Blew My Temper On The Kids

[Grizzly]

I have been away working for a few days. Came home. Took the family out to dinner. Saturday went car shopping. I was happy to be home. Last night we go to dinner. Wife is constantly on her cell surfing or whatever. I keep thinking put the f*cking phone down and enjoy the time with your family. It's been like this for a long time now. And I usually keep it too myself. Frankly I end up being passive aggressive take it out on something else. eventually.

Anyway, I have my son's LL ball game. I'm watching him nearly knock one beyond the fence. I'm ecstatic (as any father would be) and I turn around and see her head buried into her f*cking phone. I'm like WTF...how could anything be more interesting than her son possibly scoring a HR. It was a triple..but still!

So now I'm fuming. I know in my mind it's a trivial thing, but it has triggered me into full on rage. I walked into my house and noticed the kids stuff all over the place. Clothes not picked up. Dirty dishes. And I snapped. I start screaming. I immediately see the look of terror in the kid's eyes. They are scared of me and crying and looking for an evac. Wife is still sitting in the car reading here phone.

So I look at her phone last night. Hopefully I would find something interesting. Boyfirend...some juicy sexting. Something more interesting that the sites like perez hilton, pinterest and facebook. So I look at the root directory of the phone. Nothing. I look at the texts. Nothing. I look at keystrokes. Nada! Or nothing of any interest other than talking about her idiot manager and useless sister.

I literally wanted to drop it in the shitter (phone). I slung it against the wall hoping for it to break. No luck.

Today I am mad at my self. 1. Scaring the kids. 2. for realizing my propensity for anger could manifest into violence. I tell myself this wouldn't happen. But frankly, I don't know for sure.

It's been almost a year since I had an explosive rage episode like this. Now I wonder if the AD's are losing their effectiveness. Or I wonder if I just let it build too much.

One issue I know I do is hold too much emotion in. In fact, I hold it all in. I am self aware of this and have not been able to work on it. I am afraid of instigating the debate with someone. It usually ends up me losing control and something getting damaged be it drywall, glass, human tissue, ego etc.. Fact of the matter, I can't use PTSD as an excuse.

So I wanted to vent this off. I am still in pressure cooker mode. I know one of you will understand part of it. This at least has made me cool down in writing it.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Grizz, to tell you the truth, you sound like me a number of years ago........Question? Why don't you feel you can use PTSD
as an excuse???

J R

 

[Woodman]

can't use PTSD because you feel like it's a cop out?

 

[Grizzly]

Grizz, to tell you the truth, you sound like me a number of years ago........Question? Why don't you feel you can use PTSD
as an excuse???

J R

Me personally...I feel that there is no excuse when it comes to my behavior towards my children. Beyond what we can tell us or justify to ourselves or what the therapist will preach to me that this is PTSD. I fail myself when I lose control this bad.

can't use PTSD because you feel like it's a cop out?

Yes, that is part of it too.

I often find myself that this becomes this cascading synapse of anger and rage. Its blood boiling. And it gets worse and worse as the moments pass. Mainly because I get the most angry at myself.

 

[Friday]

Ordinarily I send myself on the same damn time-outs I send my kids on. ((Not timed / not punishment. Ha. Punishments I get all creative on. These, though are a time to let hot emotions cool off with reason returning. Can come off when I can say what happened, why it happened, at least 2 different things I can do next time, and an action plan to put things right. Can last anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours depending on how well I'm doing)). LOL. Time-outs are sacred in my house / absolutely no pestering anyone on one unless the house is on fire, zombie apocalypse, etc. Snort. My son is totally abusing that rule to watch porn in private, ATM. Shrug. Hey, it's one was to self soothe.

My temper has been a frayed mess these past few (several) months. Like wet on water, FFS. Stress cup just overflowing and everything leaking out all sideways. If I don't vent it? Early & often? No amount of Chill Time in the world is enough to circumvent that bitch.

Got anything in your life that let's you vent some of this stress? (Hell, just going out & coming back would be a difficult transition to make for me... Okay. Home now. Time to melt down :P... And that's without my spouse driving me nuts)

 

[Grizzly]

Stress relief. No. I know I need to deploy this. Just can't seem to do it.

 

[Raven]

Then I guess it's not an iPhone.

Anyway, you're right. It's a bad day when you blame everything on the PTSD. You are ultimately accountable for your own behavior. Not the beast.

 

[vikingr24]

Sometimes I wonder if I got PTSD from my father or I developed it myself. But some of the literature even here on this site suggests that we are predisposed to PTSD, as in father's or mother's (or both) who unleash their anger on their kids. I understand my father now because he had "battle fatigue" from flying 8th Air Force in WWII. I thought many times I had seen my last day at 8 or 9 years old. But like you, he was my best cheerleader when I finally managed to put one over the fence. But he actually cried the day I came back from Ranger school. He knew I was headed for the jungle.

Not laying a guilt trip on you. Just telling you that you do have so much impact on your kids. A hug goes a long way with a kid. It's a sappy thing to say but I'd give anything if my dad had just said he was sorry. He tried to at one time. But it just isn't right when he says he doesn't know what he did wrong.

When I first went to a psych and had all the tests, he said the first thing he sees is a man who does not understand anger. That it's OK to have it and be angry because anger means you are hurt and pain is a human thing. I saw so much in myself that day. A man coming back from war and denied I had been really wounded, physically and mentally. I denied I was human. And the world then as now has so many imperfections. Why can't it go the way it should? (Shoulda, woulda, coulda -- my favorite excuses.) I still catch myself saying things that demand perfection or more attention.

Pat yourself on the back for recognizing your imperfections. After all, life is one imperfect activity after another.

 

[Grizzly]

That's my biggest fear @vikingr24. Causing some psychological impact on my kids due to my PTSD. For if it weren't for my kids, I'd never sought help. I would try and empty my anger into a bottle or onto any person I could find. And if I couldn't find someone to hit I'd take my anger out in other forms like sex. Not proud at all with my management techniques.

There are still days I consider going back to my old ways. Sometimes it feels like a faster approach than therapy. You know...as the rage reaches it pressure point it decompresses.

I'm afraid I've already caused irreversible damage in their psyche. I've seen their changed mannerisms. How they view the world with a little less innocence. And I'm having a very difficult time forgiving myself for this. You have to see the the terror in their faces to understand what I'm talking about. I feel it's borderline abusive.

 

[Friday]

You have to see the the terror in their faces to understand what I'm talking about. I feel it's borderline abusive.

It can go that way, for sure.

It can also go the other way... You help teach them to grow up. Not just modeling tantrums or snits, but also how to own up to their mistakes, how to put things right. How to be strong & honest & brave as hell. Just like anything with kids, it means taking extra time to do anything. LOL. Which means seriously cooling off to have that patience to make a thing take longer, but whatever. Ya get down on their level, & put things right with them, every time it goes wrong. Nice thing is? You'll start to see that in them, too. When they screw up? They'll start owning it. When they're embarrassed? They'll chin up and play on. The same skills we have to use to beast wrangle? Build character. To be confident in themselves that mistakes happen, & they can fix them. It's damn cool to watch, actually. Especially when they come to you absolutely clueless as to why their friends are hiding things because they're afraid or embarrassed, instead of owning up and dealing, or thinking on their feet.

 

[Grizzly]

It can go that way, for sure.

It can also go the other way... You help teach them to grow up. Not just modeling tantrums or snits, but also how to own up to their mistakes, how to put things right. How to be strong & honest & brave as hell. Just like anything with kids, it means taking extra time to do anything. LOL. Which means seriously cooling off to have that patience to make a thing take longer, but whatever. Ya get down on their level, & put things right with them, every time it goes wrong. Nice thing is? You'll start to see that in them, too. When they screw up? They'll start owning it. When they're embarrassed? They'll chin up and play on. The same skills we have to use to beast wrangle? Build character. To be confident in themselves that mistakes happen, & they can fix them. It's damn cool to watch, actually. Especially when they come to you absolutely clueless as to why their friends are hiding things because they're afraid or embarrassed, instead of owning up and dealing, or thinking on their feet.

I wish it were going that way. Maybe it is. But I'm noticing some traits in my son where he is beginning to hide emotion, sneak around if he feels I'll catch him and other things. Perhaps this is normal for a 9 year old. I just don't know.

I can't do things normal people do. I shy away from most people. You know, we do little league BB. I stand over in The corner of the park away from the other parents. I don't associate with anyone. After each game or practice we bug out as quick as possible. He's questioned this. He's picked up I'm not like all the other dads. But how do you explain to a 9 year old that you have trust issues and can't seem to trust anyone?

I know one thing. This is no way to live. No way to raise kids. While I know how emotionally and statistically my kids need me. From time to time I question whether they would be better off if I wasn't in the picture.

There has been extreme violence and mayhem my entire life. My grandfather put his family, my father through the same ordeal. After WWII. Then my father who a vet, finally found his beast in an industrial accident and was in an explosion burning 90% of his body with 3rd degree burns. Then he was murdered 7 months after I returned home from the war. So like I said, there's enough fuel for my own fire with the beast.

 

[vikingr24]

Griz,

Never give up when it comes to your kids, your wife, or especially yourself. I hope you have found a good therapist. And you have the right meds, if you need them. At those times when you feel you need to be with other Dads and social gatherings, I know it's hard, but camouflage yourself as someone else. Develop a personae that just goes through the motions. Lying? No. It's presenting a side of yourself even you might be surprised at.

I still hold my breath just going out to a restaurant or to a party. Or especially when a crowd forms. Somebody has a knife and they are going to stick me.

Part of what I do is just accept that I have PTSD at all. For years I denied it, even though doctors were talking about for a long time. But when I look at my behavior and examine my feelings, it's there, that little bastard in me that can chew someone's ass right down to the bone.

I've learned to just step back, let the other guy live. We already have others to mourn. So many others.