This is a follow-up to a thread I posted yesterday about the father of my baby. Apologies if I'm being repetitive, I'm just very triggered and angry. After I gave him a chance and let him meet the baby despite his constant bullying throughout the pregnancy, he seems to have resorted back to the bullying. He was absolutely great with the baby when I let him visit, and was kind to me in person. But now, last night, he kept pushing for me to make a decision on visitation and his family. I have repeatedly told him that I need time to learn to trust him again before I can make any decisions on when his entire family can visit. In the meantime, I told him I would send him photos and provide updates, but that I need to get over some things before I consent to letting all of his relatives come visit (partly because throughout the pregnancy he kept threatening to take the baby from me and saying his family would raise him .... so the idea of his whole family visiting is a trigger for me). Anyway, last night he said he wants a legal arrangement that would give him custody for a few months out of each year. I said I wouldn't agree to that right now and that it was too early to talk about that when I still needed to learn to trust him again in general. He lashed out, called me a whore, said I was being spiteful and selfish by not giving him and his family unimpeded access to the baby. He said he doesn't think anything he did to me during the pregnancy was wrong (threatening to release a sex tape if i didn't get an abortion, nearly getting me fired and creating a lawsuit for me at my job -- again, with the aim of forcing a miscarriage or abortion, committing credit card fraud and then leaving me to deal with the criminal complaint, while pregnant ... and that's not to mention all the verbal abuse and mindgames). But now he says he doesn't think any of that was wrong, that I deserved it for "going ahead with the pregnancy" even though he made it clear he wanted an abortion. I calmly told him that he was crossing a line with all these comments that we could not go back from and that would make any civil communications going forward impossible, that perhaps it would be best to deal only with lawyers from now on if he wants to visit his son .... he said I was harming my son by suggesting that and "letting him down" by not giving the father whatever he wants, including unimpeded access. He seems to think it's totally okay to abuse me, knowing that I'm breastfeeding and that the baby gets any stress hormones in the breastmilk. Am I overreacting and being sensitive or does this sound like the behavior of a sociopath? When I calmly asked him to stop bullying me and said he was hurting me and that would hurt the baby, his response was, "Well if you're that fragile, you shouldn't have custody of the baby anyway." This is systematic bullying, right? I mean, I gave him a chance and he did seem to care about the baby, but if he constantly bullies me and talks about getting sole custody, i don't see how I can continue to be civil with him at all. I want to shut him out until he can see that what he's doing is wrong. But his line about me harming the baby by denying access really gets me, and when he says that I feel like I have no choice but to let him keep bullying me. Where do I draw the line here? I feel like I have gone above and beyond in giving him another chance, but now if he doesn't even feel remorse for the abuse throughout the pregnancy .... ? Again, sorry for being repetitive with this, I am just freaking out
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Boundaries
- Post starter Casey_03
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digger
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You need to probably consult an attorney. :(.
See what he can even do...and see about getting a restraining order and doing anything else you might need to do to protect yourself and Kid Casey.
This guy is an absolute sociopath and your kid's an American citizen.
You should try to get U.S. papers for the kid as he was born to a citizen, if you have not already?
Just...I don't know when that might be needed?
See what he can even do...and see about getting a restraining order and doing anything else you might need to do to protect yourself and Kid Casey.
This guy is an absolute sociopath and your kid's an American citizen.
You should try to get U.S. papers for the kid as he was born to a citizen, if you have not already?
Just...I don't know when that might be needed?
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- #5
@digger @Stickler I have been telling him for a while that we are past the point of civil discourse and we should be going through lawyers, but he doesn't want to spend the money (and to be honest, I don't really have the money to spend anyway). But I think he realizes that through a lawyer, he has even less of a chance of getting what he wants. I did consult a lawyer on this and there is little that the father can do since he's not on the birth certificate and I'm in Ukraine. He can file to get a paternity test, which would lead the way to more rights, but realistically, it would take years with me in Ukraine and might not even be enforced here.
digger
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That's kind of tough shit for him really. If this is genuinely about wanting to be in his son's life, he will find a way. I know it has financial implications for you too, but I honestly think you are going to keep replaying this with him until you do move to lawyers.
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- #7
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- #8
Friday
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My suggestion to you is to go read a lot, treat it like an investigative piece if you need the distance, in the DV & childhood forums.
I'll give you a starting point to leave simmering in the back of your brain: How good most of those relationships were, & how first order of business was making things right/ "fair" for the abuser. Yes, minimizing will crop up a lot, and it's easy to shift focus onto how can you stay with this abusive prick??? Don't. For the point of this exercise, only look at people talking about the good parts of their relationship.
You will find it, in almost every post, even in the truly horrifying ones. And know? ((You won't want to, it's something even people who work in DV struggle with)... They aren't lying. Abusive relationships are, for the most part, really good ones. Even the ones with daily abuse? Not only is most of the day otherwise good, but it generally takes years to build up to daily abuse. And? Quite frankly? Daily abuse is rare. Learning to keep you abuser happy? Making things "fair" for them? Keeping them happy? Becomes the driving mission of each day, very very naturally. This illusion of control that if you can keep them happy -and boy oh boy are things grand when they're happy- then the bad won't happen. And then that piece? Becomes -quite naturally- blaming yourself for when the bad does happen. This is how abuse works. It's not built off the bad times. It's built off the good ones.
Why am I sending you on this research project?
Because the hallmark of abuse, more than any injury, is the moving of boundaries.
And it's done, exactly as you have already experienced.
I'll give you a starting point to leave simmering in the back of your brain: How good most of those relationships were, & how first order of business was making things right/ "fair" for the abuser. Yes, minimizing will crop up a lot, and it's easy to shift focus onto how can you stay with this abusive prick??? Don't. For the point of this exercise, only look at people talking about the good parts of their relationship.
You will find it, in almost every post, even in the truly horrifying ones. And know? ((You won't want to, it's something even people who work in DV struggle with)... They aren't lying. Abusive relationships are, for the most part, really good ones. Even the ones with daily abuse? Not only is most of the day otherwise good, but it generally takes years to build up to daily abuse. And? Quite frankly? Daily abuse is rare. Learning to keep you abuser happy? Making things "fair" for them? Keeping them happy? Becomes the driving mission of each day, very very naturally. This illusion of control that if you can keep them happy -and boy oh boy are things grand when they're happy- then the bad won't happen. And then that piece? Becomes -quite naturally- blaming yourself for when the bad does happen. This is how abuse works. It's not built off the bad times. It's built off the good ones.
Why am I sending you on this research project?
Because the hallmark of abuse, more than any injury, is the moving of boundaries.
And it's done, exactly as you have already experienced.
- Post starter
- #10
@FridayJones Thank you, I needed that. I have read through some DV forums and I think part of my problem is that I feel like if he's only abusing me and not the baby, I'd be selfish to block him. Every time he actually says something along those lines - "You're doing this out of spite" "You're selfish for depriving him of his father" -- it actually works on me, it obliterates me emotionally and morally and I just capitulate and give in. I genuinely don't want to deprive my son of his father. So I keep giving the father more chances. He was genuinely very loving towards the baby, so I keep thinking, "Well, maybe he'll calm down and stop treating me like shit." I know it's wrong, but I keep falling into that trap. The other really terrible thing I keep doing is, when the father lashes out at me, trying to convince him he's being abusive, as if that will make any difference. That is another thing that victims of abuse, emotional and physical, do. They wrongly seek an apology or some sort of remorse from the abuser, when the very definition of abuse means the abuser won't see what he's doing as wrong. I can't let him weaken me like this; I was doing so well. I should also clarify that the father lives abroad, so he has no regular contact with me or the baby - it's all limited to text messages by phone.
I tried the reasoning you are using....if only I had done such and such....I want my son's to have a father...etc. to the point of almost getting myself killed. I have no choice now, but to look back on those days and wish I had done something sooner, as my days usually involve at least one flashback from those fearful times. The trust isn't going to be there. Someone who wanted you to kill your baby and has no respect or concern for the baby's mother, is probably not going to be a safe loving father for your child.
Not only that, but every minute your baby is with someone, who is a known abuser, is going to tear at your heart and create fear in your mind. Trust your instincts. My children's family did try to take them from me. They said the mean hurtful things you shared. They belittled me and harassed me after I moved further away. BUT....you know what? I survived and I am safe now. That allowed me to care for and love the most important people in my life, my son's.
There are lawyers who do pro bono cases. There are women's support groups or resource centers who understand what you are experiencing (well in the U.S. anyway....not familiar with Ukraine.) If you are seeing a counselor, ask him or her where to go for legal help. Protect your baby and don't let the baby's father use your child to further abuse and control you. Nothing good will come off that.
It isn't going to be easy...I know this first-hand, but you deserve to look out for yourself so you can be a happy mother for you baby.
I wish you peace and send positive thoughts your way.
Not only that, but every minute your baby is with someone, who is a known abuser, is going to tear at your heart and create fear in your mind. Trust your instincts. My children's family did try to take them from me. They said the mean hurtful things you shared. They belittled me and harassed me after I moved further away. BUT....you know what? I survived and I am safe now. That allowed me to care for and love the most important people in my life, my son's.
There are lawyers who do pro bono cases. There are women's support groups or resource centers who understand what you are experiencing (well in the U.S. anyway....not familiar with Ukraine.) If you are seeing a counselor, ask him or her where to go for legal help. Protect your baby and don't let the baby's father use your child to further abuse and control you. Nothing good will come off that.
It isn't going to be easy...I know this first-hand, but you deserve to look out for yourself so you can be a happy mother for you baby.
I wish you peace and send positive thoughts your way.
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- #12
@Enaila Thank you, it helps to hear that from someone with similar experience. I guess up until now I've actually kind of felt pity for him -- in the sense that he's acting very cowardly - he was never abusive in person; it's always been limited to bullying texts, emails, or stunts from behind a computer screen. So I guess I have had a hard time actually seeing him as an immediate threat in any way. He seemed more like an angry child throwing a tantrum. But now that he has created a really toxic environment and demonstrated that he will not respect me as the mother of the child, that he will in fact only bully me and try to break me down, there is no point giving him any more chances. I have documented some of the bullying and threats, but I really wish I had been able to document more (he uses an app that doesn't allow you to save messages; they vanish within 30 seconds of reading them)
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