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Boyfriend and triggers - Tell me your experience, how you deal with it, what helps and what doesn't.

Sounds lovely but **squints** where do I find a safe and private such waterfall 😂😂😂
If you don’t live in a region full of them… or go on holiday in those areas… there’s something called ‘waterfall shower heads’. Not as fun as being waist deep in a pool with a waterfall to stand under, but still nice. 😎

***

When I’m living in a house I usually build either an outside bathing area in the back garden (warm climate), or snug little greenhouse (cold climates). In the city, though, it depends on the size of the loft I’m leasing & whether or not I can sweet talk the landlord in letting me plumb it. <<< I never set up my lofts the way normal people do. I prefer my bed in the central living area (along with my gymnastics mats, static trapeze, & other toys) turn the bedroom into bathroom & closet, and whatever little dark nook people, usually stick boxes in is where the curl up in the dark with a TV is.) Shrug. It ‘s backwards from what most people want, but it suits me.

If I ever get truly wealthy, or even halfway wealthy, I’d build myself a proper bathhouse. But that’s thousands to tens of thousands, depending on how elaborate, and major construction; whilst outside bathing areas or little greenhouses are only a few hundred, and easily struck down when time to move (although most of my landlords have wanted to keep them, and a few even knocked off a couple months rent).

For my own self, it’s usually centered around an Ofuro, but I’ve had waterfall showers a few times. (Ditto rain showers, saunas, and a few other things, at the request of whomever I was dating). Privacy is super easy, it’s just screens & plants. A load of smooth river rocks to keep the ground nice and cedar planks as steps through them. I also usually dig little irrigation ditches towards the gardens/away from the house, and fill with gravel, and sod over if I’m going to be somewhere longer than a few months. It’s a day long project, but it reduces water use, and makes for lovely yards.

The only time I haven’t done that (dual drainage/irrigation) is when the house I was renting had one of those little interior courtyards dead center in the house, open to the sky, that people usually either install a hot tub or Al fresco dining. The floor drain was already hooked into the city. I just blocked the view indoors with plants and screens, same as I do outdoors, and put my baths & shower in there. That’s one of the times I used a waterfall head.

^^^
Even though outside bathing areas are a fast/easy/inexpensive build? 2-3 days for less than a thousand? (But only a couple hours max to rip out, when moving, if the landlord doesn’t want it kept.)

If it’s not something you’d use all the time, a helluva lotta posh hotels have lovely in-room spa-type showers/baths… for the whole sexual adventuring thing.

One of my favorite common hotel designs is when they have a dual sided fireplace as the “wall” between the bedroom and bathroom. That’s always super fun. (The toilet is usually in a little cubby with a door, or blocked off from view by a half wall).

Although (come to think of it?) a wacky bathing area might help with avoiding bathroom triggers until you’ve decided to deliberately come at them? Even though these spaces are things I ADORE, I don’t alway live in a place I can build one. I nearly always do, but needs must.
 
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If you don’t live in a region full of them… or go on holiday in those areas… there’s something called ‘waterfall shower heads’. Not as fun as being waist deep in a pool with a waterfall to stand under, but still nice. 😎

***

When I’m living in a house I usually build either an outside bathing area in the back garden (warm climate), or snug little greenhouse (cold climates). In the city, though, it depends on the size of the loft I’m leasing & whether or not I can sweet talk the landlord in letting me plumb it. <<< I never set up my lofts the way normal people do. I prefer my bed in the central living area (along with my gymnastics mats, static trapeze, & other toys) turn the bedroom into bathroom & closet, and whatever little dark nook people, usually stick boxes in is where the curl up in the dark with a TV is.) Shrug. It ‘s backwards from what most people want, but it suits me.

If I ever get truly wealthy, or even halfway wealthy, I’d build myself a proper bathhouse. But that’s thousands to tens of thousands, depending on how elaborate, and major construction; whilst outside bathing areas or little greenhouses are only a few hundred, and easily struck down when time to move (although most of my landlords have wanted to keep them, and a few even knocked off a couple months rent).

For my own self, it’s usually centered around an Ofuro, but I’ve had waterfall showers a few times. (Ditto rain showers, saunas, and a few other things, at the request of whomever I was dating). Privacy is super easy, it’s just screens & plants. A load of smooth river rocks to keep the ground nice and cedar planks as steps through them. I also usually dig little irrigation ditches towards the gardens/away from the house, and fill with gravel, and sod over if I’m going to be somewhere longer than a few months. It’s a day long project, but it reduces water use, and makes for lovely yards.

The only time I haven’t done that (dual drainage/irrigation) is when the house I was renting had one of those little interior courtyards dead center in the house, open to the sky, that people usually either install a hot tub or Al fresco dining. The floor drain was already hooked into the city. I just blocked the view indoors with plants and screens, same as I do outdoors, and put my baths & shower in there. That’s one of the times I used a waterfall head.

^^^
Even though outside bathing areas are a fast/easy/inexpensive build? 2-3 days for less than a thousand? (But only a couple hours max to rip out, when moving, if the landlord doesn’t want it kept.)

If it’s not something you’d use all the time, a helluva lotta posh hotels have lovely in-room spa-type showers/baths… for the whole sexual adventuring thing.

One of my favorite common hotel designs is when they have a dual sided fireplace as the “wall” between the bedroom and bathroom. That’s always super fun. (The toilet is usually in a little cubby with a door, or blocked off from view by a half wall).

Although (come to think of it?) a wacky bathing area might help with avoiding bathroom triggers until you’ve decided to deliberately come at them? Even though these spaces are things I ADORE, I don’t alway live in a place I can build one. I nearly always do, but needs must.
Oh wow, I love all of this. Thank you for the ideas. I definitely get the tiny room in the dark to curl up and watch tv, that’s great in my mind. I’m amazed you’ve invested that much into rental properties, I supposed you lived in those houses long enough to make the most of it. But yeah, thanks, I appreciate the understanding and insight
 
I feel like this got weird? Not trying to be judgey I just don’t know what’s happening.
Maybe you didn’t follow the whole train, my fiancé and I have had lots of good communication and some of it had to do with my own triggers around bathrooms and sex, but anyways, all since on this thread has been methods and strategies to handle that going forward without missing on the fun and also improving things and lessening triggers. I get it’s not all that comfortable a topic for everyone, but hey that’s the internet for ya, plenty of other threads you can hop on if you don’t like this one.
 
Maybe you didn’t follow the whole train, my fiancé and I have had lots of good communication and some of it had to do with my own triggers around bathrooms and sex, but anyways, all since on this thread has been methods and strategies to handle that going forward without missing on the fun and also improving things and lessening triggers. I get it’s not all that comfortable a topic for everyone, but hey that’s the internet for ya, plenty of other threads you can hop on if you don’t like this one.
Nothing to dislike! I just don’t think I was following terminology. Thanks.
 
Things are going great in general. He and I still have the “traffic light system” in place even though I haven’t used it. We’ve had a few incidents that triggered me and I later like the next day explained that it triggered me and that it wasn’t his fault but that that’s something I have to deal with. Once such incident, I was tired of him touching me and I looked scared and he asked if I was okay and I said I thought I was just tired. The next day, I explained that I deal with things internally a lot and won’t necessarily be able to communicate in the moment what’s going on (because I don’t usually know until after I think about it a while) but I explained that when I’m tired I can disassociate and shut down and that that had happened and something that is usually fine (a specific touch may suddenly not be fine). Generally though he doesn’t trigger me very badly, I’m super compartmentalized. When I do get triggered it’s like a fleeting moment and I’m able to be like “no this is safe” but it’s not without the initial panic/flashback. Things like sitting in his lap don’t bother me anymore. So yeah always a work in progress. Oh another thing, we’re engaged now (he’s a holy christian virgin so no sex until after marriage) he was talking about shower sex and I explained that that was probably a no go for a good while. I explained that I was molested in March in a shower when I was 3, so no shower sex until I feel ready, please respect closed or locked bathroom door, and no getting married in March (because historically I’ve had a lot of flashbacks that have led to self harm spirals). So without being incredibly detailed and “bringing him down with me” I was able to inform him on some details, and also drop boundaries and explain the importance of following “my rules” because then I’ll feel safe and eventually invite him into “my space” like bathroom-wise. I’m down for something like shower sex in the future but it has to come from a place of power and me to feel ready and in control not just happen. He understood all that and respects all of that. So yeah things are going well, I still isolate a lot, I get lonely, but we’ve had some great communication.
I'm looking back at this and so happy and proud of how far we've come in a short amount of time. @Friday we had our wedding in April 2023, and our honeymoon was in a cabin in the mountains with a hot tub on the back porch *smirk* *wink*

At first, I always locked the bathroom door, even if I was just peeing. He already knew that even just walking outside the bathroom could trigger me, so he didn't, and didn't knock either, just stayed away. I think only one time I got triggered by that (a couple times he forgot). But then my normal-non-traumatized brain was like "You let this guy INSIDE you but you won't let him in the bathroom?" like it doesn't make sense. So I started to not lock the door, and after a while started leaving the door open, once I was leaving the door open, I was okay with him coming in, but at first, he would kinda linger in the doorway awkwardly because he didn't know if he was allowed to come in or not. Once he was coming in the bathroom with me, there were only a few times I got triggered. (Btw, these triggers result in a racing mind/low-level panic, rapid heart rate, not as bad as shaking/crying, etc). After I got comfortable with all that and not getting triggered anymore, he asked if I was ready to try to shower together, I was hesitant, but then I just laid down "rules", which were "Don't put soap on me, no sex, and lights dimmed" (this was to create the opposite environment that I was molested in). Guess what? Didn't get triggered at all. Over time this escalated to more showers together, fewer rules, and now it's no rules, and graduated to *spicy* showers.

I still have a hard time communicating during a trigger, especially around sex, like ugh. It's rarely been really bad, but my go-to is subtle avoidance and he doesn't do subtle, but he's learned to check in, like if I "look scared" I explained to him that I probably am (not of him but something in my head), and if there's a non-verbal like me pulling my head away when he kisses me or me pushing him away with my hands, it probably represents something unverbalized. I feel bad though, because I'm pretty sure he's on the autistic spectrum so nonverbals stress him out, but he does generally ask if he thinks something is up. I was using the traffic system earlier on, but now I pretty much try my best to verbalize and if I can't just see what will happen or nonverbal, because most of the time as I said before, it's not completely overwhelming, I'm able to run one part of my mind having a flashback and scared and the other part of my mind reminding myself that I'm in the present with someone I trust and it may seem the same but it isn't and after a few minutes I can ground myself. I should probably talk to him about this a little more because he isn't aware of it even though it happens frequently. He is aware of the times I've actually had to say no, and we had to work through it together by talking or if I couldn't talk, me writing, and him answering verbally. He's always been really good to me, respectful and loving.

But anyways, I'm really proud of the "wins" and sure it'll only get better with more time and working through stuff. Also, I'm going to be postpartum right during March, so I started teletherapy this week with a therapist that actually treats PTSD like actually (no more Christian bullshit therapists for me) so that should help me from losing my shit postpartum, as well as trauma anniversaries, and just the general ptsd.
 
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