Blocked trauma

[MyWillow]

I hear you. I will tell you until I’m blue in the face that I have zero recollection of experiencing trauma. But the dissociation and flashbacks triggered by T and by my family will tell a different story. Until the last several months I dissociated through the flashbacks so had no memory of what happened. Apart from a blank out and a very strong emotional and physical reaction that would take days to recover from. I am now having visual flashes and remembering them. Although I can’t connect the majority of them with a lived experience. My psydoc deals with it by encouraging me to learn to soothe myself and be gentle. Change the narrative from “this is ridiculous” to “I am safe now”.

 

[Pauline]

I just have a lot of life and death experiences as well and I've been in the inbetween and with my heart condition I have always experienced life and death issues on top of everything else it just gets really tiring for me X

 

[grit]

Hi Pauline
Thank you for sharing this threat and your thoughts.
The first feeling that showed up in therapy for me was I will go crazy! I know my childhood was fraught and that the voice of my mother is a sore point for me - frightens me like a bomb explosion but I got used to all of these and there is no one day that I can say things change.

but just last night and this morning, I am waking up to some real memories from my preteen and teen years that seem to push me over the edge but i cannt articulate.

I really feel childhood abuse is hard to pinpoint. so many things can start way before we are thinking bodies. One thing that saved me from a lot of other psychological illness is I love my body and I soothe it physically and now I am learning how to soothe all the different parts in my mind and psychic. I may truly never get one narrative or story that will say this is why I have trauma but my body is soaked in it so I am flexible and gentle with it.

 

[Abstract]

I just have a lot of life and death experiences as well and I've been in the inbetween and with my heart condition I have always experienced life and death issues on top of everything else it just gets really tiring for me X

This is big stuff to deal with. Its really good you can verbalise that. I hope you are getting the opportunity to start looking at that with your therapist too.