Breaking Thru The Denial

[eunoia]

hi. I'm new here. I have C-PTSD. Been seeing a trauma T for almost 2 years, and we are working on the book 'coping with trauma related dissociation.'

i understand the theory of structural dissociation. I'm having a hard time right now understanding myself. I'm not even sure I can explain this coherently.

basically, I want to hand the book back to T and tell her it's not for me, that I don't have parts, that this entire theory is bizarre, and I am being ridiculous for listening to it. I'm sure it's my inner critic that wants me to sabatoge the one thing so far that is making sense, even tho it's telling me it is nonsense.

I need to hear right now that this is real, or anything else that I could tell my critic so that I can just keep moving forward in therapy. I think I also feel fear in this regard.

 

[Silver.]

If I am reading this wrong forgive me, but it's possible to disassociate and not have other parts.
You have heard of people going to the other room and forgetting how they got there? Every day things like that is a mild example of disassociation.
When things get too hard for me, I pull myself away, to my own place. But someone does not emerge in my absence
(if this makes sense)
I think perhaps apply to the book what they recommend people apply here, which is take what you need, discard the rest
Sorry if this is not helpful, my brain is a bit scrambled right now.
At any rate, welcome to the forums x

 

[watundah]

I know what you are going through. Six months ago, I started non-dominant hand writing exercises to do inner child work. Through this time, four or five different "parts" emerged from the writing and my T suggested I could be on the DID spectrum. I don't lose time, I don't switch, and the only way we communicate is in writing, but there are specific roles and forgotten memories have emerged. So I have had a really hard time accepting that any of this can be really, especially when I have zero recall of the detailed abuse.

One thing my T stressed is that it isn't so important what we label it, and every one has parts. Call them alters, ego states, or whatever..I'm learning a lot and finding points of healing, tender places that need a lot of nurturing and so on. To me, that's what matters.

So I know it's wierd to get so far in life and get hit with this possibility, but it was created for survival. This is part of your journey to become whole now. Sending you healing thoughts.

 

[eunoia]

I do understand you can have dissociation without parts. T thinks they are dissociated parts. I don't really know what that all means. I'm fairly disconnected from self.

 

[Silver.]

So she thinks you have parts that you are not aware of? Has she explained to you why she thinks this?

 

[eunoia]

a younger EP surfaced during therapy.

@watundah, I did a bit of that non-dominant hand writing too, seems the only way I can communicate inwards. I guess my struggle is not believing in any of it, no matter what I choose to call it. it's making therapy challenging.

 

[Silver.]

do you think you could ask your therapist to video record your sessions? so you could see the younger you emerge, and perhaps that would help you to accept that this is happening to you. I think once you come to acceptance, then you will be able to get more out of therapy

 

[eunoia]

thanks silver. i was aware at the time, it just didn't seem like I had control. there is no evidence of distinct parts, more or less alterations in my perception, thoughts, feelings that don't seem like they are coming from me. I don't really feel like I have parts, but then I also wonder if I am just not very aware.

 

[watundah]

Good to know I'm not the only one who only sees parts in writing. Thanks for posting. While it feels wierd and scary to consider, it can help get to some real emotions. Take your time and keep talking to your therapist

 

[aut555]

So you don't have parts, it could be you just don't feel those parts. They can be small little fragmented pieces that are hard to grasp. I hate to say denial because it's not a judgment call, it's just easier if we don't have to face anything, because nothing is broken. Can we just say we are healing and to be fully in touch with our mini-me, the healing aspect comes faster. So the therapist needs all the puzzle pieces to help you. It's like a map, and she is trying to come to your house, but the map is blank. If you fill in the spaces, she can help you. It maybe you object to the words being used to describe the process? Can you break down what is the wall that stops you? Is it trust with your therapist? Is it trusting yourself to open up? Sending compassion, it does get easier, but you have to open the door to get into therapy.

 

[eunoia]

thank you @watundah.

@aut555, no, I guess that is the problem, if I don't feel them, they can't be there. i do trust my T. Trusting myself to open up? my walls are huge, heavy, and built so nothing gets thru. I don't know how to break them down. I want to find a door --so very very very afraid to open.

 

[aut555]

Ok, sorry, don't want to cause you any ill thoughts. But you are here, and that means you are trying. Maybe talk to your therapist that you feel held back, and that therapist will maybe change their approach. It's worth a shot. I understand, sometimes feelings are very overwhelming. But they soon occupy less space as time goes on.