Relationship Boyfriend Dropped Out Of Therapy

[caligirl03]

I left my boyfriend several months ago due to his escalating PTSD, the resulting emotional and verbal abuse, and his refusal to get any help for it. As soon as I left, he went straight to therapy. I too have been in therapy, and the idea was that we would work on ourselves for several months before checking in and seeing where we stand. I was under the impression that he was going weekly or at least bi-monthly; however, it turns out he only went consistently for a couple of months before stopping all together over a month ago.

He says that due to his schedule of 80+ hours/week along with knowing what works best for him, he feels he's gained all the tools necessary in order to make progress. To be fair, I have seen quite a few positive changes in him in regards to how he comports himself and has been to keep his cool much better.

When I explained to him that knowing he was consistently receiving support would help me feel more comfortable about coming back, he told me I have no right to dictate how he goes about healing. I realize everyone is different and heals in their own ways and at their own pace, and I really want to try to be open minded and appreciative of that.

But if I'm honest, a part of me wonders if he's just doing the bare minimum to "get me back." I also fear that he'll go right back to the way he was before if he's not consistently getting the support he needs. And I say that because it's exactly what happened the last time he briefly went into therapy before reverting back to old destructive patterns. I got my hopes up, went back to him, he dropped it, then eventually went back to his old ways. So I'm wondering whether anything will be different this time, or if I'm just signing up for another rollercoaster ride.

All this considered, am I out of my bounds to ask him to remain in therapy if we're ever to get back together, at least to periodically check in with himself and also for my own peace of mind?

 

[smyh]

This sounds like the pattern of an abusive relationship. In the end, he will only get help when he really wants it. You need to focus on what is best for you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. In my opinion, staying with him just keeps you in a toxic and potentially dangerous relationship

 

[EveHarrington]

No, you're not out of bounds to say that you won't date him unless he is in regular treatment.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

All this considered, am I out of my bounds to ask him to remain in therapy if we're ever to get back together, at least to periodically check in with himself and also for my own peace of mind?

Absolutly not and you are amazing to do the seperate therapy and check back thing after him being abusive. Im a sufferer and also wondering if he's doing 'bare min' to get you back.

Ive been in therapy every week for 7 yrs and dont have near all the tools i need or would need to carry a suggessful striving relationship.

I think, in my opinion, are completely right to question it and i personally wouldnt go back with him until he's held a marked number of weekly therapy sessions. Does he have to work so much or is he volunteering?

Id say, bare min, monthly therapy sessions but id make a number of sessions he has to do. Say, for example, 50 therapy sessions before re-evaluating and if he's one to say he went but didnt then say you need proof (receipt from copayment, even note from therapist), anything to give yourself piece of mind.

He's the one exibiting abusive behavior and being a trauma survior and having PTSD doesnt give us a 'right' to abuse or miss treat others!

 

[anthony]

But if I'm honest, a part of me wonders if he's just doing the bare minimum to "get me back."

He has a history of this for you to now use, I would find it reasonable that that history comprises a likely outcome to occur once again. PTSD is not healed so quickly, and when there is a history of this, I think you cannot discard it. To be honest, my answer was going to be similar to what has happened, in that it is more likely he is doing the bare minimum to get you back, then fall back into his old ways. That is fairly standard PTSD behaviour with relationships. Shit, even I've done that. I didn't know I was doing it, I did want to change, but PTSD still won and I reverted into comfortable behaviours which were not acceptable to my spouse at the time.

When I explained to him that knowing he was consistently receiving support would help me feel more comfortable about coming back, he told me I have no right to dictate how he goes about healing.

It is not unreasonable if there is a clear and present difference and you fully believe he needs continuing support. To have that in place for himself in order for you to feel more comfortable that he wasn't going to revert again, not unreasonable at all in my opinion.

 

[Fadeaway]

On one hand I want to agree with him, that you have no right to dictate his healing but... you do have the right to say you are not going back to him if he isn't getting help.

Having read your previous threads, if he isn't going above and beyond what you requested him to do, then he doesn't have a true desire to change.

 

[caligirl03]

Thank you for your input, everyone. I was proud of myself in that I laid down the law with him last night and said that while I'm not here to hover or micromanage him, I DO expect him to be in some form of support or another...possibly forever...if he ever hopes to be with me.

In his defense, he truly IS working over 80 hours/week as he's currently in the fire academy on his probationary year. He scheduled an appointment with his T on April 9th, but the T called in sick that day, and he hasn't been able to find a time to reschedule since then. His T also apparently told him that he didn't need to come in every week (?!) and that since he's mostly stable, he should leave consider leaving appointments open for those who are highly symptomatic and/or expressing suicidal ideations. He told me he'd much rather give his slot to one of his own who he knows could use it far more than he (noble yet convenient?) It's strange to me that they would say this. However, he's currently living in a TINY town in middle America where VA resources are scarce at best. In fact, he had to travel over 2 hours one way simply to see a neuropsychologist who wanted to run more brain tests on him, and consequently, has yet to get back to him with any follow up findings, etc. (oh VA).

Anyway, all that to say that I HAVE seen him trying, and I also can't deny that I've also seen marked progress. My fear is that due to valid reasons (insane schedule, minimal resources, etc.) those will be the perfect "excuses" for him to drop off once again. Does anyone know of any resources or activities/exercises one can do in the meantime while awaiting appointments and treatment?

 

[caligirl03]

I would like to add that I can't say for sure whether it's that he has no real desire to change so much as he honestly believes he HAS changed, at least according to him. He is very much about getting things done quickly (military) when told, before it's "ok, onto the next order of business." However, from everything I've researched about PTSD, healing isn't so much about "quickly checking the boxes" so much as it's a lifelong journey.

 

[anthony]

those will be the perfect "excuses" for him to drop off once again

The simple truth is that IF you DO NOT allow his excuses to dictate your decisions, then he will quickly know he can't just slack off with therapy or the way he is with you. If you tolerate, he will abuse tolerance, if you do not tolerate, then he has to take action for himself IF he wants to be with you.

Relationships are a work in progress. To be perfectly honest, what he should be doing is self help skills, and better again, you do them together. That way you both grow and become better communicators, have a better relationship, as it is never just one person in a relationship, but everything takes both parties to adapt.

For him, even both, it would be assertiveness: Dead Link Removed

He needs to learn not to passive aggressively manipulate you, himself, passive, aggressive, or alternate, his behaviour. But instead get himself to an optimal communication level.

PTSD relationship: http://amzn.to/1SExZua

Whilst these books are aimed at the supporter, they actually benefit both parties, as they give much insight to the sufferer of the shit they cause their spouse, and when a person loves their spouse and want to understand, this is like the ultimate smack in the face for them whilst helping you both grow positively in your relationship.

Again... both read, discuss it together. Read it together in bed at night for an hour.

If he needs to understand his behaviour: Dead Link Removed

Whilst aimed at depression and anxiety, it flows through to the very core root of PTSD and associated behaviours that occur due to PTSD. One of the best books any PTSD sufferer can read and work through.

Then you have therapy self help books... CBT would be the main focus for him as self improvement exercises.

 

[caligirl03]

Thank you so much for all the valuable info, Anthony.

I just received "When Someone You Love Suffers..." a few days ago and haven't been able to put it down! I highly recommend to anyone, suffers and supporters alike and may pass it along to him once I'm finished with it.

Although I realize everyone is different, how many therapy sessions in what span of time would be considered reasonable to expect, i.e. once a week, twice per month? Any specifics so I know where to set the bar are greatly appreciated!

 

[anthony]

how many therapy sessions in what span of time would be considered reasonable to expect

Severe, 2 sessions per week. Average PTSD ongoing problems, 1 session per week/fortnight. Mild symptoms, 1 per month. Low level / have a great self control over when symptomatic to regulate and regain control ASAP, not required.

 

[Abstract]

You have experienced emotional and psychological abuse from him and setting out what you need him to do in order to be willing to be involved with him again isn't about dictating to him how he goes about healing. It is rather setting out what you need in order for this relationship to be possible for you. That's what assertiveness is all about. It's about taking responsibility for ourselves and leaving the rest up to others. We can't control what others will do but we can control what we are prepared to accept. In my opinion you are absolutely doing the right thing.

The first step in therapy is understanding the condition and learning basic skills to deal with it. It takes a lot of practice to really start having them work for us. The second step required for true healing is processing the trauma. From what you say it sounds like he has barely touched the very surface of any of this.

They sound under resourced and are therefore doing the bare basics for their clients which unfortunately will confirm to him that he doesn't need further help. Some people appear to be much healthier than they are too.

Working that many hours with PTSD is far from ideal on its own. And he may well be doing better. But he has a long way to go to truly heal although I doubt he realises that yet.

Maybe minimum twice a month while he is so stretched (as long as it's only going to be for a month or so), followed by minimum once weekly thereafter?