Boyfriend Says I Should Just Forget Previous Bad Experiences

[unfreezing]

My boyfriend one 1 and half years keeps telling me to not talk about previous traumatic experiences and to just move on.
Meanwhile, he causes more trauma himself inadvertently.

He's gotten really mad at me twice because i wasnt being positive enough. The first time he packed up all his stuff and left me for 2 weeks. Then we got together and he read me a laundry list of complaints about me.

We ended up seeing each other again, but I have to pretend to be positive. Most of the time I feel like crying or even just talking about my life

The second time he packed up and I convinced him to stay.

He's done a couple if things to cause more trauma. When he left I was devastated. No explanation or apologies when he returned. So I assume he still thinks I'm awful, but I'm not sure. He also is not very physical unless I initiate something so I feel undesired. After being sexually berated and abused, this isn't sitting well with me.

His sister told me this weekend he was a abused by a former girlfriend. I know her and she is mean. My boyfriend hss never mentioned her.


I feel like I'll never be normal, I'm not like other people, and I'm just attracting more trauma.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am sorry that your boyfriend doesn't get it, but he doesn't sound healthy for you.

If we could just forget what has happened to us we would. Who here wouldn't just love to make it all go away. If we had that ability, we wouldn't have PTSD. Holding everything in and putting on an act makes everything worse. There is only so long you can pretend like everything is ok. I know there are times that I need to talk about what happened to me, I feel like I am going to suffocate if I don't get it out.

Have you considered asking him to go to a therapy session with you and ask a therapist to help explain to him the kind of support you need? It sounds like he may have some issues of his own that need to be dealt with.

 

[1moreday]

For me, ,the lure of the familiar was very strong...meaning an attraction to the very type that hurt me. I can see in hindsight the pattern you described throughout my own relationships. I know at times I would turn to perhaps a person not capable or comfortable knowing details of my disorder to have them used against me later, like in an argument. Once I found help with a T , I have learned to rely on safe people, a strong support system, it took time to learn how and who to discuss my disorder in a general way...but has been critical for me on days of 'paralyzing symptoms. Self care has been a long lesson for me to learn, too. Today, I woke up as though I was back at square one and it scared me.
Too cry loudly, call supporters, eat healthy, groom a bit and too rest for a day? Yes.

 

[Candleflames]

It sounds like you boyfriend has his own issues he needs to work out and his issues don't mesh with your issues.

I'm sorry he was a victim of abuse but it does him nor you any good for him to take that hurt out on you. That you say he came back with a list of what is wrong with you raises some serious red flags that he may be transitioning from abused to abuser. That's how it started with my husband.

I'm with @Fadeaway that some therapy is needed. You can take him to a session with you (give your T a heads up) or you can try a few sessions of couples therapy. A couples therapist might be able to help him see that he needs some help of his own.

Please be careful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What kind of arse makes a list of things they hate about someone and then actually reads it to the person!?!?! That is a HORRIBLE thing to do! Make your own list. Number one....he makes laundry lists of complaints about his girlfriend. [End of List] So not cool.

Ask yourself why you are with him? Do you have a therapist to talk to? It is important that we don't just dump everything on those we care about.

 

[Firefly44]

Unfreezing, I am sorry you're struggling through such a tough situation. It must be incredibly confusing to feel two things pulling at you: protecting yourself and helping someone you love. As tough as it is to hear, protecting yourself should be your first priority. This is not selfish. Nor is it giving up on your love. Only when you feel safe can you have the energy and presence of mind to help him.

Can you protect yourself while helping your boyfriend? I don't know. It will be a challenge.

Protecting yourself
I think in a previous post you mentioned that you were seeing a therapist. Where are you in your journey with your own PTSD? Do you know what your triggers are? Can you talk yourself after being triggered? Do you feel comfortable asking for help and setting boundaries? Being able to do these things are important before you can move on to helping him.

Helping him
Your boyfriend sounds like he is dealing with challenges. His leaving (pushing you away), shouting and screaming, and telling you to just get over it (likely what he's trying to convince himself to do, unsuccessfully) sounds a lot like PTSD (of course I can't diagnose that). That last part is the most worrisome. We cannot help someone who doesn't think they need help or believes that they cannot be helped. He needs to acknowledge that he has issues before he can let you help him. Acknowledging these problems to him may seem like an admission of weakness to him or maybe like a life sentence. But acknowledgement is the first step to understanding and understanding is the only way to change and heal.

 

[Springer80]

This guy seems pretty myopic. Why do you have to put up with feeling smaller and smaller in order to keep his opinion of you in some tight margin of acceptability? Lets face it, as soon as you need to allow yourself real feelings, his real feelings about not accepting your condition will rear their ugly head again. It just sounds like a downward spiral waiting to happen.

I have been in this situation, I learned the hard way like most people do. It was absolutely tore me up and sometimes that's the only way out of it.

I'm with Solara, I'd write a list of why and how he makes you feel bad: undesired; restricted; unworthy;, inferior and once you have just consider it on your own. Showing it to him is pointless.

Being alone is harder from where you're looking at it now but it might be easier once you got there? I wonder if I'm hearing this from you, but I think you probably need physical contact to escape the discomfort of your body? That just makes you susceptible to being held to ransom for affection.

When my brother split up from someone a while back and was gutted I said to him 'Well the relationship didn't survive but if the quality of your exes get slowly better at least you know you're going in the right direction!'

Good luck. Take care of number one first.

 

[unfreezing]

I came home tonight and he was really mad. He packed up all his stuff again and left. He was mad because I was still feeling upset about something that happened this morning. It had triggered me and I said so, told him why and then what happened before that made it a trigger.

He explained to me that he didn't mean it that way.

When I got home and was still feeling it he got really mad and said I just don't hear him and I should be go e now. He started yelling and threw stuff. I hit my head over and over.

I'm just not going to be able to have a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say let him go. He repeatedly moves out....this time over an argument? Normal relationships have arguments, disagreements and fights. Why is it so unreasonable to still be mad at the end of the day? I don't think that you are the problem, rather I think he is a bigger problem. He runs away every time you guys have a fight? He throws stuff around?

You can do SO much better. This guy isn't right for you. Don't blame yourself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

He sounds like a dominating ass to me. You deserve better than that. And on a more practical level, how are you going to heal if you have someone like that around?

The only way I could see even a glimmer of hope for change would be if BOTH of you had individual therapy for your issues.

 

[Seasounds]

Even though you are invested in him, he seems to exacerbate your PTSD. You might consider taking a break or waiting for a different relationship, where you are not triggered so much.

It seems as if his 'inner plate' is loaded; it isn't you. He may have years of work to do, before he can approach a relationship with your emotional awareness.

I hate growing out of a relationship. Yet, it is a good thing. There is integrity in leaving an abusive situation. You can find healthier love, on the other side.
.

 

[shimmerz]

When we forget and just try to be 'normal' is when we are really sick. It is when we start to tell our truths and acknowledge them imho is when we start to heal.

Acceptance of who I am is part and parcel of the decisions I make as to who to let hang in my space or not. That was a hard lesson. It hurt. I am completely committed to healing - and although he is not the one who can hear your truth, someone out there will be able to. Try to seek them out.....they are your saviours who will help you learn how to validate yourself. I wish you all the best.