Relationship Boyfriend Against Marriage And Children

[sthrngirl]

Hey everyone!

I've been with my guy for about 8 months now, things are good for the most part. I have learned what sets him off and avoid it etc. One thing that bothers me is that he says he doesn't want to marry or have children. I want both or those things. He isn't open about his emotions at all, so to me I just think he says it to avoid talking about it, which is fine I am in no rush for either of the two.

I only question his negative comments because what he says and his actions aren't the same.

He also hasn't said I love you to me.. I feel that he loves me though. I don't see why he wouldn't. He has mentioned that he has talked about me to others (as in complimenting me I assume is what he meant) but he said he wouldn't say certain things to me because he doesn't want to seem cheesy???

Anyone else experience this with their sufferer? Any advice? Thanks a bunch!

 

[Gryffy]

It's possible that he's just not interested in marriage/children. Many people who don't have PTSD don't necessarily want those things either.

But it's also possible that he's trying to prevent people from getting hurt? My ex didn't want kids either and I didn't understand why, but now I wonder if she feels that she wouldn't be able to be a good mother while she's struggling with PTSD. She wouldn't want to hurt (or potentially up and leave) them or me.


Unrelated: I see you there with your reference to Slytherin. ;)

 

[Julesnaz]

I wouldn't worry about him not saying I love you yet, especially if he is good to you and talks about you with others. He might just not be ready to say it, even though he might feel it. About the kids/marriage thing. From my experience, not wanting kids, I agree he might just never want either of those things. If that's really important to you, you may want to discuss with him about it or entertain the possibility that if you want to stay with him you may never have those things. I know that I don't want kids and it ruined my marriage. It was just something neither of us could get past.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Honestly I think 8 months may be a bit soon to talk about marriage or kids. I mean from your post it makes it sound like you want him to ask you to marry him ASAP, not just having that talk of where you see yourself in 5 years.

PTSD makes it hard to see a future. Having PTSD with children would be stressful. My husband and I chose to be 'child-free'; It's personal choice and not all to do with mental illness. Maybe there is more to his choices then just PTSD.

Take care.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Before PTSD I was with a man for 4 years. He was very up front at the beginning of our relationship about not wanting to get married again or have more children (he was married once and has two daughters). I spent a lot of time and energy trying to convince him that marriage and kids would be oh so much better with me than his ex-wife. Towards the end of our relationship I realized that my desire for marriage and kids was something that I shouldn't have to give up because it was very important to me. We ended that relationship on good terms and not too long after that I met the guy who is now my husband and father of my two sons. Marriage and kids sure aren't easy at times but I am glad I didn't give up on my desire to have them just to stay with that ex.

Maybe I could have talked my ex into the marriage and kids thing eventually. But would he end up resenting me and/or those children because I didn't respect his choice from the very beginning?

As a sufferer, I freely admit that being a wife and a mother is overwhelming, exhausting, and very difficult most of the time. I just do the best I can and make sure I stay on top of my 2x weekly therapy appointments, med checks, and AA meetings to make sure I get the help and support I need to exist without fully falling apart. Even then it's iffy sometimes. ;)

I'm going to stop talking now. This is just my experience. I wish you all the best in your relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If he says he doesn't want kids or marriage, take him at his word. Don't necessarily assume it's a PTSD thing or that it will change in the future, even if things get better. And even if it is a PTSD thing.... Well, that changes nothing. Kids are extremely stressful. They undoubtedly overflow those stress cups. Please don't pressure him into it. It wouldn't be fair to you or to him and most importantly, your begrudgingly half-wanted future kids.

 

[sthrngirl]

I don't want to talk about having kids or marriage, I have just picked up on things from his comments that concern me.

We have both been engaged and betrayed by our exes.. I definitely am not wanting marriage anytime soon. He just confuses me because he says one thing.. Yet acts a different way. For example, when we see a friends kid or a random kid he gets extremely excited as if he likes kids (yet he says he hates them all the time). It just doesn't add up to me. PTSD is fairly new to me, but he is worth it. I've seen major changes in him as far as his temper toward me and random things.

He can be very sweet and when I acknowledge that to him, he usually has a smart comment to say back, almost like he doesn't want me to see his vulnerable side. I feel that he is scared emotionally even though he is very confident in any other aspect of himself.

His best friend has told me that I am the first woman he has been serious with since he came back from overseas (which was back in 2010) and I know he's dated a bit since then. She's told me that I'm a great fit for him and she thinks I will be the woman to change him. Although I don't want nor am I trying to change him.

Thanks for all of the different views.. I guess time can only really tell these things!!!

 

[Julesnaz]

I'm a little like him. I don't want kids of my own and I don't really like most kids, but I do get excited around babies and smile at kids being cute. It's different when you don't have to take them home haha.

 

[sthrngirl]

I have to agree with that haha

 

[Echo]

Hi @sthrngirl - in any relationship it is wise to take people at their word. I have seen too many people wait too long in the hope that their partner's views on this will change only to find they have not, they are in very deep and they have lost very precious child-bearing years by the time they have extricated themselves, grieved and met someone else. Yes, 8 months is a bit early to force the issue but set yourself a reasonable deadline and then believe what he says and act on it. Don't give up your own dreams, and don't break the guy's heart either. He may be hoping you've given up on those wishes by staying with him. This really is a deal-breaker, PTSD or not.

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

@sthrngirl -- my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. When we first started dating he said he wanted to be married and have kids. He already has a son who lives across the country. As we progressed, through many break ups (due to the combat PTSD we didnt' know he had yet) he decided one day that he no longer wanted to have a child. He's alternated between telling me he loves me and wanted to marry me and making plans to move in with me to telling me that he just wants friends with benefits. I realize he sounds like an a-hole, but he has also said that there is a possibility that he doesn't feel like he wants a child because of the commitment that represents, and part of his PTSD is being resistant to close relationships and emotionally distant/detached at times.(check out some of my other posts to get a fuller story)

I have friends who have NEVER wanted to have children and have been vocal about it practically from birth. In my personal experience, I have not ever met anyone who arbitrarily changed their minds from wanting a child to not wanting a child. I have met people who have decided that they DID want a child when they finally met the right person. So I'd say, if you're friendly with his friend, see if she'll tell you how he felt about that before hand. Let her know that you're not rushing anything but (as so many above have said) if that's really something he NEVER wanted and it's something you do, then it's a deal breaker. If it's something he has wanted and right now it's too much of a concept for him to deal with, but there's a chance he'll come back around to how he felt before, then it's up to you whether or not you want to take that risk.