically - I realise now it may have actually been the reason I stayed for too long. Because this person was trying so hard to understand my PTSD and that made me feel safe and accepted. Then I realised over time and upon reflection that I was quite able to leave and DEAL with my PTSD, rather than stay in the stagnant, numb realtionship I'd found myself in. I'm sure some relationships do break down over PTSD (if you'd asked me even 6 weeks ago if mine did I'd probably have said yes to it being a contributing factor). Nope. I left my ex because I was not in love anymore. PTSD or no PTSD - that simple. I certainly hope this is not the case for you, however - either way she's not happy hun. And you have a long road ahead and she is desperately trying to send you the 'I am not happy in this relationship' signals.

 

[Jawn]

superjen,

You might be right I don't know. But just a week or so ago she was talking about plans for the future and planting trees in the yard. Maybe she has been building up to this over time, but I just feel that right now something tweaked her and she is ready to run. She has been so upbeat and friendly lately and now this all of a sudden. At least it seems sudden to me. I know she has said she was numb inside and couldn't feel anything for me (or her parents for that matter) and I know that was frustrating for her and maybe she has decided that won't pass and she should move on. Although she has just started therapy and has had 6 sessions I believe, so she hasn't worked out much of the PTSD issues yet. It just seems like she is ready to run and I am afraid that she will run from therapy too. If her meds were stabilized and she had been in therapy for a longer time, I could probably accept this decision easier than I can at the moment.

Hmmm, could changing meds have something to do with it? About 10 days ago they increased her Wellbutrin XL (or the generic version) and are supposed to be lowering the dose of her other med in a few weeks. I don't know on that, but I wonder. The therapist today suggested that maybe the therapy had hit something painful and she was panicking.

Thanks for the advice superjen. I have a consultation with an attorney lined up and will try to make sure I am ready for the divorce if that is what it comes down too. I don't want to go there, but I obviously can not fix her or force her to stay if she doesn't want to. Sigh.......I went down the divorce path once before when I was young and it's not fun, but sometimes can be for the best.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[Deleted member 5760]

We made plans hun. We were making plans even as we split. I'm still wearing my engagement ring - i just put it on another finger. In fact, my ex emailed me just last night (haven't spoken in a couple of months and we're well over fighting - moving house and still has a lot of my stuff because our plans were seemingly so 'solid' at the time that I left a whole bunch of my stuff there - in London). Denial is a pretty powerful emotion.

Gosh, what to say to ya - I empathise with you so much! When I was proposed to I took that ring and I said yes. Two months down the road and the venue is being picked and my female intuition (and we ALL have intuition - regardless of gender) is going 'donnnnnnt do it...... you know this isnt entirely what you want - even if this person IS one of the most kind, amazing, wonderful people you have ever met - you're just not 'feelin it; like that'.

I've only had my heart truly broken ONCE... (not this time - I wasn't desperately in love enough to be truly broken - it hurt, but it didn't absolutely devastate my soul).. the one time it really was 'heartbreaking' - I dont think I ate or slept for about a month. It felt like a death, only minus the closure. Because this person was still out there somewhere - just not with me :(


I honestly honestly honestly hope you two can sort your issues and (ironically) I hope this can all just be blamed solely on PTSD. Then therapy and medication and blah blah might be a magic little fix. But I'm sensing a distance that goes beyond just PTSD. And a lot of work ahead. I'm so so very sorry. I hope it WORKS for you.

*big big hug*

You know, I have someone doing this to me right now. And so again, I'll stress that i hope I'm not saying this because it's how someone is making me feel, when in fact your wife could be feeling completely different. At this exact present moment I have someone telling me that we'll be together, and that the only reason I'm withdrawing is PTSD. And once I've had therapy I'll realise we're 'meant to be' and everything will be fixed and we'll 'live happily ever after'........ No, we wont. I am not in love with this person. No amount of therapy is going to 'change my thinking into being in love'. This person does not want to hear that. And I feel very badly having to dish out a bit of the truth. But, toughlove eh.

My therapist explained toughlove to me like this last week :

Kids are scared sh@tless of needles, right? Does that mean a parent shouldn't take them for vaccinations? Sometimes the ~truth~ is the best way to actually love somebody. Even if they don't like the form it takes. And that is toughLOVE.

 

[anni]

I can only speak for what would mean the most for me, perhaps this isn't helpful but if it were me I do think I'd find a handwritten note note much more personal than a printed-out one. Sorry if that's silly since of course the intent is exactly the same. I'm pretty sure I'd just feel more like my hsband were speaking directly to me, if I were looking at his handwriting.

You have so much solid, insightful comments here from people who recognize where you are that can't help but feel you'll have some peace with this soon.

 

[Jline]

It seems she wanted you to find the information she has collected...Do you think she may be wondering why you haven't mentioned what you have found?

 

[AdamAnt]

It seems she wanted you to find the information she has collected...Do you think she may be wondering why you haven't mentioned what you have found?

Could it be that by leaving it in plain view, this was her way of trying to initiate a conversation?

I feel for you Jawn, I can imagine your frustration and hurt, but with her leaving it all out there, it seems the door is opened to talk about it. It could be that like you say, she feels she's hurt you enough and needs to hear it from you that you aren't giving up, even if she can obviously accept it if you do.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks everyone. Jline and AdamAnt, you both make good points. I am meeting with a therapist later today to discuss my issues and to formulate a plan on how I should initiate the conversation with my wife. Her initial take on the phone this morning was that if last week she was laughing, smiling, and kissing me good bye in the morning, etc. that "probably" something happened to tweak her thinking. Something painful from therapy? Or maybe I said/did something to where she has decided to NOT cause me more pain?

I don't know if I mentioned it earlier or not, but she also had a job posting for a very low paying job in a different state. I know she would like this job, but just existing month to month would be a challenge. The therapist that called me this morning made her initial assessment of "your wife is in full flight mode" after hearing about the abrupt change in attitude AND the moving to another state thing.

So my meeting with her today will help formulate a plan on how to talk to her about this and maybe encourage her to bring it up with her own therapist in her session next week.

Thanks again,

John

Any way

 

[Jline]

Good to hear you are taking care of yourself while maintaining respect for your wife. *