Boundaries

[digger]

(he uses an app that doesn't allow you to save messages; they vanish within 30 seconds of reading them)

Do you have a separate camera? Set it up so that you can take a photograph of the screen whenever you open anything from him regardless of content?

 

[Enaila]

Don't reply to any messages unless they can be saved as written documents. My ex was so sweet to others, charming, and manipulative. I always loved him and wanted it to work out....I did. I thought it was only me being abused and he is kind to his sons, but I was in denial. I don't know the personal reasons he had for wanting you to get an abortion, and maybe his heart has changed, but if there is bullying and intimidation towards you, is this really what you want your child learning?

 

[Enaila]

Are you able to screen shot the message as soon as they open? Keep documenting everything. I just burned some journals I used for documentation...and it was helpful for my lawyer. (My sons' father died 11 years ago and they are both adults now...healthy happy ones....even without a father in their lives.)

 

[Casey_03]

I can screenshot the messages when they appear but there's no identifying marker - no username or telephone number or anything to show who the message is from. I have some earlier messages on a different app that show his phone number, but once he figured out i could save those threats he stopped using that app.

 

[digger]

Probably worth saving them anyway. Or changing your number and forcing him to only contact you by different means?

Request that he only contact you on one email address and state that you won't be opening correspondence from him in other forms.

 

[Enaila]

You are calling them threats and have used the word bullying in several earlier posts. I point this out as it indicates you are not feeling safe and know he is not safe for you or the baby. Seek legal counsel and don't give up. I had one lawyer make light of my concerns and say I watched too much t v....rarely do children get kidnapped by their non-custodial parent. I said I felt he was capable of doing such a thing. He did. He took off with my oldest for three days. I grabbed the baby and started yelling in the public parking lot. Thankfully my oldest was returned to me, my lawyer fired, and a new lawyer hired who was willing to take payments for however long it took me to repay him. It was one of the toughest times in my life....but you sound like someone willing to stand up and protect your child and yourself. It is worth it.

 

[Enaila]

I need to try to calm down, so I can sleep some. I do want you to know it is helping me work through some things (feelings?) I have buried by responding to you. I'm sorry if my responses seemed scattered. I have been trying to stay grounded while replying. I will share briefly about a student teacher I had who was in a similar situation to you only her baby's father was incarcerated at the time her son was born. Anyway, I spent an hour once with tears in my eyes sharing some of what I have shared with you. Know you are a strong woman. Put yourself first, so you can care for your child as a healthy parent and so on. She chose to get herself to a safe place for her son and herself. She has been happily married for the past the years to a guy who loves her and adopted her son as his own. All are happy and safe. Her son's biological father quit harassing and bullying her when she quit visiting him and responding to his calls and texts. Maybe your child's biological father will lose interest when he realizes he can't intimidate or abuse you any more.

 

[joeylittle]

If he's not got rights - because of not being on the birth certificate, and not having status in the Ukraine - then I'd think he would have to get a lawyer and initiate something before you'd need one. So, you probably just need to go ahead and cut him off. Don't read the messages, and if you can, keep your current contact info but get new phone and email so you can just let your other phone sit there and get texts from him and gather dust.

I know it's not likely to be as easy as that. But I think you need to go ahead and be done with him, and take advantage of the fact that he currently has no rights.

Ugh. I'm sorry it's like this.

 

[Riot]

If you take a picture, the time and date should be encoded in a time stamp even if you can't see it. While this may not help retroactively, it might be a good idea to consider snapping screenshots/photos as soon as possible from here out.

 

[Casey_03]

@Enaila Thanks, I'm glad this is helping you get some of those feelings out. It's helpful for me to hear about what you went through, and that of the other woman you mention. I think you're right that the father will probably lose interest if I just stop responding. It seems like a lot of this has been fueled by him wanting to punish me for having the baby. I guess I'm stupid for wanting to give him a chance... @joeylittle I think you're right. I'm just glad I didn't put him on the birth certificate. @Riot Good idea, if anything it will at least let me have a record of everything that I can keep straight ...

 

[Enaila]

Casey, you aren't stupid for wanting to give him a chance. You are a caring individual, which is a good thing, but can also cause you to be an easier victim for those who are selfish or have selfish motives. I agree with joeylittle and riot on their suggestions.

 

[Casey_03]

I'm freaking out and having panic attacks -- he just messaged saying he is flying to Kiev next week with his family regardless of whether or not I give him/them permission to meet the baby. It's evil and a brilliant move on his part, because if I deny them, I will look like the spiteful ex, which is just what he's trying to depict me as.