D
Deleted member 44394
I really struggle with this. Extremely, I mean. It has to do with my dad - the way I was raised...and trauma and ptsd, both of which were interrelated and correlated. My Dad was extremely rigid and perfectionistic . It's time I start dealing with these problems..and I am. I have to lean out of it. It's not that hard, just have to do it and take a different path, a different train track. What's dangerous is that my mind has a tendency toward conspiracy theories... at different times. Some of them make sense you know, but you can't think that way. You know?
Anyways, that's where I'm at.
I'm at a real disadvantage when it comes to grey thinking/ feeling or being...natural.
People have not cut me slack for this during my life. It comes off wrong to people at different times. I'm only sure my life will improve when I address this problem.
I'm sure this may have had functionality inside a workplace or something...maybe the military.
My dad was so severe direct and dire with us - he just didn't want to make our lives harder, wanted it all to be okay. Ironically, unfortunately he did just that. .
I don't want to let go all of it Just enough to gain the forest through the trees again; and to live again. I was trained to be like this, and people still hate me for it?
It's a real problem...while it's provided some benefits and advantages; its caused me far more problems in my life than anything. It's better to be balanced,
My whole life has been extremes, now that I think about it. Extremes of this extremes of that. It's almost like I'm different people. Splitting, they call it. Friends and people have told me it's like different people walk into a room every morning, or day; that's extreme but i's kind of like that. It's a spectrum and it's practiced... I can practice and am right now. I feel it something getting better right now. It's just habit. I'm sure that down the line I'll revert back instantaneously and have to keep reminding myself about it. I know all people do this to some degree, they like routines.
But I think that this comes from military background. The military definitely enforces it, they enforce rigidity and black and white terms, behavior, standards, ethics and behavior.
This got so bad at one point I probably would have qualified for bpd or something like it. It got so bad there was literally different "parts" of me, like different personas that interacted at different times. I thought this was a good thing, and didn't realize it was a problem. I thought I was ultra functional and more efficient than others because I could cut narrow things down...I could block out others. I was trained to do this my whole life, and those were more or less the values to aspire to. I know many others, guys in particular are like this or who are raised with this. Many have successful careers....but dysfunctionality in their lives. I chose, I don't want to be like that.
Medication has helped and is helping me tremendously...10 mg Lexapro I'm on. It's a lifesaver and godsend. These are all other things I can work on, habits I can not engrain and lean out of. Certain traits are good, just not overdone... We don't need to rely on them as a crutch. Surely we know what's balanced, what balanced is. We - just like others, have relied on fixes and habits and patterns that worked in times of severe stress to get us through. They become hypertrophied, automatic and detrimental.... when they become automatic or too relied upon, many people become stuck....we had a bad or hard past, we did what we needed to, to get by at the time, we learned what works and that's it; we learn and continue this thing because it worked. It's better to lead and cultivate a balanced life.
It's better to look at your life and to cultivate a balance, to uncover those wounds and scars and look at them again, once again; to expose them to heal once again. Instead of keeping a perpetual bandage on.. or never learning that you can indeed, heal.
I'm a member of a support group now that meets once weekly... they support each other and help each other heal. There are also many venues of support within this large church that offer counseling and support to persons dealing with their issues.
We rack up wounds as we age, but we don't have to keep them, only to bear the scars, which fade in the time.
Anyways, that's where I'm at.
I'm at a real disadvantage when it comes to grey thinking/ feeling or being...natural.
People have not cut me slack for this during my life. It comes off wrong to people at different times. I'm only sure my life will improve when I address this problem.
I'm sure this may have had functionality inside a workplace or something...maybe the military.
My dad was so severe direct and dire with us - he just didn't want to make our lives harder, wanted it all to be okay. Ironically, unfortunately he did just that. .
I don't want to let go all of it Just enough to gain the forest through the trees again; and to live again. I was trained to be like this, and people still hate me for it?
It's a real problem...while it's provided some benefits and advantages; its caused me far more problems in my life than anything. It's better to be balanced,
My whole life has been extremes, now that I think about it. Extremes of this extremes of that. It's almost like I'm different people. Splitting, they call it. Friends and people have told me it's like different people walk into a room every morning, or day; that's extreme but i's kind of like that. It's a spectrum and it's practiced... I can practice and am right now. I feel it something getting better right now. It's just habit. I'm sure that down the line I'll revert back instantaneously and have to keep reminding myself about it. I know all people do this to some degree, they like routines.
But I think that this comes from military background. The military definitely enforces it, they enforce rigidity and black and white terms, behavior, standards, ethics and behavior.
This got so bad at one point I probably would have qualified for bpd or something like it. It got so bad there was literally different "parts" of me, like different personas that interacted at different times. I thought this was a good thing, and didn't realize it was a problem. I thought I was ultra functional and more efficient than others because I could cut narrow things down...I could block out others. I was trained to do this my whole life, and those were more or less the values to aspire to. I know many others, guys in particular are like this or who are raised with this. Many have successful careers....but dysfunctionality in their lives. I chose, I don't want to be like that.
Medication has helped and is helping me tremendously...10 mg Lexapro I'm on. It's a lifesaver and godsend. These are all other things I can work on, habits I can not engrain and lean out of. Certain traits are good, just not overdone... We don't need to rely on them as a crutch. Surely we know what's balanced, what balanced is. We - just like others, have relied on fixes and habits and patterns that worked in times of severe stress to get us through. They become hypertrophied, automatic and detrimental.... when they become automatic or too relied upon, many people become stuck....we had a bad or hard past, we did what we needed to, to get by at the time, we learned what works and that's it; we learn and continue this thing because it worked. It's better to lead and cultivate a balanced life.
It's better to look at your life and to cultivate a balance, to uncover those wounds and scars and look at them again, once again; to expose them to heal once again. Instead of keeping a perpetual bandage on.. or never learning that you can indeed, heal.
I'm a member of a support group now that meets once weekly... they support each other and help each other heal. There are also many venues of support within this large church that offer counseling and support to persons dealing with their issues.
We rack up wounds as we age, but we don't have to keep them, only to bear the scars, which fade in the time.
