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Eelzies
I am new here and would appreciate some advice. I'm trying really hard to understand this whole situation and I want to make the right next steps.
Yesterday, I was having a pretty good day (for me). I socialized with a few coworkers at lunch, I was being productive. I like my job in general, but lately my manager has been triggering my ptsd for reasons I can't quite figure out. We've had 2 outbursts including yesterday.
The first one, I was on prednisone and having mood swings related to that. I just sort of unloaded on him, he has a sort of bullying way about him sometimes. Like I know he's a good guy, but he can be a real asshole sometimes. We managed to sort through that incident and we mutually agreed some steps to take to prevent it from happening again. One of which was me just establishing a boundary if he was going to push me to the breaking point. I remember him saying "just tell me if I'm being an asshole." That interaction was followed by my annual review, where I mentioned that I am quiet but not uninterested in my work. I have had issues with interacting socially since I was diagnosed and started working through the years of abuse. So I made sure to mention that on my review, I know it's a weakness of mine. He told me to just say good morning to everyone at the very least. I have done that. I also told him that I preferred communicating by IM and email, since it was his behavior that triggered me the first time. The way he talks to people etc.
Soooo flash forward to yesterday, a good day, and he approaches me with these weird, needling questions. It was kind of like the way you talk to a kid, "Let's take a look at your calendar...the due date was moved, why was it moved." I made a mistake in preparing for the campaign and saw a message from earlier in the month that said the project needed to be pushed back a week. So I did that in the CRM. But it was a mistake because I didn't see the date/wasn't paying attention.
It was not straightforward, I told him I would look into it and I swung my chair around back to my computer to do that. He kept standing in my cube, and I turned back around. He was trying to say stuff but never finished the sentences. I sort of got impatient because I was feeling super uncomfortable and then he just sort of kept going with "why did this happen" thing. Like he NEEDED me to tell him when I said I would resolve it and get back to him. He was just standing there and staring at me and so I told him to back off. It was a knee-jerk reaction. Like I said, years of abuse. Multiple partners.
Then he blew up and told me I couldn't say that to him. And I said why not, that I was trying to establish a boundary. He kept pushing back, saying that he's trying to talk to me and I was talking down to him and yelled to the entire office that I don't talk to anyone (like i'm a leper for being quiet or something). I told him I could not do this right now.
He stomped off and came back 30 seconds later and asked me to join him in the conference room. Like a dumbass, I went, because he's my manager and I was terrified of what I had just done. In there, he kept saying "I am your superior, you cannot do this" over and over, "What do you think you're doing?" too. And I told him I was pushing back, and he said I couldn't do that. I told him in our last incident he said to just tell him when he was being an asshole, which he denied.
Last week, he kept needling me about these emails I was supposed to be getting from the CRM that I have never gotten, and he physically came over to look in my junk folder because he didn't believe me when I told him it wasn't in there. Like he overtook my space and navigated my computer. He also took credit for an idea I had in a meeting, but that doesn't matter because it's a team environment.
It was just too much and I broke down. I started crying in the conference room, shaking and I walked away. I went outside and cried and couldn't breathe for about 10 minutes. I finally caught my breath and returned to my desk, started working again. One of the partners (my manager's manager) asked to see me, so I thought this is it, I'm toast, goodbye stable living.
I told him why my manager was making me uncomfortable, that I don't agree with his management style. Partner basically said tough shit, he's more important to us than you are. He put it in my hands if I wanted to stay, but he did not fire me because I am a valued employee.
He said we would meet this morning but he was in meetings and I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. He said if I wanted to stay I would need to commit to working it out with my manager and being more social. I'm sort of painted into a corner bc both things are really hard for me right now.
I know now why I was triggered -- it was because I tried to establish a boundary when I felt threatened and he purposefully ignored it and crossed it. Even more, he pulled me into a space where I did not have any witnesses. That scared the crap out of me. I know it's just an office, but I flashed back and it was horrible. Then going into the Partner's room was just icing on the cake. Hard day.
He HAS had repeated escalating arguments with another woman in this office before. I have not seen him yell or argue with anyone else. My plan is to stay until I find another job, but I'm worried they might fire me or lay me off before then. I am really angry because it felt beyond my control, and I would not have been triggered if my manager had respected my wishes: communicate via email/im, respect my quietness, "back off".
What would you do? Am I supposed to approach the partner? Do you think I need to formally apologize to my manager? I'm like totally at a loss. I'd rather not disclose the ptsd, as discrimination is very real. But I'm sure everyone in this small office knows I have "issues" now.
Yesterday, I was having a pretty good day (for me). I socialized with a few coworkers at lunch, I was being productive. I like my job in general, but lately my manager has been triggering my ptsd for reasons I can't quite figure out. We've had 2 outbursts including yesterday.
The first one, I was on prednisone and having mood swings related to that. I just sort of unloaded on him, he has a sort of bullying way about him sometimes. Like I know he's a good guy, but he can be a real asshole sometimes. We managed to sort through that incident and we mutually agreed some steps to take to prevent it from happening again. One of which was me just establishing a boundary if he was going to push me to the breaking point. I remember him saying "just tell me if I'm being an asshole." That interaction was followed by my annual review, where I mentioned that I am quiet but not uninterested in my work. I have had issues with interacting socially since I was diagnosed and started working through the years of abuse. So I made sure to mention that on my review, I know it's a weakness of mine. He told me to just say good morning to everyone at the very least. I have done that. I also told him that I preferred communicating by IM and email, since it was his behavior that triggered me the first time. The way he talks to people etc.
Soooo flash forward to yesterday, a good day, and he approaches me with these weird, needling questions. It was kind of like the way you talk to a kid, "Let's take a look at your calendar...the due date was moved, why was it moved." I made a mistake in preparing for the campaign and saw a message from earlier in the month that said the project needed to be pushed back a week. So I did that in the CRM. But it was a mistake because I didn't see the date/wasn't paying attention.
It was not straightforward, I told him I would look into it and I swung my chair around back to my computer to do that. He kept standing in my cube, and I turned back around. He was trying to say stuff but never finished the sentences. I sort of got impatient because I was feeling super uncomfortable and then he just sort of kept going with "why did this happen" thing. Like he NEEDED me to tell him when I said I would resolve it and get back to him. He was just standing there and staring at me and so I told him to back off. It was a knee-jerk reaction. Like I said, years of abuse. Multiple partners.
Then he blew up and told me I couldn't say that to him. And I said why not, that I was trying to establish a boundary. He kept pushing back, saying that he's trying to talk to me and I was talking down to him and yelled to the entire office that I don't talk to anyone (like i'm a leper for being quiet or something). I told him I could not do this right now.
He stomped off and came back 30 seconds later and asked me to join him in the conference room. Like a dumbass, I went, because he's my manager and I was terrified of what I had just done. In there, he kept saying "I am your superior, you cannot do this" over and over, "What do you think you're doing?" too. And I told him I was pushing back, and he said I couldn't do that. I told him in our last incident he said to just tell him when he was being an asshole, which he denied.
Last week, he kept needling me about these emails I was supposed to be getting from the CRM that I have never gotten, and he physically came over to look in my junk folder because he didn't believe me when I told him it wasn't in there. Like he overtook my space and navigated my computer. He also took credit for an idea I had in a meeting, but that doesn't matter because it's a team environment.
It was just too much and I broke down. I started crying in the conference room, shaking and I walked away. I went outside and cried and couldn't breathe for about 10 minutes. I finally caught my breath and returned to my desk, started working again. One of the partners (my manager's manager) asked to see me, so I thought this is it, I'm toast, goodbye stable living.
I told him why my manager was making me uncomfortable, that I don't agree with his management style. Partner basically said tough shit, he's more important to us than you are. He put it in my hands if I wanted to stay, but he did not fire me because I am a valued employee.
He said we would meet this morning but he was in meetings and I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. He said if I wanted to stay I would need to commit to working it out with my manager and being more social. I'm sort of painted into a corner bc both things are really hard for me right now.
I know now why I was triggered -- it was because I tried to establish a boundary when I felt threatened and he purposefully ignored it and crossed it. Even more, he pulled me into a space where I did not have any witnesses. That scared the crap out of me. I know it's just an office, but I flashed back and it was horrible. Then going into the Partner's room was just icing on the cake. Hard day.
He HAS had repeated escalating arguments with another woman in this office before. I have not seen him yell or argue with anyone else. My plan is to stay until I find another job, but I'm worried they might fire me or lay me off before then. I am really angry because it felt beyond my control, and I would not have been triggered if my manager had respected my wishes: communicate via email/im, respect my quietness, "back off".
What would you do? Am I supposed to approach the partner? Do you think I need to formally apologize to my manager? I'm like totally at a loss. I'd rather not disclose the ptsd, as discrimination is very real. But I'm sure everyone in this small office knows I have "issues" now.
