Bizarro

[Leigh925]

I get really frustrated with myself when I have a great session and then the very next day I am crashing and have feelings of doubt when it comes to my therapist.

I sometimes have really intense reactions to minor things after I leave or the next day.

I was reading Pete Walkers website on emotional flashbacks and came across this sentance that was really profound for me.

"it rendered my client amnesiac of my high regard for our work together.

I believe this type of dissociation also accounts for the recurring disappearance of previously established trust that commonly occurs with emotional flashbacks."

When triggered it is like I forget all the trust we have built and doubt the last 16 months of work and I throw myself into panic mode.

It made me feel better to read it although I don't necessarily have that fixed or under control but I literally felt bat shit crazy and upset that I could go from "things are awesome.....he totally gets me....to what the hell was I thinking trusting this person"

I wonder if what you are experiencing is similar to that.

 

[desiderata310]

I don't know?!
There's so much tied up in yesterday's session that I feel like I'm losing it again.
It's the dog thing, but that's small and insignificant really. I'm scared to make that move anyway so, while I am mortified by all of that, it's not a huge deal. OH whoop de do. Fine. I look like a f*cking idiot. what's new there?!

It's the the driving by and the "ritual" search, it's finding everything is calling that OCD, It's me feeling like a really crazy person.
it's just me doing something so stupid as to start to feel comfortable with this person.

I went for a longish hike/run and thought I would feel better and I don't. I feel worse! Not exactly how I want to ring in the new year.

 

[Leigh925]

@desiderata310 I am really sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I hope that somehow a shift comes and you are able to feel better and bring in the new year with peace and comfort. I am hoping that for all of us!

 

[scout86]

Actually I feel like an idiot for trusting him in the first place.

Yeah? Well, you're not! That may be one of the smartest things you've ever done. He said he didn't do a 180 and asked for the chance to clarify things on Fri. Give him the chance! And give yourself the chance too.

I think @Leigh925 is on to something. And I'm glad to hear it because I've had the same experience.

I don't think the driving by is an OCD thing at all, but ASK your T on Fri. Like I said, I do the same thing and I promise you, I don't have OCD. It's some kind of a weird way of reassuring yourself and making yourself feel safe. Maybe we just need to remind ourselves that at least the building is real so the person we associate it with must be too. I think you could spend the rest of your life driving or riding by the building every chance you get and it wouldn't hurt a thing. But I'd be willing to bet that as you get more stable and more secure you won't feel like doing it anymore. Because it's not the same as an OCD kind of compulsion.

My T told me a long time ago that PTSD was a much more functional thing when there really WERE saber toothed tigers behind every bush. We've gotten to referring to PTSD stuff as "tiger hunting" and related metaphors. A week ago, when I was trying not to panic because he wasn't getting his plans to relocate firmed up fast enough (to suit ME anyway), I wasn't doing a very good job of "not panicking". He sent me an email that said, "The tiger is GONE." I found that a bit upsetting. Sent him an email saying that, if he thought the tiger was ever actually gone he's crazier than I am. If it looked like the tiger was gone, he was probably just in the next room, calling his cousins to invite them over for supper! (He replied to that with a warning about what can happen when your nervous system is in overdrive 24/7/365.) Yesterday, I brought that up again, because, seriously, the tiger's NEVER gone, is it? He sighed. He looked at me. He said, "A well adjusted antelope runs when it sees a tiger. When the tiger quits chasing it, a well adjusted antelope quickly notices that fact, stops running and quietly eats grass. The tiger is gone."

OK, so I felt a bit like an idiot. He says I react to every possibility like it's a certainty, particularly if it's bad. I think you're doing pretty much the same thing. From here? Looks like there's no tiger. Really! My plan for the next time this happens (because I'm sure it will) is to attempt to notice it, then sit quietly someplace comfortable and "safe", breath and picture grazing antelope. Maybe that's weird, but it gives me an idea to focus on and it might help. You might consider giving it a try. 'cause, seriously, this is the PTSD messing with your brain and that's ALL it is.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Does this guy know what he's doing? Maybe when push came to shove he didn't feel like he could sign his name to something saying that you NEED a service dog. My question to you is do you need a service dog 24/7 in order to function? I think that's sort of the standard in that people with service dogs need them in order to go out into the world and get through life. I see someone who functions fine on her own (ie to a higher level than MANY of us who don't have service dogs), is able to go out and hold down a job, and goes out on her own for runs. Maybe I'm missing something, but where does the true need for a service dog come into play when you're capable of doing these things on your own? Yes, you may have to push through them, but again, is there a true need? True service dogs cost upward of $50K to get through training and I'm wondering if you'd qualify for one if you apply and tell them that you can hold down a job and go out in public and function? I don't see a true "need".

 

[desiderata310]

Don't know, and not interested in revisiting that whole thread Solara.

 

[Chosen]

desiderata, I really don't think driving past the office is automatically tied to OCD just because it's a ritual. Rituals are NORMAL things that EVERYONE does. Brushing one's teeth can be a ritual; putting shoes on in a certain way can be a ritual. Now, in the psych classes I've had, OCD rituals tend to be much more extreme: flipping the light switches on and off 15 times in order to feel safe, washing one's hands and using a bar of soap only once, checking locks 10 times over....maybe it'd be a more OCD related ritual if you had to drive past his office coming from one certain direction, and only ever that direction, and then going past multiple times again and again and again at a time.

Rituals calm and comfort us. It relieves anxiety. It can be a very healthy coping mechanism. For instance, consider some of the advice given when people are struggling and need to do self-care: I've often heard it advised: "take candles, light them, draw up a warm bath, put on soft music, and then just relax." That's a ritual, and there's nothing unhealthy or OCD about it.

If your therapist is aware and accepting of you driving past his office, believe him. I used to drive past my T's actual house...didn't tell him for 2 years, but he'd known the whole time. He told me he knew why I did it (to seek comfort, to make sure he's safe, real, and is still there) and he knew he wasn't in any danger of me. He was very accepting, and it helped, so I was able to keep doing it until I knew that I didn't need to do it anymore. Now, I don't do it at all, and while there's a part of me that's ashamed for it, my T never gave me shaming messages. He just accepted it. Now, this is clearly a much more extreme example and one that clearly crosses boundaries. You driving past the office is neither of those things, and I really, really don't think it's OCD behavior at all.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @desiderata310 , I can't quite take everything in but just to say @Leigh925 I think is very correct. And I know sometimes I can't remember anything, or reasons to trust.

Sometimes we've been through the wringer & it's hard to understand (comprehend) support or encouragement or forgiveness; - trust. That anyone can be that way or feel or see us with 'hope'.

It will be ok. :hug:

What I mean is this is not easy when we've given up on ourselves.