Breakdown?

[Teasel]

I'm sobbing hard every few hours, quite often feeling that it's unbearable to be around wishing I could just sleep. I've no one to talk to, my partner's an alcoholic, also midly aspergers, he gets angry and abusive at me and has been for more than a decade, it's worst when I need him most. Am barely able to function, has been getting worse and worse for years. Part of me is so desperazte to get away from him, like that's my only hope to get any better instead of sinking more n more but I'm so beat down with everything I don't know how I could do it - energy, finances, being around others is too scary etc.
Pretty desperate.

 

[Dana1010]

This is obviously complicated, but having an abusive partner around is the last thing someone with PTSD needs. I've also dealt with Asperger's people and was pretty much scarred from the experience both times. They are so selfish and insensitive, it's ridiculous. All I can say is I hope you get away from him asap.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Please know I'm asking this in a very non-judgmental way.

But why do you stay?

I have been with an alcoholic. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. I can't image that's healthy or happy for you.

I hope you know. You deserve better. And I think a part of you deep down realizes that and that is why you are in pain.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Change is scary. The first step is realizing you deserve better. You decide that you won't deal with it anymore and then opportunitieswill start to open up. You will be open to looking into other options. The first step is deciding staying is NOT an option

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

it's worst when I need him most.

You need YOU! You need to protect yourself. That's starts with removing toxic people from your life. That absolutely will drag you down and made healing impossible. You cannot depend on someone that cannot make healthy decisions. It starts with You. Decide you are worth being happy. You deserve to be happy!

 

[anonymous]

As someone who was with someone with Asperger's, I know how it can feel to be ... well, insofar as I know what you're going through, I guess just that. Each case is as unique as a snowflake but @Dana1010's description sounds familiar. I also know why I married her and why I stayed with her and couldn't possibly presume to advise someone else to stay or go.

What I can say is that you sound pretty self-aware yourself, and one way or another, not being as alone as you may feel, like you say, when you need him most. I would advise against finding others simply to complain about your partner's behavior. I don't mean you're doing that here, but saying if you feel like doing this, maybe you should think about separating or counseling. But being with someone with Asperger's can require having other sources of emotional support, plain and simple.

I myself experienced my partner as abusive, though she gets angry and punishes me to this day if I ever suggest that... It is very clear to me that people on the spectrum can be hurtful despite not intenting to be. I also know that my partner (divorce just finalized) really cared about me and tried her hardest to be supportive, but often had no idea how devastatingly hurtful she was, or how much she could not be there when I needed her most.

I don't know how much my words help, but those were my experiences. I am glad to be out of my relationship at this point (did not feel that way for at least a year), though I'll always care about her. Asperger's, at least in my experience, is not easy.

If the bigger problem is alcohol you might look into Alanon. Not everyone with Asperger's is abusive, though they may have difficulties with being sensitive. Alcoholism might be the bigger concern, I don't want to assume it's your partner's ASD that is the problem.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

You need YOU!

@Myanxietyhasanxiety . Nailed it. Not easy to do at all, but the only solution.

 

[Nevermore]

Hi berlinda
I was in a 15 year relationship with a man who became severely alcoholic myself. It started off happily enough and the slide was slow and subtle. The last five years were a living nightmare.
It's hard for others to understand why it's hard to leave when you're in the living nightmare stage. but I'm sure for you too it wasn't always that way.
What I know now is that I was just as lost as he was. I also know it would have been so much better for both of us if I had started to work on myself rather than him.
I've learned so much since then that I wish I'd known then.
I can really relate to your confusion and despair. You keep turning to him for help probably knowing full well he can never help you. I did the same. A pattern familiar from my childhood.
You do need you more than you need him!
It's a real journey back to finding yourself again - a journey of discoveries and insights that you can't imagine right now.
You are stronger than you know! The strength it takes to survive in the situation you describe is massive - one day you'll see that in yourself.
You deserve peace and happiness.
It took a long time for me to ask the question - how did I get here? And that's when the real journey began.
With or without your partner you can find your way out of this maze.
Find a good therapist that you can talk to. its like finding a good guide who can show you the way to get out of that maze!!!
I'm glad you found your way here.

 

[Teasel]

I've been unable to acces the site much at all in the last 2 weeks - only seem to be able to log on in the early hours of the morning. Have noticed other brits having problems logging on too.

Makes me quite sad, I've wanted very much to revisit this thread, and I'm grateful for everyones replies :)

I don't really have the words just at the moment, hopefully can come back another day.
Thanks