Boyfriend Says I Should Just Forget Previous Bad Experiences

[jmni]

Leaving for two weeks is weird. If you're in a relationship you can't just walk out the door and then walk back in whenever you want. But also where is he going and doing? It indicates that he could be cheating on you and one day he will leave and not come back. You do not need this kind of treatment. I agree that it is traumatic and its creating a really bad imprint of a relationship.

He is crazy and its crazy-making. I do not think that you are ready for a relationship either but, with a little work that would be possible. Most of the blame is on him because he is acting like he's entitled to do unacceptable things. It's as though you are playing house and doing it all
wrong.

Actually I a weird way I am jealous of you because I wish I could look at some of my exes in contempt and tell them how much I hate them. I highly encourage you to take this opportunity to insult him. It would not heal any trauma that he has caused you, but it would allow you to release some contempt before he's gone for good. I think you should get the remainder of all of his things and put it out on the curb. I would love to record myself telling someone that I am sick of them and that I have no interest in their stupid antics. And if he insults you I would just tell him that you don't care what he thinks of you personally at all because it's over and his opinion is insignficant. I would even change the locks if I were you. This is an opportunity for you to be empowered and make your own rules.

 

[jmni]

As for the other issues you wrote about. Maybe he deals with his problems in his own way but he does not act like he is running on all cylinders. You have needs to and he is not willing to meet them. There is probably some other need you are filling subconsciously by staying together, like a desire to not be alone or just to create drama (which is what many people do automatically if they are use to it). But that's an oversimplification and it could be anything, not necessarily my interpretation. He is not willing to give, and he is very selfish and puts his needs very high. You are being neglected.

You know most people are not ready for relationships. People don't read books about it and do not prepare. This person does not sound like they are worth even caring about. You need someone who will be open to talk to you, who can have a conversation with you, and be supportive.

 

[Fadeaway]

I'm just not going to be able to have a relationship.

No, you just aren't going to be able to have a relationship with someone who is not supportive. There are guys out there who will be loving and understanding. Not easy to find but they are out there.

I made a list detailing what I needed in a partner to have a relationship that would be right for me. Some things on the list were; had to understand that some days I just can't keep the house clean, had to understand that I had been through a lot and would never hold my past against me, can not have a temper, must have a lot of patience, able to be empathetic. It was a long list and I used to call it my impossible list, but I refused to compromise on any of those things. I found what I was looking for, and I am so glad I didn't compromise. I suggest you else do the same.

 

[shimmerz]

Really great idea @Fadeaway ! Best to know what you want rather than leave that to the other party. Never seems to work out well that well! I learned that once I had determined that I was attracting people who were toxic things in my life shifted radically. Best of luck to you.

 

[unfreezing]

Thank you all for your replies. I feel so much less alone. I've bent over backwards trying to please this guy. He acts like he's happy all the time. Then I say one thing, and BOOM, out comes the rage. He says its just the last straw each time. I somehow get to the last straw and I don't even know I was pissing him off along the way.


I tried to prepare for a relationship with therapy, books, and it was time to put it out there. I guess I'm glad I tried even if it got thrown back in my face.

I'm devastated.

 

[shimmerz]

@unfreezing Can you see it as a lesson in what you don't want? A lesson? A step in being able to see that it was simply a test to see what you have learned what you are no longer prepared to take from a relationship? I am so sorry that you feel so devastated but may I ask, do you feel that you failed?

 

[StarChild]

No, you just aren't going to be able to have a relationship with someone who is not supportive. There are guys out there who will be loving and understanding. Not easy to find but they are out there.

Amen to that! :singing: Dear @unfreezing, I understand that you're devastated. But the only healthy thing you can do for yourself right now is to ditch this unpredictable, dangerous guy! Or with every day that you're still together, he will destroy more of you, more of your personality, more of your strength, that you'll need for your own healing! For your own sake, turn your back on him, and start to turn back to yourself.

You're not alone. We're here with you, by your side, to listen and help you as good as wee can. Keep a little faith in you - Because I really do...:tup:

 

[jmni]

I've bent over backwards trying to please this guy. He acts like he's happy all the time. Then I say one thing, and BOOM, out comes the rage. He says its just the last straw each time. I somehow get to the last straw and I don't even know I was pissing him off along the way.

Then it sounds like he is transferring his frustration about other things on to you. This is about him and not about you. He is choosing to mask his problems and bury them because he cannot handle his issues, but he cannot even control his anger and you are baring the brunt and paying the price.

For one thing, if it failed it failed. Relationships fail all the time. You do not have to feel to blame or as though you are romantically doomed. There is probably a lot to be learned from this but you will need some time and space to figure it out. Don't beat yourself up.

It does seem like you might have a problem with people-pleasing and I get the impression you do not have a last straw and you really should be able to get fed up and just quit sometimes, but both of those things can be worked on. But more than that, it does not sound as though you are in love with him. It sounds like you are just putting up with him. So I think you should ask yourself if you were ever really in love with him, and if you still are or are not.

 

[Springer80]

If you think about it....all this storming off and coming back means it's actually you who has the upper-hand. He needs someone to lean on to the point of squashing them and then crawls back in reality but in order to save face he does the big man act and blames you for the 'not being able to keep him'.

Its absolute bullshit and it pervades a lot of our cultural icons. The man is dragged down the aisle, he has a last fling before he's tied down and sacrifices himself for the sake of the woman. My mother lived out a marriage to a horrible and dangerous man for longer than was healthy or safe (he drugged and raped her) because divorce was the woman's fault, her fault, if she couldn't make the marriage work. It's toxic thinking and it eroded her slowly. After the divorce, because society said children need their fathers and women who prevented contact were cold bitter control freaks, she sent her kids to this lunatic.

It's BULLSHIT.

A relationship, ANY relationship does not provide you with social success and normalcy. I understand attachment issues, that you may need to have contact/love/approval/nurturing because you've never had it. You might feel like a freak because of it's absence and how it's coloured your friendships and social self esteem. It's tough, you feel you have to try harder and harder and harder in order to attain this thing that will free you.

It must be exhausting being with this guy. Never being good enough, never receiving the love you need no matter how much you repress the parts he doesn't want. It may be lonely comparatively if he goes, but it will be a damn sight less of a strain on you.

I would talk to a therapist about this relationship, what your trying to fix or avoid with it.

And change the locks. Get rid of everything of his, dump it on the street if you must.

You are worth something. You might not be able to feel it or see it or believe it right now, but give it a chance to be found.

 

[shimmerz]

no matter how much you repress the parts he doesn't want

It is my experience that no matter how much you repress or change they will never be happy therefore their partner must never be happy. It makes them happy to see their partner unhappy - if that makes sense.

I used to say 'how do you make sense out of nonsense'. When it starts to feel like you can't figure it out then my guess is that it is crazy making. That is a dangerous game to be in.

 

[heidi]

Relationships can be hard and it seems like the people who have good ones are helped by it and the people who have bad ones aren't.

I related to what you said about having to be positive all the time. I've felt that way too. As if positive emotions are the only welcomed or accepted emotion and it sucks. It makes you feel like you have to hide everything that's not good and then how can you connect with a person when you have to keep so much to yourself. It's so frustrating.

But it does sound like this guy just isn't mature enough and I can't exactly see from your post what you did wrong.

Also the dramatic packing up and leaving.. screw that. For a person who has PTSD that is so not being respectful of not causing unnecessary drama. That type of dynamic or even just someone who is going to be that emotional and dramatic possibly causing your state of mind to be worse and then complaining when you're not doing well.