Brief Psychotic Dissociation

[Jib]

Just hours ago I freaked out. I've experienced similar episodes in the past, but I don't know if it was to this extent.

So much has been happening for such a long time I don't even know where to begin. It's just too much. So I started laughing. I started laughing louder and louder, and then I lost control. I was laughing and hitting myself in the head with a notebook over and over. I was ramming my head into doors. I started crabwalking forwards and backwards and going around the basement floor on my front on all fours. I was rubbing my head and my legs into the carpet really hard and clenching my head. I was writhing in and out of the fetal position like a worm on a hook. I was also screaming as loud as I could. I remember having a panic attack like my arms were frozen and on fire at the same time. My parents were there almost the whole time. I threw the Bible on the floor and was yelling at it and smashing my head against it and hitting it with my palms and my fists and then I kept banging my head into the closet door. I remember curling up into the fetal position and clenching my head and shaking and screaming as loud as I could.

I've had episodes like this but never with the screaming or mumbling; I was also in the closet and holding my knees and my sister came in and I was muttering something about iambic pentameter and tetrameter and I think I was saying to myself, "you have to help yourself," mockingly. Maybe I was frustrated at people saying "you have to help yourself" -- I feel like I can't anymore and my brain just snapped tonight.

The entire thing feels like a dream. Bits and pieces of it are coming back to me randomly, just like remembering a dream throughout the day. I feel exhausted, but really beyond that, I feel like I'm half or more out of my body. I can't cope with what's going on and everything inside me feels like it's saying that it's just getting worse and worse. I feel like I can't explain it to anyone. I feel like even though my family saw the episode that there are no witnesses to my life, no witnesses to everything I've been through. Always alone. I wrote today "My world is fiction to you," when I was just starting to come down from the episode. That's how it feels. Maybe that's why I feel so detached from reality right now. What happened tonight feels like a dream. Completely a dream. And what's happening now feels unreal too.

The only faint hope I have is that people here might be able to benefit if I get through this. Maybe by working through this, other people can find hope that they can get through it as well. I don't know what the purpose is in getting through this. Not ultimately. But there's a purpose in me getting through it if it means it'll help other people get through it as well. I can almost feel my feet touch the ground of reality when I say things like that. That is what brings me back.

So, what are your experiences? Have you ever had a 'dissociative snap' where it's more than the complete detachment from reality, like on top of that you became extremely violent out of nowhere, or just flipped and started screaming or saying things you have no idea about? It's almost (to me) like in that episode, the coping mechanism -- dissociation -- was married to the emotional pain that caused it to come about. In a way I feel like the dissociation allowed me to express the emotional pain I was feeling that I wanted someone to witness so badly. Like it disintegrated my self-awareness that would otherwise keep me from expressing that stuff, instead of merely disintegrating my self-awareness so I couldn't be identified with pain. It was like I both wasn't identifying with my pain and completely expressing it at the same time. Bizarre.

Can anyone relate? If not to the episode, what about having a witness to your suffering? Sometimes I feel like dissociation is a direct response (for me, at least) to not having a witness, not having anyone to listen. Like, I have nobody to listen, so I compensate by having no body to identify with as experiencing pain at having nobody. Anyone else feel this way?

The way I word things can make it hard for people to relate, so I'll just say it one more time: what about having a witness to your suffering? Do you think you've ever dissociated out of necessity, because since there was nobody to help you, the only way to cope was having no body, so to speak?

Thanks for reading, I hope you can get something out of contributing to this thread if you choose to do so, and I hope you are doing okay tonight -- take care :)

 

[Manic11]

I can definitely relate to episodes like this. I remember when my episodes started as a young child my mind sort of 'invented' this other person/personalitiy. Her name is Katie and she will come out sometimes when I can't function/break down or I forget everything, such as where I am, who I am, etc.

This is very common or PTSD sufferes... I have noticed this through threads on the forum and by doctors/therapists. Is there anything that is grounding for you? For example, the TV show 'Friends' is very grounding for me so I'll put it on and whether I can concentrate on it or not, it usually helps when its on. Or I'll keep my mind busy by cleaning or going for a walk with the dogs....puzzles help me to!

Know you aren't alone in these situations. If you ever want someone to help you and talk you through these situations, PM me. We can help each other.

I hope this has helped...even if it's just a little bit. Hang in there. There is help and hope. We're here for you.

Hope to hear from you,
Manic

 

[bluecat]

Hi Jib,

I've had some of these. They scared the shit out of me and they always occured in connection with situations that presented an overwhelming internal conflict. Like, my exhusband hurt me during sex, he did it intentionally, but I couldn't believe that. I felt ashamed, but at the same time couldn't reconcile that he did something like that, because I loved him and believed that he loved me. So my mind took me to my past when my father would beat me up and then make me thank him for it. I thanked my exhusband (even though I felt like I am gonna throw up from myself and was screaming inside, what are you doing!?), went to the shower and beat my body until I had bruises, because thats what should have happened for me to feel this ashamed. It was very confusing and exhausting and of course I had no explanation for it back then other than that I am crazy.

Another one happened when I was a kid.
I watched my father brutalize my sisters. After, I felt extremely violent and wanted to hurt, torture, sexually humiliate and kill innocent people in a very sick way. I fantasized about what I would do to them and I enjoyed it. At the same time, I knew what I was imagining and my feelings about it were deeply wrong. I was so shocked by the potential for evil I thought I discovered in me that I shut down for two decades. I forgot all of it consciously, but from then on I had this deep belief that I am evil and if I ever relax the control on my emotions and desires I will do horrible things. I became unable to do things I wanted, because deep down I believed that if I want it, then it must be evil. Instead, I did what other people wanted, like a puppet. The only part I remembered was the sound of little girls crying and the sound haunted me for years, until a couple years ago when I remembered what it was about and with some therapy and healing it subsided.

I had several times when I didn't remember afterwards what I did. Once I was driving and found myself at my exhusband's house. I had no intention to go there and it was during a time I was trying to get away from him and had a restraining order against him. When I came to and realized where I am I was horrified. Not only it wasn't safe and I don't know how I would have explained that I went there to the police and the court, but I also freaked out for not knowing what I was doing.

I also had many times, when I would be crying for help, howling really, and pacing back and forth, even though I wasn't in danger anymore. I usually did it when I was alone, but I did sort of hope that someone would respond and save me. Once this happened in my grandmother's house. There was no danger, but I was crying and howling like an animal. My grandma must had been really freaked out. She came downstairs and I could tell she was really concerned. She said: "nobody is trying to hurt you". It stayed with me. So maybe you're right and having someone there to witness your pain and reassure you is what some of these need.

I hope you're having a good day/night depending on your hemisphere. In my experience, with treatment, and as I got more control over my life, took some steps to get safety and got a lot of empathy from my therapist, the psychotic dissociation slowly decreased in frequency of occurence and intensity. I still occasionally believe that I am a sociopath. Now when I do, I know I am just flashing back to my childhood dissociation. I remember the things my therapist pointed out that show that I am not a sociopath and I laugh with relief.

I don't know if this is helpful in any way, but either way, I hope these won't plague you any more and if they do that its brief and you get the help and support and reassurance to help you heal. Good luck with everything.

Bluecat

 

[QuietNow]

Obviously I'm not meant to reply to this message tonight. I've typed it out twice and deleted it by accident with a keystroke twice now.

The Cliff Notes version: read up on grounding techniques. Try to pace yourself in the inner delving. You're emotionally flooding, not at all crazy. Talk to your therapist about this. And even though I personally hate tranquilizers, an event like that would definitely be the night that I dug out the calming meds.

And teach your parents and sibling how to help you ground:
an easy routine is to soothingly say something like "Jib, it's me {say your name}. It's me, {say your name}. Do you know where you are? You're safe. You are safe. You are in a safe place. {tell Jib where Jib is} It's me {say your name}." (fill in the 'say your name' with the parent or sibling's name)

Them just repeating your own name over and over again (like the untrained usually do) buys us nothing. We have hundreds of bad scenarios where the bad guy says our name. Someone needs to break through the fog and make you understand that you are safe.

 

[emmieb]

I just had my first episode like this. From what I have learned, it is your subconscious letting memories come to the surface through a flashback. I was terrified, and I knew i was in my house. But I thought my husband was dying. I was frozen. I could hear him choking so loudly that I thought I needed to call an ambulance. But I was so scared I couldn't move. Actually what I was hearing was a memory of me choking from being gagged. He was completely fine. He held me while I screamed and cried. He made me feel completely safe and I was able to come back to reality. If he hadn't been there I think I would have had to been hostpitalized. I had flashed back to when I was four and was sexually assulted.

 

[Jade-]

Hmmmm....Interesting. I have been under major stress this week and have been experiencing strange "episodes". Except I will all of a sudden feel like I'm just waking up from being asleep, and I'm saying or doing weird things and wondering why I'm saying or doing them. Like I all of a sudden felt like I was waking up, just the same as waking up in the morning after sleeping all night, and I was yelling "you're mean" at my husband. He was just standing there, looking at me, puzzled, and asking me why I thought he was mean.

The same thing happened at work, except when I felt like I was waking up, I was telling a co-worker I felt like getting a gun. So I had to turn it into a joke.

 

[Jade-]

So what's the technical name for this? Surely it's not called "brief psychotic dissociation" is it? There has to be a better name/word for it....right?