Body Sensations / Pains

[Healing Survivor]

Hi. I am having a lot of pain in my shins around the ankles. There is no explanation for it. Could this be a body memory?

 

[Iam]

I guess my question to you is, "Do you think the pain is related to trauma you experienced? If so, why?"

I know that I had pain all over, fibromyalgia type symptoms, as well as numbness in my face & muscle spasms all over. Some of it was from spinal stenosis in my neck and lower back. Intense physical therapy 3x a week for 6 months took care of the most of my symptoms, all but the pain due to the stenosis. Looking back on it now, I can see that it was long term, very severe muscle tension due to PTSD, but not necessarily as directly related to physical memories of any of the specific traumas.

I have had body memory flashbacks. For me, even though it was not something that I remembered before (I have very fragmented memories of some of my traumas), the body memories were extremely intense, came on fast and I was able to consciously pin them to a specific trauma. In fact, the body memories actually brought on more visual and cognitive memories that had been completely suppressed.

IDK if that helps because it is only my individual experiences that I am speaking from.

 

[blueangel371115]

I can sometimes feel his hands on my throat so maybe, not sure.

 

[Healing Survivor]

The reason I wonder is because this pain feels just like other body memories I've had, it's just in a different location. I don't have many specific memories, but I've wondered I'd this pain is of being held down by my legs. I don't know...I wish I had the answers. Thanks for all your help

 

[Iam]

Quite possibly. I think your gut knows the truth. Listen to it. For me I am trying to use any flashback I get to remember more of what happened to me. At times I have actually kept myself in the flashback for that reason. Not pleasant at all, but well worth knowing more of what happened.

 

[ccj]

I was raped repeatedly as a child and young adult. Sometimes when I think about it, I have terrible pelvic pain. I even wake up in pain some nights. Has anyone else experienced this in any way? It's driving me crazy. The pain feels so real but I know there's no reason for it to hurt now. I can't tell if it's real pain or if I'm imagining it. Help?

i hate to say this but reading your post made my day!! i'm experiencing the same thing-the pelvic pain. plus i experienced pretty much the same childhood nightmare of repeated sexual abuse and rape. i was feeling the same way...am i going crazy (especially since i had a complete hysterectomy last year-i have no reason to have severe cramps. it was my therapist who described it as phantom pains...last week in my session i relived when i lost my virginity-being raped at age 10 by my uncle a catholic priest.
does anyone have any advice...how do you really heal from a lifetime of pretending. i've had to pretend all my life. so do i keep pretending to keep everyone else happy. or do i quit pretending so i can heal?
just asking...i'm feeling really lost and confused.

 

[anthony]

Psychosomatic pain is actually very normal with trauma, regardless the type. It is not uncommon to hear someone who has been in a car accident to have continuing pain in their chest where the seatbelt hurt them, just because they get into the car, or have been in a car. Sexual abuse, very very normal to experience it, being the brain remembers the pain, in its simplest form, and a thought can replace the same or similar pain to the region. Some studies have even classified this as a form of flashback, being it is quite normal that flashbacks are sensory only, compared to the more typical dissociative type remembrance. Whist flashbacks, in the sense of a visual video in your head replaying the event, is extremely extremely rare, sensory flashbacks are very normal, using any of the five senses, which tend to also overlap the dissociative sensory memories.

From talking with many women even 30, 40 & 50 years after their sexual events, having healed their trauma, and they still at times have psychosomatic pain for no other reason than a sensory flashback, being a symptom of PTSD, and even symptom of just trauma itself, whether you meet PTSD criterion or not.

 

[artsy152]

As a child and occasionally when my own children were toddlers, right before I fell asleep I would have a weird physical experience - my hands and tongue and lips would feel huge, 10 times bigger than normal and pulsating. I had no idea why, but recently I brought this up to my T and realized that it probably has meaning - think about the specific body parts involved. I believe I was sexually molested, but probably in a way that did not necessarily cause pain but rather pleasure. OK that can be a real disaster, believe me! Since I have no actual memories of the events, these physical sensations and other rare "flashbacks" have been the only manifestations that have pointed in the right direction. Otherwise, I would be depressed and dissociative and have no idea why.

I am wondering if others had any similar experiences...

 

[Bella T Walters]

When you remember the memory of some trauma all the emotions and body sensations come to the surface so you have process the event in a better time frame. As children or vulnerable people, we dissociate and disconnect from the trauma because it is the only way you can survive. The body shuts down the pain factor so that you can live.

The memories are held in the muscle or cells. Everything comes up. I asked my Chiropractor who is a Buddhist and can see auras on people and he says, when the mind remembers the body falls in line. I have learned to simply breathe and ask my BODY or GOD...to take the pain and leave the lesson. I have long been dissociating and disconnecting because of all the trauma I suffered, but now I want to live in peace and live for living.

I have to train my body and my brain that it is ok and safe for me to start living in the present so that I can stop the self-abuse of living on survival instinct. The body has the fight or flight response and nearly all abused victims and those who suffer PTSD have a had time living in the moment. Can you blame them? I mean I see the stories on this site. I know my own. It was never safe for me to be vulnerable and child like. Why? The men in my world took it all to their advantage. My mind split. My body went numb.

Now that I want and need to be more present in my life, my body has been reminding me of all the physical and emotional trauma that my muscles remember....and now instead of running away, I run towards people who can help me. A nice kind naturopath Dr. Wonderful supportive friends. KIND inner words to myself and even better...I started to say HEY GOD...Please, take away this pain (my guilt for thinking I could have stopped this abuse as a child)....and leave the lesson. The lessons for me right now is living, not surviving...and living in present moment.

I love myself enough now to say, this pain is OLD and I no longer want it.

 

[mamachick]

I was married at age 17 and my husband was bi polar and an addict. I was about 18-19 when he violently raped me when I refused sex. My daughter was about 2 and came into the room and he shoved her out and locked the door while she cried in the hall. He was abusive for 7 years of marraige before I got away from him. I vowed to stay away from unstable violent people. Two years ago, I was in menopause and no period for about a year. I asked a boyfriend to leave my house but he wouldnt. The police were called and the officer insisted I was someone else that he obviously didnt like. The officer threatened to arrest me several times and made me sit on the floor while my daughter (age 20) watched him insult me. I told the officer that I just wanted this man to leave as it is my home, I am the owner, and he does not belong here. The officer jerked my arms behind me causing injury and continued to assault me then take me to the hospital. At the hospital, I had blood running down my legs. I bled for about 2 weeks very heavily and with severe pelvic pain. I have never bled since. Almost everyone asked if the officer sexually assaulted me. I even think some do not believe me when I say no. He did not. I do however think that the body remembers this previous trauma. Nobody has slammed me around since my ex husband and my body responded as though the attack was on. After all this, a couple months later I went back with my boyfriend. He watched this officer and knew it was wrong and could not stop it. Im not with him now but I still dont blame him even though he should have just left. I was not sexually abused as a child but I did have adult men try when I was a child and I ran and locked myself in a room and called for help. (so Im not the most trusting). I know that this does not make sense but one of the reasons I went back with the boyfriend was his nurturing ability. I needed that safe touch (not sexually). He was also very safe sexually. I never felt threatened in a sexual way as I have on dates before. We went out all the time and I felt safe. The pelvic pain also stopped during the year back together. We ended it 8 months ago. I go out as little as possible(especially knowing that a cop can do this and get away with it) but I have pelvic pain again. Its not all the time but it makes me question if there is something wrong. I dont go to the dr because Im sure its related. If my uterus can produce inordinate and abnormal amounts of blood during menopause because of male physical agression, then I guess it can produce stabbing pain, or maybe its just atrophy. Either way, as time passes, I doubt that I will want to be in a sexual relationship again. Men have shown me that I have no rights. Although I dont intend to die with that belief-I will be back, and stronger. Maybe right now I am just re-fueling my body.

 

[mamachick]

I also want to clarify that maybe my comparison is not so good as what happened to me is no comparison to childhood sexual abuse. Only that the body seems to remember what the mind ignores or supresses.

 

[zora_schwarz]

Hi everyone,

About my story: I was raped two years ago and another time about 10 years ago. Complicating it all is the fact that I went through an hypersexual coping period when i was raped the second time. Also, I was repetedly beaten up by older boys as a 2 year old, one time was traumatic. Sometimes Im not sure if there was more. Some flashbacks do not relate to the two rapes and I'm not sure what they relate to.
I've been suffering from PTSD for a year now (before I was repressing, the only symptom was a severe depression) I've been in trauma specific treatment for 3 months now. My flashbacks are exclusivly sensorial and were rare, they are getting more frequent now.

One thing that is especially freaking me out is when (I guess at the beginning of my cycle, after the menstruation) I feel my vagina. I mean, when I constantly feel it. I haven't had sex in a year now (I have a boyfriend), the thought of penetration is panicking to me. My sexuality returned a little bit some months ago, I sometimes masturbate and regularly have sexual dreams, but most of the time I feel repulsed by the idea of sex (I used to love it) and even of my body, especially of my vagina.

In times like the ones described above, I feel sheer panic. I already wear wide clothes all the time but in the most acute moments I sit/stand in the weirdest positions to prevent anything from touching my vagina (obviously getting naked is not an alternative).
I have hit myself in this region but it resulted in a more intense feeling, so fortunately I dont do that anymore. but in these moments I wished i could anesthesise my vagina and in my desperation I feel myself wanting to sew it shut...

I'm trying to accept these feelings, love my body... I realised that acception, even of distressing feelings is the only way of true recovery, but Im not there yet, I still live many moments of fear and panic.

The thing is I'm very schizophrenic in my feelings towards myself. I love and hate myself at the same time. Or to put it differently, I hate my body because I suffered through it. I would love to leave my body and to take on a new one that is not associated to violence.

Has anyone of you overcome these kind of feelings and HOW?
Thanks alot!