intrasearching
Silver Member
Hello,
I know these ailments may be co-occurring. However, I am having some trouble differentiating between the two - borderline personality disorder (BPD) vs PTSD.
Since I was about 16 I experienced severe fear of abandonment in relationships. Whenever I got even the slightest hint that the person was not caring about me "enough", I would launch into a sort of panic and dramatize the situation. This commonly took the form of me saying things reminiscent of "please don't leave me," "why don't you love me," "you don't care," "I should just end this now," "I am not right for you," "I am not a safe partner -- you deserve better," and the worst -- "if you leave me I will kill myself."
I have not had a habit of self harm. Only once in my freshman year of college did I burn myself. I did it about four times over the period of maybe a week. I was very isolated at that time and started smoking and listened to depressing music frequently...
But I have not had a repeat of that behavior since then (I am now in my junior year).
I am currently in a relationship with an amazing woman who is tirelessly loyal and supportive. She understands my struggles and really loves me. She tells me she will never leave me and would instead get therapy if my issues ever start to seriously eat at her. I think I believe her, however I cannot shake the feeling that everyone will leave sooner or later, and hence my trusting them is impossible and especially unwise (though that makes no difference because thus far I have never been able to truly, fully trust someone).
I experienced abuse basically from infancy. My parents were drug addicts and my father's friend were child (or baby) molesters. Some of my earliest memories involve being abused. Eventually I was taken from those people by CPS to live with family friends. This couple took me in and became my legal parents. However, my adoptive mother was extremely abusive from the time I was 4 years old and newly in her custody onward. She had severe insecurity issues and would say and do HORRIBLE things to me as a result. I do not necessarily wish to iterate them here...
When I was 16 I had my first "serious" relationship. When I say serious I mean that we went to the same school and spent all our time together there and were together for just about three months... And we told each other we were in love. I experienced severe, almost insanely paranoid (actually, there is no "almost") fear of abandonment with her. I commend her patience for that little while there. I was extremely sensitive and any action that did not suggest deep obsession over me made me feel scared, sad, rejected...
This continued in my subsequent relationships. I managed to have fairly successful serious relationship after that (namely the two that last 6 months and a year, respectively). I suffered from fear of abandonment with them but I more often would talk about it and have them reassure me and reason it out. It was not often that I reacted with anger or that catastrophizing I exhibited in my first relationship.
Oh, I never harmed myself as a result of being "abandoned". That self-harm bit seemed more related to pure depression.
Anyway, those couple relationships were more or less successful. I have always been a decent, kind, warm person, especially in my close relationships. I made sure to be genuine and talk through my problems. There were only a couple times I can recall now where I had serious meltdowns and said horrible things (like "Why don't you f*ck somebody else already? I know you're going to.").
I felt awful about that... So yes, I struggled with severe anxiety regarding betrayal and abandonment in that relationship. But when we were together, I was pretty "normal", kind, mellow, etc. Most of my long-term relationships have ended up being long distance, which is when the fear really takes hold.
So, I apologize for going on at length but I wanted to provide enough information.
I am deeply curious if anyone else out there with PTSD can relate to my experiences. Or does it seem like I have BPD? Or maybe both? Neither?
My current relationship has been going since August. It is very serious. She coaxed me into it basically, because I was very closed off and hesitant. She has promised me that she will never leave me, and we intend to indeed stay together forever and one day marry. However in the last few days I have been experiencing fear of abandonment worse than I usually do. I usually can talk it through with her (even though it comes in the form of being grumpy and sometimes rude, but not severely angry). Lately, I have instead had reactions where I told her I was going to break up with her if she did not promise me she would disallow me from being a jerk (my insecurity has been making me especially difficult lately), or that my issues were so severe we should just break up now. Last night she revealed feeling badly about her perceptions of my issues (felt like she was not helping me and was instead making me worse) and that launched me into another panic and I signed off the chat client after telling her that it was over, that it could never work, that I was too much, too damaged to be safe, to be good for her, to give her what she needs and wants. I shortly thereafter (within five minutes) came back online and apologized and talked things through...
But then I had another fear meltdown this morning! It wasn't too bad. I didn't fly off the handle. Instead we talked about it in depth and then I brought up BPD and how it may possibly apply to me.
I do not seem to be as "intense" as a BPD diagnosis, but there are some serious overlaps. It's almost like I am "borderline borderline". : P
I match most symptoms but to varying frequencies and seemingly mildly decreased intensity. I may simply be repressing a lot. But many times I don't feel triggered and can have normal, fine productive days. It is really this committed relationship that is making me so chaotic (because it means so much to me and triggers so much from my past regarding betrayal fears etc).
Ok... Any responses are greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this... : )
I know these ailments may be co-occurring. However, I am having some trouble differentiating between the two - borderline personality disorder (BPD) vs PTSD.
Since I was about 16 I experienced severe fear of abandonment in relationships. Whenever I got even the slightest hint that the person was not caring about me "enough", I would launch into a sort of panic and dramatize the situation. This commonly took the form of me saying things reminiscent of "please don't leave me," "why don't you love me," "you don't care," "I should just end this now," "I am not right for you," "I am not a safe partner -- you deserve better," and the worst -- "if you leave me I will kill myself."
I have not had a habit of self harm. Only once in my freshman year of college did I burn myself. I did it about four times over the period of maybe a week. I was very isolated at that time and started smoking and listened to depressing music frequently...
But I have not had a repeat of that behavior since then (I am now in my junior year).
I am currently in a relationship with an amazing woman who is tirelessly loyal and supportive. She understands my struggles and really loves me. She tells me she will never leave me and would instead get therapy if my issues ever start to seriously eat at her. I think I believe her, however I cannot shake the feeling that everyone will leave sooner or later, and hence my trusting them is impossible and especially unwise (though that makes no difference because thus far I have never been able to truly, fully trust someone).
I experienced abuse basically from infancy. My parents were drug addicts and my father's friend were child (or baby) molesters. Some of my earliest memories involve being abused. Eventually I was taken from those people by CPS to live with family friends. This couple took me in and became my legal parents. However, my adoptive mother was extremely abusive from the time I was 4 years old and newly in her custody onward. She had severe insecurity issues and would say and do HORRIBLE things to me as a result. I do not necessarily wish to iterate them here...
When I was 16 I had my first "serious" relationship. When I say serious I mean that we went to the same school and spent all our time together there and were together for just about three months... And we told each other we were in love. I experienced severe, almost insanely paranoid (actually, there is no "almost") fear of abandonment with her. I commend her patience for that little while there. I was extremely sensitive and any action that did not suggest deep obsession over me made me feel scared, sad, rejected...
This continued in my subsequent relationships. I managed to have fairly successful serious relationship after that (namely the two that last 6 months and a year, respectively). I suffered from fear of abandonment with them but I more often would talk about it and have them reassure me and reason it out. It was not often that I reacted with anger or that catastrophizing I exhibited in my first relationship.
Oh, I never harmed myself as a result of being "abandoned". That self-harm bit seemed more related to pure depression.
Anyway, those couple relationships were more or less successful. I have always been a decent, kind, warm person, especially in my close relationships. I made sure to be genuine and talk through my problems. There were only a couple times I can recall now where I had serious meltdowns and said horrible things (like "Why don't you f*ck somebody else already? I know you're going to.").
I felt awful about that... So yes, I struggled with severe anxiety regarding betrayal and abandonment in that relationship. But when we were together, I was pretty "normal", kind, mellow, etc. Most of my long-term relationships have ended up being long distance, which is when the fear really takes hold.
So, I apologize for going on at length but I wanted to provide enough information.
I am deeply curious if anyone else out there with PTSD can relate to my experiences. Or does it seem like I have BPD? Or maybe both? Neither?
My current relationship has been going since August. It is very serious. She coaxed me into it basically, because I was very closed off and hesitant. She has promised me that she will never leave me, and we intend to indeed stay together forever and one day marry. However in the last few days I have been experiencing fear of abandonment worse than I usually do. I usually can talk it through with her (even though it comes in the form of being grumpy and sometimes rude, but not severely angry). Lately, I have instead had reactions where I told her I was going to break up with her if she did not promise me she would disallow me from being a jerk (my insecurity has been making me especially difficult lately), or that my issues were so severe we should just break up now. Last night she revealed feeling badly about her perceptions of my issues (felt like she was not helping me and was instead making me worse) and that launched me into another panic and I signed off the chat client after telling her that it was over, that it could never work, that I was too much, too damaged to be safe, to be good for her, to give her what she needs and wants. I shortly thereafter (within five minutes) came back online and apologized and talked things through...
But then I had another fear meltdown this morning! It wasn't too bad. I didn't fly off the handle. Instead we talked about it in depth and then I brought up BPD and how it may possibly apply to me.
I do not seem to be as "intense" as a BPD diagnosis, but there are some serious overlaps. It's almost like I am "borderline borderline". : P
I match most symptoms but to varying frequencies and seemingly mildly decreased intensity. I may simply be repressing a lot. But many times I don't feel triggered and can have normal, fine productive days. It is really this committed relationship that is making me so chaotic (because it means so much to me and triggers so much from my past regarding betrayal fears etc).
Ok... Any responses are greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this... : )
