Breaking Up With My Therapist

[Cannottakethis]

I've been seeing the same T for about 2 years. She is very nice, but I'm not sure she gets me, and we've only superficially talked about my trauma. That's mostly my fault from not bringing it up, but when I mentioned her trauma background she said she worked with September 11 victims/survivors.
In August when my trauma issues were triggered again, I put myself in a PHP, then inpatient using the therapist at the program I was in.
I'm now interviewing new therapists to see if I can find one with more experience dealing with childhood sexual trauma and rape and CPTSD in general.
But I know I have to tell her something, that it's not right to keep her hanging. And it's truly a "it's not you, it's me" situation. I just hate being the one to do it. Would it be wrong to leave her a voicemail saying I won't be coming back but I appreciate all the time she spent with me? I have only seen her once since August from being in PHP and then inpatient so our relationship isn't current anymore anyway.
Any advice is appreciated!

 

[Tinyflame]

E-mail? You can thank her.

 

[ButterflyBean]

In my experience, termination or "closure" sessions are essential. I ended my relationship with an old therapist over email once, and I still regret the decision today! Even though your relationship may not be "current" from your perspective, all relationships have impacts and an associated grieving process. That is, you will likely have to discuss this relationship with the new therapist to ensure you can avoid issues and handle the new relationship differently. Since you haven't seen your current therapist recently, a voicemail saying something like, "Hi, I've been doing some thinking, and I think I need some different treatment than what you are able to provide. Can I come in for one last session to discuss the work we've done, where I can go from here, and possible referrals?", might be a good idea! Plus, your current therapist might have questions if you were to just call and say you weren't coming back. It's not standard practice to end such sensitive, vulnerable, therapeutic relationships abruptly because of possible damage to the client. Things might be different if ending is solely your choice, but I do not recommend ending without closure! Good luck!

 

[Cannottakethis]

@Junebug I don't have her email address.

@HollyBeans27, I really don't want to spend an hour with her. I'm interviewing 2 new therapists this week which is going to be exhausting. I can't just get referrals from her because they need to be in my insurance network, which is limited and why I've got appointments lined up. Maybe a phone conversation?
Plus, it wasn't a very therapeutic relationship. I never walked out of there feeling like I got anything out of it. She just sat there. Barely asked questions, never offered opinions or suggestions. I know I sound like I'm making excuses and maybe I am. I've never had trouble throwing anyone out of my life before, but I feel bad about this.

 

[Muted]

Whatever is right for you. If you didn't go much into your trauma, you may not need much closure. If writing is easier you could send her a letter. I also think maybe sometimes people are in our lives at different times for different purposes and it's ok to move on. If you don't have that connection, you can waste a lot of time and money without getting anywhere. I think it's excellent you're recognizing it's not a good fit for you. When you find a good fit, you will know.

The best of luck to you in your journey.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Shells - Point taken. My experience is only my own. If a phone conversation feels best for you, then by all means, go with that. It sounds like she wasn't the right fit, which is extremely important to healing, so a phone call might be enough closure for you anyway. But I have to say one thing about feeling guilty. You should never feel "bad" about what you need. Good luck with the interviews. I hope you find someone who is able to meet your needs!

 

[Suzetig]

Ending therapy can be done any way you choose. You can call, arrange to meet, email or simply not go back - there can be benefits in ending face to face but only you know if you need that. Not wanting to see her to end doesn't necessarily mean it was bad therapy it may just mean you've said everything you want to.

It does sound like the therapy came to a natural break so I assume if you don't contact her, she wouldn't contact you. In that case, if you don't want to phone her you really don't need to, just let it rest where it is.

 

[Panda Bear]

Email, phone or go back for one last session, none of them seem to be of interest to you. So, I guess you just don't go back.

By avoiding the ending, you don't get your opportunity to let her know what went wrong and why. She'll not ever receive the feedback and might not be able to make changes(should she take your feedback to heart)

Chances are good, that despite the natural break you've already experienced in your relationships, she still would benefit from the some feedback.

I've only ended(well, doing it now) a therapeutic relationship one time. I understand the desire to cut loose and let it be done.

But really, it seems you've already made up your mind.

 

[Tinyflame]

Why pay though, simply for giving feedback if @Shells doesn't need it, & the T maybe not be receptive anyway? If her T thought she had fallen short she would have contacted her herself, I'd think.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Sounds like you already have closure for yourself and are moving forward to fill your needs in terms of therapy. That's awesome! As @Suzetig noted, with PHP providing a natural break you don't really need to contact her at all.

In the past, I've emailed that I wouldn't be returning to therapy and/or I've left a voicemail. No details, only that I wouldn't be returning to therapy. No harm, no foul. I was meeting my needs. When by email, I did receive a response once and it was to let me know that she would be there should I need her. Very sweet, but one and done.

 

[Cannottakethis]

So I left a voicemail. I wanted to do something because she is very nice, and also because she's in the same practice as my psychiatrist, so I didn't want there to be any surprises if they were chatting.

My insurance didn't want to pay for me to see the two therapists I'm interviewing so I'm not sure they would have paid for her, then 2 others.


Thank you for all of the advice.