Breakup Some Advice

[lacey03103]

HI thank you for taking the time to read this i was wondering if you could offer some advice for me ....me and my ex who is a veteran with ptsd were together 2 years when he was in afghanistan in 2013 everything was great we discussed his return etc....he was fine for the first few months we were so in love he even said the same we were soul mates. Shortly after he started having problems short tempered overly jealous etc he said we needed to breakup he was diagnosed with ptsd i was heartbroken but i gave him space and always supported him.....fast forward to a few months later and the same thing he needed to break up he didnt know what he wanted etc we have talked everyday since then still planning on living together etc well ive asked to see him numerous times he always says no so my friend said to tell him ive moved on with someone else cuz i couldnt take it which was an awful mistake i realzie how stupid it was but i missed him i was hoping he would have said no i want to be with you but it went far worse in the matter of a few days he said he had a gf and is still with her.....why can he be with someone but i loved him and we had a connection and he broke my heart over and over....i wrote him a long letter telling him he has always been my hero and i love him and glad hes happy if he truely is and wish him the best.....did i do the write thing or did that just push him away more he said he wants me to still contact him but i just feel awful that i lied to him, i told him i wasnt with anyone and could never be he just said oh.....will he ever be with me i feel like all this is my fault but at the same time hes hurt me several times i just am scared he thinks ive given up on him when i would go to hell and back just to take his pain away.....thank you again

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! Firstly, hugs if you accept them.

You cannot take his pain away. No-one can take away the trauma he has suffered. He can learn to manage his symptoms, but it is very difficult.

At the moment he is telling you he has a girlfriend and that he is happy with her. I think you have to take that at face value and move on.

 

[lacey03103]

was it becase of the mistake i made and told him that i moved on i know it was a mistake and dont know why i said it ive regretted it....and also was telling him how i feel in that letter about all the hurt and being sad him not seeing me etc pushing him away more? im just confused about all of this

 

[shimmerz]

This....

ive asked to see him numerous times he always says no so

Doesn't match
This

we have talked everyday since then still planning on living together etc

There is something wrong with this picture.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Bottom line, you lied to him and told him you had someone else, so he decided to move on too. Your manipulation backfired. I think it's time to move on. You've learned a valuable lesson. Lying can be devastating to a relationship. I hope you don't lie to your next love interest.

 

[lacey03103]

its long distance and yes i know it was wrong to tell him that I was just getting so frustrated because we were in the middle of buying a house etc, and its long distance for the time being but he never wanted to see me, one day he would say yes then he would get stressed then say no then say he wasnt even sure if he liked me i just was confused and thats how i reacted which is wrong.....does anyone think this could ever be fixed for us

 

[Kefira]

one day he would say yes then he would get stressed then say no then say he wasnt even sure if he liked me

Probably not a good time to be buying a house. Especially if you feel the need to manipulate him into being closer through jealousy.

I'm not sure what there is to fix. Long distance can be a way to build a friendship and start a relationship. But if you never got to a point where you could see each other regularly and determine whether you both could get along and share space, it sounds like you should probably do what you told him you had and move on.

Relationships take effort on both sides. But they also take trust, maybe more so than normal once mental illness is in the picture.

 

[lacey03103]

I know i appreciate all of your replies... we did live together for awhile but i had to move for a job we were actually planning on moving in this summer and now all of this has happened.....He told me all of his problems so when he did become distant and withdrawn i understood what i am having the most trouble with is did i push him away by always wanting to see him, i honestly wasnt trying to i just missed him and wanted to be with him. And yea i did tell him that but before i told him i moved on which i didnt i asked him repeatedly should i just move on if you want to be by yourself he never would give me an answer just withdraw wouldnt talk to me about anything....this went on for 6 months before i told him that he called me when i said that and said he was sad but it was his own fault because hes hurt me in the past...i later told him that i wasnt with anyone but it didnt help......its already been three weeks since all this he told me he still wants me to contact him etc, but my hearts broke i barely make it through the day just so upset about all this like what happened between this time......everyone tells me to move on but i cant and i dont want him thinking i gave up on him.

 

[shimmerz]

Idk, I see that the lie would have been the breaking point, but I also feel that this guy needed to be pushed. Actions speak louder than words and it looks like he left the relationship long before you pulled your ace out. He needed to be honest and he wasn't either I don't think. It sounds like the relationship was on the rocks long before you said you had moved on. Do you really want to live your life wondering when you will get the 'next scrap' of his attention? If so, you might want to think about counseling before you move onto any other relationship. Just my .02

 

[lacey03103]

yea thats what everyone was telling me but he was trying to go to counseling for his ptsd and then stopped saying everyone thought he was weak thats when he went down hill further, and i guess listening to everyone tell me i needed to move on it scared me and i guess i used that as a last way to get his attention but it didnt work...i think i do need some kind of counseling just all the ups and downs he has put me through i dont blame him at all but i even told him like why did we even start this relationship if he knew it was going to be like this it was fair...he never replies just said i blame him for everything which ive never done. I feel absolutely worthless now and its like i feel maybe thats why i still want his attention so bad or still contact him to feel like i am at least worth something.....i have alot of anxiety issues as well in case you cant tell but i thought for sure we could make this work but maybe it was doomed to begin with......thank you again its much appreciated to hear your opinions

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Time heals all wounds I have learned. Some lessons in life are painful and costly.

Get some therapy to help you to become unstuck and then you may be able to start to move on with your life.

I empathize with how you feel but this does not sound like a healthy relationship to me, just my opinion.

I understand that you are really hurting so bad right now, Work on yourself and learn about yourself and what you need and want and deserve in a relationship when you are really ready to commit again.

 

[lacey03103]

i feel like i dont want anyone but him is that normal? im 28 and this is the first like actual serious relationship i was ever in ive dated for years but never found someone that we clicked like with him....i almost feel crazy ive never felt like this ever