Relationship Boyfriend struggling?? — How can I help?

[Jay02]

Hi, everyone.

So, I just realized how bad my boyfriend is struggling. This past week, he was drinking excessively to a point where he snapped at his roommate. Needless to say, the roommate kept prying and digging but anyway...

His bro said that my boyfriend’s an alcoholic, suicidal, and depressed. My heart ached. I didn’t realize how bad it was.

I did talk to my boyfriend and told him to stop drinking or at least try to and how I’m here, that he isn’t alone, and that he’s always going to have me by his side. He did seem to listen because today, he didn’t have a drink which is a plus since he’s been drinking everyday for the past week or so.

I also asked him if I could help him find healthier alternatives to cope and he said that was okay. He said he wants to marry me and I told him that I do too, but that we will get through this together which he completely agreed with.

He said “it’s just a rough patch right now.” And I know a lot of memories are being dug up since he’s trying to increase his percentage, but my question is...

How can I help him? I know I will never understand what he’s going through, but I want to do my absolute best to help him in any way I can. He’s worth it and our relationship is worth it.

I told him that we’re going to live an amazing life together and that seemed to make him smile.

(Also, I have been leaving him little love notes around his room so he can see them when I’m not with him.)

Any and all answered will be more than welcomed!

 

[Sweetpea76]

How can I help him? I know I will never understand what he’s going through, but I want to do my absolute best to help him in any way I can. He’s worth it and our relationship is worth it.

Get out of the mindset of fixing or helping. You cannot fix or help him get better. Even if you talk him out of drinking for you, or convince him to go to therapy for the relationship, it’s not going to “stick” unless he is motivated to do the work on himself for himself.

We’re supporters, not fixers. We cannot do the work for them. It’d be a lot freakin’ easier if we could!

 

[Jay02]

Get out of the mindset of fixing or helping. You cannot fix or help him get better. Even if you talk him out of drinking for you, or convince him to go to therapy for the relationship, it’s not going to “stick” unless he is motivated to do the work on himself for himself.

We’re supporters, not fixers. We cannot do the work for them. It’d be a lot freakin’ easier if we could!

You’re right. I’ll just support him and encourage him the best I can. Thank you.

 

[Justmehere]

With my loved ones with unmanaged PTSD and alcoholism, I try to remember, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."

Because you can't. @Sweetpea76 is spot on. He is the ONLY one who can change things for himself.

His bro said that my boyfriend’s an alcoholic, suicidal, and depressed.

It's good he is saying something to someone about struggling with these things. He is willing to pursue treatment or a recovery group? (SMART Recovery and AA are just two of many options and they are used to getting sufferers of PTSD in their doors quite often.) I'd also suggest that his roommate and you might both benefit from keeping crisis services numbers and crisis text lines close at hand. If either of you run into situations of being concerned for his safety, you can call or text them and they will be able to help evaluate and give you suggestions on what to do next.

 

[Jay02]

With my loved ones with unmanaged PTSD and alcoholism, I try to remember, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."

Because you can't. @Sweetpea76 is spot on. He is the ONLY one who can change things for himself.

It's good he is saying something to someone about struggling with these things. He is willing to pursue treatment or a recovery group? (SMART Recovery and AA are just two of many options and they are used to getting sufferers of PTSD in their doors quite often.) I'd also suggest that his roommate and you might both benefit from keeping crisis services numbers and crisis text lines close at hand. If either of you run into situations of being concerned for his safety, you can call or text them and they will be able to help evaluate and give you suggestions on what to do next.

Well, I’m not sure if my boyfriend mentioned that he’s struggling to his brother though. It’s all assumptions, but my boyfriend does seem like he wants to get better and get the help he needs.