Sufferer Born Of A Virgin, Used As A Sex Toy, Trained As A Pedophile, Self-loathing, Ptsd.. And So Much More

[NDKnight]

The only saving grace is that I haven't touched a child since I was 18. It was almost a yr later that I found out quite by accident that what had been done to me and what I had been taught were so far from what was right and good as white is to black. It doesn't mean that my mind doesn't continue to have these thoughts and desires which are SO revolting as to make drinking sewage is something nice.

 

[Lionheart]

NDKnight,

I am sorry that you suffered at the hands of your grandfather. You are not the same as him. You recognize that acting out those desires would be abusive and harmful to others and I commend you for fighting against those desires/feelings!

I am a male survivor of sexual child abuse, I too was 'groomed....and fell victim to a child pornography ring. I used to have many undesirable thoughts (which were a direct result of my "training")...those thought/feelings have never completely gone away, but I have the power not to act on them. I am neither a victim or a perpetrator...I am a survivor, by choice.

It takes time to heal from abuse, I wish it were not so, but unfortunately it does take awhile to overcome the shame and guilt that we were infused with. I don't feel that shame/guilt anymore like I once did. I just recognize it as an after effect of abuse and allow the thoughts/desires to come and go. They have become much less frequent and intense as I have healed from the past. This is my hope for you as well.

Wishing you peace,
Lion

 

[NDKnight]

Thank you Lion,

I believe your right, I was "groomed" I don't even remember how old I was when he started with me, because I remember I had always been scared of him, and I never knew why.

When I was conscious of the abuse I remember getting his promise that as long as I was his "special" grandson, that there was no need to have any others in my family.
What a joke.
One of the worst memories is watching him rape my younger sister on his bed, while I locked the door. I can see her eyes full of tears crying for me to help her and I am laughing.

What kind of brother am I? She begged for my help and I just stood there laughing and crying at the same time. Just the thought sends my body shaking with disgust and rage at myself.

I was suppose to protect my sisters, what a failure.

 

[Diamond81]

NDKnight

Any witness to that sort of event is also a victim. One of the most difficult things many survivors have to overcome as adults is feelings they should have done more. Another big issue is guilty over having remembered "enjoying" it. The thing about people like your abuser is that they are extremely adept at exploiting vulnerabilities and using a system of rewards to continue to ensure loyalty and silence.

You were a child. You were not supposed to protect anyone, someone was supposed to protect YOU. Even if some of this continued into later years, parts of you were still a child.

The tactics used by serial pedophiles wouldn't necessarily work on an adult. Yet as adult survivors, often we attempt to "take responsibility" (which is a very adult thing to do), but when the abuse took place, there was simply no way to prevent it.

We would have stopped if we could have, if we had understood then what we know today, and that is the legacy. We are left to deal with all the scars, and often we choose unhealthy ways of doing this, often we experience revictimization by our own hand.

I would only add that your feelings as described above, are very normal. The fact that you even have them is healthy, even. I think you are on track and once you are able to grieve your own victim hood, squarely fix blame where it belongs, you can be free........

 

[Girl3]

NDK - people who are sexually abused as children often resort to sexual behaviors as they get older, either be becoming promiscuous or by becoming abusers. It is a way of regaining power that was lost. I was sexually abused by my older brother repeatedly for years. Then I got raped at age 14. While one would think it would have made me stay far, far away from sex, it made me more vulnerable to being sexually used.

Therapy has helped me immensely to understand how the abuse affected my life choices - and that I don't have to make those choices any longer. I don't have to submit to sexual abuse of any kind because I have a right to my body, which no one else can violate.

You are probably not a pedophile. You are the victim of abuse who reacted by trying to gain control/mastery/power over your own history by taking control/exerting sexual 'power' over others at a time in your life that if your abuse had not happened, you'd have been making 'normal' sexual choices in 'normal' ways with age-appropriate people.

Shame and guilt are the trademark emotions of PTSD - shame about what was done to us and what we've done; guilt because we usually feel that somehow we caused it to happen.

Read about childhood sexual abuse and the trauma it caused you - it will free you to heal when you have a better understanding. I hope you find the support, love, and understanding you need and deserve. This is a very good place to begin.

 

[Diamond81]

NDK If you want, feel free to use the "conversation" fucntion if you want to talk with me on any level. It would help me a lot too.

 

[NDKnight]

All I want to do is make sure that I will not be the pain and suffering of another child. If I have to mutilate my body to make sure of that I will. I am so tired, I just want it to be over, and it never will. It is burned into my mind, and it is as repulsive now as it was then. Monsters like me need to be put down, at least for the safety of others.

I just wish I was strong enough to do it.

 

[Lionheart]

All I want to do is make sure that I will not be the pain and suffering of another child.

I don't think most natural born pedophiles ever worry about their victims and you seem to be filled with a great concern about harming other children. Your self-loathing is a natural response to being groomed, still your concern for others tells me that you do not want to act out on your feelings.

These feelings can get better with the help of a trauma specialist and I hope that you are getting some professional support to deal with the abuse that you have been through. I know that I had to have their help to stop unwanted behaviors in myself. The only difference is that I chose to abuse myself as opposed to abusing others.....(but I still needed help to stop abusing myself).

Once you have those feelings under control, you will be what is known as a "generational stop"...you will have put an end to the legacy of abuse and there will be no more urges to harm yourself or others. This is my hope and wish for you. I think you are a good person who has been hurt and traumatized by abuse and I wish you the same hope and healing that I would for any sufferer of child abuse.

I know it is tough when we have thoughts and urges that cause us to feel disgusted with ourselves, but remember you are a victim/survivor and try not to be so hard on yourself. Please feel free to PM me if you wish to.

Wishing you peace and relief from the suffering,
Lion

 

[Diamond81]

NDKnight:

lots of folks have extended a hand to you. My best advice is that yoou take it

 

[NDKnight]

I thank everyone for their extended hand to me. I am sorry if it looks like I have not been. I know my issues are many, and I don't want anyone to think I wasn't grateful for the information. I really don't have time in my life to take care of my problems as too many people need me. I need to be needed, it keeps me sane most of the time. This may be why it looks like I am always on and not responded. Again I apologize.

 

[Diamond81]

ND all I was trying to say is we are here and we aint going anywhere and we wont turn our backs on you nor will we judge you

 

[p-no]

What kind of brother am I? She begged for my help and I just stood there laughing and crying at the same time.

It's not about what kind of brother you were. It's about that you were her brother. You were peers. In the suffering, too.

It doesn't mean that my mind doesn't continue to have these thoughts and desires (...).

I hear you. I so hear you.