General Boyfriend's Struggle With Combat Trauma

[CCurry]

Hi Everyone,

I really thought over the last few days that he was starting to get a little bit better. He had been to his doctor who had done a cognitive therapy session and his doctor felt he was not having a relapse but just a little speed bump. Now I wish I was in the room with him so that I know for sure he was totally being upfront about what was happening.

Here's a little recap, a Retired Colonel with the US and Canadian Special Forces (25 years)...he's been taking really long walks to ground himself but last Monday evening he was gone for over 9 hours and he wouldn't answer his phone. By the time he did make contact (after midnight) he was not acting like himself, i.e. talking about dead bodies over the streets, looking for the next check point, etc. His doctor told him to stop walking and talking to his dead buddies but instead meditate while walking. That session he had with his doctor really did help him BUT a few days later he's back to crying like a baby. When I finally got it out of him as to what was going on he said he was just very sad about the friends he lost (in the Pentagon on 9/11.

Here's where I really need help....I feel SO alone. He's been working long hours and this weekend he spent the day out of town negotiating a new work contract (very lucrative so you'd think he'd be at the top of his game). By the time he got in Saturday night, this is yet another weekend that I feel abandoned and starved for his attention.

I REALLY am trying not to make this about myself but I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He got mad at me for asking God for some help to get me through this AND for telling him to stop crying, that it was enough-he thought I was making it about myself instead of just holding him while he was crying. Maybe he's right but THIS IS HARD FOR ME TOO!!!

I wish there was a course I could take to help me cope with this because if there was I'd sign up for it.

Carmela

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Carmela

I would like to say that even in a room full of people you can feel lonely. Perhaps it is more like being shut out as while your man is still around he obviously is not emotionally present.

There is unfortunately no course but you could invest your time reading all the posts here as there is a lot you can learn from them.

It is typical for PTSD Sufferers to push loved ones away as dealing with someone close can be taxing on them when unwell. I could write a lot but I think it would be good for you to start by reading the sticky posts at the top of this section and then the Carers information sections.

You are strong enough for this if both you and your man want the relationship. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[CCurry]

Hi Nicolette,

Thanks for the post and you're right about feeling alone versus shutting me out.

I have been reading a lot about PTSD and it has helped but I still find this incredibly hard, so much so I wish I could go to a weekly support group but it does help me ( a little bit) to come to this forum.

Sometimes, I just want to scream to get it out but I don't because I don't think that'll help me.

Carmela

 

[Nicolette]

If you feel like screaming....do so! It also helps to write so please feel free to vent here.

 

[Butigotup]

Yes, it is hard for you, too. It's good to come here and talk about it, I hope.

I just noticed one thing that might be worth pointing out. You said

"He's been working long hours and this weekend he spent the day out of town negotiating a new work contract (very lucrative so you'd think he'd be at the top of his game)."

I think it might be fairly normal for him to be distant at a time like that. It sounds stressful. I know that job negotiations have always been stressful for me. Even when they end well, it's a tough thing to have responsbility for. And, when under heavy stress, it's normal for PTSD sufferers to push everyone away.

I know that doesn't make it easier to be pushed away, but maybe it would help to try to see things coming a little...when you know he has some stress coming his way, like a new contract to negotiate, you could try to be prepared to spend some time taking care of yourself and remind yourself that he'll probably be back. He's chosen to be with you all this time, and the fact that he's stressed out because of work doesn't sound like a reason he would really be leaving you...of course only the two of you can know your relationship, but from a distance, it sounds like he's just withdrawing from you because of stress unrelated to your relationship.

Knowing that might not make it easy, but in my experience, it makes it a little easier. My wife is very distant from me lately, due to work-related stress, and yes, I'm lonely...but knowing that it's not me helps a little.

 

[CCurry]

I have tried the screaming but it doesn't really help me. I totally think you are right Butigotup in regards to the job situation and how that alone can be very stressful. Being pushed away is very difficult.

He hasn't been around very much and last night (Saturday night) he didn't get in until after 8pm and that started off really badly by me telling him I'm really having a difficult time with all of this. Within minutes he was crying uncontrollably for the rest of the night. Oh Joy!

He feels a little more calmer this morning but he's gone for another walk and that has spiraled me into my own depression.

This saga continues...

Carmela

 

[Pam]

Dear CCurry, I scream, kick something till my foot hurts, stomp around, whatever. And then I get busy and do something. With all that energy right there, I have managed to lift heavy things, catch really big fish, chop wood, dig a hole, and generally work up a sweat. However, I NEVER scream, kick, stomp, etc in front of C. Not even when he is in the house. I make sure he is at least a mile away before I turn into a taz devil. And then I never tell him that I had a meltdown. When he is locked in his house during one of his week long scary times, that is my cue to go fishing, or take a trip, visit something interesting, call up some girlfriends and go do something together, just to generally get out of the house. I also like to sew and have done some of my best outfits while mad. I know this sounds impossible for you to do, but maybe try it just once and see how it feels to get yourself out of the house (leave a note if you need to).

 

[amethist]

Hi CCurry

I'm don't know if this has been mentioned to you yet, so if you have been told forgive me for repeating it.

Have you read about the stress bucket, with all it contains, i.e good stress and bad stress. Unfortunately relationships, even though they are good stress are one of the easiest to dump out of the bucket so to speak, this brings the stress level in the bucket down a bit. this along with not doing things like eating, showering getting out of bed.

It is a good idea to read all about this, I have gone back to reading it a few times, and everytime I see something I missed the time before, thats when I get one of those " Now I uderstand that bit" moments.

I am still looking and learning like all carers are.

Amethist

 

[Pam]

In the book, "The Explosive Child", they talk about a basket. The issues that are put in the basket are non-life threatening issues that don't require "right now" attention. When you have an explosive child on your hands you kind of get into the habit of dealing with EVERY issue right now (like the regular parenting books tell you to). But when dealing with an explosive child you would never have time to do anything else if you dealt with every issue. So you only deal with the really bad ones that threaten life and limb and valuable property. The others you write down and throw in the basket. After a while the basket gets pretty full and at least some of the time the issues sort of take care of themselves.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Amethist,

I actually did read that good stress, bad stress bucket list and it did reaffirm some of my thoughts but it's like anything sometimes you need to reread things to get a new renewed outlook.

I'll do that today, thanks.

Carmela

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Carmela, this is something I have been struggling with. It is so painful to be alone on the weekends. Why, I kept asking myself. I was lucky to find a website called namguardianangel, I think. The woman who it belongs to is the wife of a Vietnam vet and she told me her husband used to work himself to death during the week and then collapse or drink on the weekend. She has been a God send to me...She is a also a chaplain. She actually recommended this site to me.

I belonged to some support groups about 8 years ago, but we were just struggling in the dark. There wasn't much about how we should handle our significant others' PTSD. Now, thank goodness, more is known, and I believe in knowing the face of the enemy in all his disguises.

She told me this...when he retreats - leave him alone. He will come back to where he feels safe. This policy has worked well for me. For example. He calls me almost every night. It may be late, but he tries to call me once a day. When I call him and ask him to return my call, he will do it...once again, it may be late, but he will do it. But he has been in therapy for a while now.

Patient love is the key, but to be able to give it and get little back is the challenge. For me, I can do it because no man can ever fill his shoes, and I would rather have a bit of his time when he is relatively good, than endless days with a "normal" man. Our love has stood the test of time and separations and it still is there. I told him it was like a perennial plant: A storm can come along and sheer off the top, but the roots are deep and so it lives to bloom once again.

 

[CCurry]

Thanks Pam, if I've ever had a screaming or venting episode it has always happened out of ear shot of him or the kids. Other than just emotionally exhausting myself it really hasn't relieved me.

This is a HUGE learning curve for me. He hasn't had any serious relapses in years and I'm not sure why this year it has been this bad. The anniversary of his bf's death (died in his arms during a mission) and a combination of losing friends in the Pentagon in 9/11 has caused him to lose his mind.

I just noticed this morning that his torso is covered in bruises, he's been punching himself (I didn't know this) to stop the voices in his head (the screams of women, children, etc.)

One day at a time I suppose is really the only way to get over this hump.
Carmela