Relationship Boyfriend in isolation... I had a severe breakdown last night...

[Moonchild 72]

Hi, guys.
Supporters: Have you had breakdowns whenever your S.O. is in isolation? If so, what do you do and how do you deal with it? This is the longest he's been in isolation since we started our relationship a year ago, and I'm unsure of what I can do to help him and myself.

I can completely sympathize with what you are going through. I am also a supporter and today marks 4 weeks since I last heard from my boyfriend. The longest he had ever isolated before this was for a 2 week period last January with a few shorter ones sprinkled in. He's always come back, but it doesn't make it any less worrysome. His PTSD is untreaded so I do believe his symptoms have slowly begun to grow worse with much stress leading up to this one. To answer your question though, yes I've had MANY breakdowns. I myself struggle with GAD and OCD so my anxiety and obsessive thinking get the best of me! This "episode" has me waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and about every other day I have myself a good meltdown and ugly cry uncontrollably for about 30 min or so also. I feel it's very theraputic and self soothing to let it out! I've gone to see a therapist a couple of times but I'm not sure if I'm getting much out of it and doesn't feel like she knows where I'm coming from treating this as if it were a "typical" relationship (she specializes in anxiety and doesn't have much experience with Trauma so I'm searching for one that does now) Coming here has really helped me understand that it isn't our fault and we cannot help them. Being empathetic and a nurturer by nature I've always tried to help and fix people. (yeah that's never really worked out...) I wish I had some magical advice to offer. It's tough but you have to force yourself to take care of yourself and and do things you like to do, keep yourself distracted and busy. What was your life like before him? I was very independent before this relationship and sowehow I managed to get a little co-dependant with this one, so I've been making plans with friends, plans to travel next year, calling and meeting up with friends, I take a boxing class 2x a week (this is really theraputic!!!) anything to keep busy and distract distract distract. I wish I could say it gets easier but 4 weeks in for me, I'll have a day here or there that I feel at peace with it and then another damn ugly cry comes along. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, feel free to reach out anytime, I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Friday]

Sufferers: What is it like to be in isolation? I know everyone's different, but all the answers will help me regardless.

Very much like having the flu. And people showing up with food, or sending text messages about food. Or wanting me to go out to a party (or have a serious conversation, or kiss, or any other have you lost your f*cking mind??? Kind of activity) whilst I’m throwing up,

Also, when you receive messages like "I'm here for you. I'm on your side. I'm in your corner. I'm with you. I support you. I love you." during your isolation, does it help even a tiny bit or does it do the opposite?

Sometimes I love it, and it helps tons.

Sometimes I hate it, and I either throw my phone at a wall, or shut it off and stick it in a drawer.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Very much like having the flu.

Yes! The flu analogy helped me understand better.

Imagine you have the flu, you’re just barfing red white and blue... and somebody keeps knocking on the door. “Are you OK? I’m bringing you some food.” You just cannot handle the food right now. Food is great most of the time. You may have thoroughly enjoyed that dish yesterday, and came back for seconds and thirds, and you may very well want some more when you’re feeling better... but now you cannot handle the thought, sight, smell, or idea of food. They mean well, but you cannot get up and answer the door just to make sure you’re not hurting their feelings. You’re too busy projectile vomiting and trying not to fall in the commode head first.

Then there is more knocking... “Here’s some more food. You need food, it’s good for you. I’m bringing it so you can feel better.” You’re still puking.

Knocking 3-4 times a day. The person on the other side of the door says they understand you’re sick as a dog, but they still keep bringing food. Then they’re having a meltdown because you don’t want their food anymore when you loved it yesterday.

Get the parallel?

 

[LuckiLee]

J and I live together so he technically doesn't isolate. When he is symptomatic? I give whatever space he needs. Alot of the time I won't speak to him until he starts communicating again. If he's in a bad place and I blather on about work, groceries, the car (anything) it just adds more stress. What I've learned here is that people don't isolate because they want to. They do it because they NEED to. EVERYTHING is just too much for them during this period. Is your guy in therapy?

 

[Freida]

What I've learned here is that people don't isolate because they want to. They do it because they NEED to. EVERYTHING is just too much for them during this period. Is your guy in therapy?

yes!!! this!!!! :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What is it like to be in isolation?

Franitc. Boring. Disocciative. Gone. Black hole. Hours wasted laying on a cold dark bathroom floor. All of the above?

Also, when you receive messages like "I'm here for you. I'm on your side. I'm in your corner. I'm with you. I support you. I love you." during your isolation, does it help even a tiny bit or does it do the opposite?

Total opposite. It adds stress which makes me run further away with all my might. Isolation = saftey. Whatever safe looks like at that time. Unsafe = fleeing to saftey.

 

[HopefulD]

I think your response is much like alot of supporters. We think rationally minus the anxiety which I too suffer from. Your guy is not thinking rationally and we can't fix it. The waiting game and being shut out makes us worry and our thoughts turn negative blaming ourselves etc It's like a grieving process/period and it sucks. I hope it helps you to know we all wade through this sucky part. And yes keeping busy helps me, the gym with hard cardio helps me. Taking care of myself diet exercise sleep. Because if you don't you end up further in a depressive mode. It's very hard and I'm still going through it as well. Just occasionally sending an email to remind him the door is always open no pressure no questions. No guilt trip. It's really all I can do. Being supportive instead of angry. Being kind and empathetic and compassionate allows my own soul to be strong and my conscience clear. Hang in there. You are not alone.

 

[Ad4708]

The first time mine isolated I was upset because I was confused. I thought he was dead in a ditch or was through with the relationship... I had 200 different thoughts.

Then I learned... It has zero to do with me. He needs to space to feel better. I give him the space he needs without getting upset or taking it personally. I consider it a loving act. It truely, honestly doesn’t bother me at all now. It’s a recognized pattern of behavior. He respects my boundaries about it, and I respect his.

It sounds like you’re having a hard time getting to that point. That’s OK, it’s a learning curve. You can think you’re fine with isolation/giving space in theory, but you may not really be to that point yet. Especially if you’re stressing yourself out about unreturned texts and read receipts and having emotional breakdowns. Texting 3 times a day is still a lot, especially if he’s not responding and it’s upsetting you. I’d almost say it’s more beneficial for YOU to text him less if he’s not responding.

Holidays suck when your partner has PTSD. Last year you guys were fresh into the honeymoon phase and it may not have hit him so hard, but a lot of us kinda “lose” our partners this time of year. With a lot of combat vets it seems to start around Veterans Day and last till after New Years. It’s not a hard and fast thing, but it seems pretty typical.

Oh wow , I’m currently going through this for the first time and I’m panicking. My boyfriend has been ignoring me and I got upset because it’s the holiday seasons and he didn’t wish me a merry Christmas so you saying that they typically go through this while the holidays makes me feel better

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh yeah... holidays suck.

 

[Jrabbit]

I wanted to reach out to you regarding your breakdown. I can completely sympathize with you as I’ve had my far share of those moments. I wanted to share a little of my experience, which may help you...

I would consider myself a pretty level headed person, though I have my anxious moments from time to time. My anxiety started getting worse the past couple of years, so I started seeing a therapist. The therapist was also helping me deal with my combat vet bf. Anyways, she recommended a book for me to read called ‘Attached’. It blew me away! It is about realationships in general (not centered around ptsd). But basically, my boyfriend would be considered a stable (attachment style) but with his ptsd he has become an avoidant and I am an anxious attachment style. Here’s the kicker his avoidance increases my anxiety. So if he isn’t giving me the reassurance I need, doesnt respond to a text fast enough, or is dealing with his own issues, it builds and builds until that anxiety overwhelms and it’s meltdown city.

I spent so much time spinning myself out thinking about him and what I should shouldn’t do. Blaming myself, apologizing, stuffing my feeling because I was afraid of losing him. It took some time to realize I matter too and I need to take control of the anxiety. Therapy was a big help!! After I read the book, one night when my bf and I were hanging out, I explained it to him. I explained that at times when he is avoiding or isolating, it triggers my anxiety. And surprise, surprise he completely understood. He’s way more gracious and understanding of my meltdowns, which have decreased. With him being more aware of what’s triggering me, I can be in a much better frame of mind to deal when he is struggling, because his triggers are not as easy to pinpoint. I am also really upfront with him when I feel my anxiety kicking in. But, I am also continuing to work on me and constantly telling myself to not take on his ptsd as my own. Work in progress. But what also helped was getting to the point where I could talk to my boyfriend without being afraid of losing him and figuring out a system that works for both of us.

So my advice: read ‘Attached’. You can download it on amazon. Discover what in your relationship is triggering your anxiety and work on you. Bc controlling your anxiety and how you react to his isolation will benefit the both of you. And lastly, when your boyfriend is in a good frame of mind, talk to him. You might be surprised how receptive and understanding he might be.