Boundaries

[Changing4Best]

BOUNDARIES:

Have you set any? (How has that worked out if you have?)

Have you expected that the person would follow your boundaries?

What do you do if they don't?

Do you see a boundary more as something that you need to take action upon, and change something that you are doing, if it is not followed? For instance leave, ignore the person, etc.

Or do you see it as something with which to control others?

Are people required to do as you request, concerning a boundary you have set?

Do you think there is such a thing as an unreasonable boundary?

If someone sets an unreasonable boundary upon you, what do you do in response?

Has anyone set boundarie(s) upon you, if so, what have you chosen to do in response?

Is there anything else on the subject of boundaries that you would like to share?

 

[intothelight]

From my own personal experience, I have found that most people have boundaries and they vary depending upon the relationship. Most of the time, I do not have to verbalize my boundaries as they are pretty much understood by body language and social norms. It is subtle as if someone is physically too close, I back up a bit. If someone hugs without asking, I stiffen. Topics that are not ones I care to discuss, I will change the subject after a monosyllable answer. I find that most people get it and I get them in regard to others.

The only people I have had difficulty with boundaries are those who are just plain outgoing and don't know a stranger and those with BPD. The first group I just kind of take them as they are as I know it isn't something manipulative. The second group is a whole other matter and I state my boundaries clearly and if they continue to violate them, I cut off contact. Don't need that in my life.

To have boundaries isn't about control, but comfort and safety. Those that insist in violating boundaries, they are the one's with the control issues. However, there are always exceptions and then one has to consider intent and whether or not it is worth making an issue over. I am not a "hugger", but there are a lot of people that are and I have learned just to chill and not "stiffen" especially with extended family. It was uncomfortable at first, but I have gotten better over time as there is no malice in them and it is just how they express themselves.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have a situation in life where a person has said they no longer want to talk to me, but then when I say things to others within earshot of this person, he makes snide comments to me concerning what I have said to them. Or he just makes snide comments about something I am doing, or something he thinks I should be doing as part of my job (but is not part of my job description). He refuses to talk to me at all, so I cannot resolve any of this with him. I am irked!

 

[intothelight]

so I cannot resolve any of this with him. I am irked!

Not knowing the entire situation, sounds like he is enjoying getting under your skin. No, you can't resolve it with him because it take two people to do that, but you can resolve it within yourself and eliminate your own frustration and irritation. Honestly, it sounds pretty juvenile and it doesn't merit you giving it a second thought. Ignore him and just go about your own business. If he doesn't get a response and realizes you are no longer taking the bait, he'll move on to someone who does.

 

[Changing4Best]

I deleted what I wrote, because I realized I should not have posted it, because of a rule here. Sorry!

 

[Changing4Best]

I changed my mind and decided not to post what I just wrote.

 

[EveHarrington]

That person was in the wrong.

I'm not a mod but I will say this. Tell them to read the damn rules. Mods and admins tell us ad nauseam to take what helps us and leave the rest. This person was trying to manipulate you because she couldn't handle her own triggers. Next time mod alert the conversation and an admin can read it and help sort things out.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks for reading and replying, Eve. I goofed though. I should not have posted that....

 

[Changing4Best]

What do you do, when, for instance, your church life is a huge part of your life, and someone you come into contact with demands that you not talk about your church or God or anything religious, even though you are in a group and others there are members of your faith and are interested in hearing about these kinds of things?

(And the group is online, so you cannot move yourself away from this person or take away some of the members elsewhere, to have this kind of conversation).

 

[EveHarrington]

As in zero religious talk?

 

[Changing4Best]

Right. @EveHarrington ZERO.

 

[EveHarrington]

This isn't a boundary issue.

This is a nasty person who wants to control you issue.

A boundary is a line of what we will and will not accept. If a person crosses a boundary, we disengage, leave, etc.

Forcing someone else to change is manipulative and has nothing to do with boundaries.