Relationship Broken Engagement To Veteran

[Rose2]

We were engaged to be married 7 days ago. He left me 6 weeks ago suddenly and without a reason. We were together a year and a half. He was the sweetest person I have ever known, he was my best friend and I still love him with all my heart. When we first met he told me he had communication problems and that he had never had a loving relationship before. He learned to open up and said he felt he could share anything with me. We talked daily and he told me that I was the best thing that has ever happened in his life. He told me he loved me daily and would be lost without me. We prayed together and studied the Bible together as well as attending church. My family truly adored him and his family was very welcoming to me telling me that they had never seen him so happy before. When I say that our families were shocked that he would do this; that is an understatement. It was devastating to my son as well.
I am having a hard time understanding how he just could shut down like nothing ever happened as if he never loved me at all. One of the last things he said before he left was that he was emotionally dead and he was better off as a "lone wolf", Now given I've seen emotions in the way that he cared for me on a daily basis and when I went to have a biopsy done so this is hard to believe. I am respecting his need to break it off and stay away, but did tell him I loved him and would go on with my life as he wished. No contact in 6 weeks now. Some days is just torture, how could he just shut it all off this quick and without any warning. Never would have thought this in a million years. I am learning about PTSD and how it affects relationships. There was never any closure. Any advise greatly appreciated.

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry about this leaving you so hurt and so many questions. I am glad you are here and seeking help and support. There is a whole supporters section here and support all over the boards... I am not in a relationship so have nothing helpful to share. But am letting you know you are not alone and I do hear your hurt heart. sending hugs if you accept them.

 

[Rose2]

thank you so much. I am glad to have found this site. I am going to see a counselor next week. Jut now able to talk about it without crying.

 

[julzzze]

I am going through the same...we've been together three years. You are not alone. I wish I had some encouraging words but I am lost at the moment as well.

 

[ladee]

My heart hurts for you as well @julzzze. So hard to go thru this for both of you.... what a painful experience for both of you... hope you find support and hope here... just both of you take care of yourself somehow..... be nice to yourself. we are here for you.

 

[Rose2]

Julzzze, 3 years is a long time. Are you two still working on it? I only had a yr and a half invested but I put my whole heart into it. What hurts the most is not knowing what really happened when we were togetherr day and night. I am sorry you are hurting and hope you find some peace. It hard to still love them when they do not feel the same. I feel it's the isolation with PTSD, I have done more research on it. My ex was textbook in that he was reserved, quiete, but very loving. Protective and always on guard. He put me in his circle then pushed me out of it.

 

[julzzze]

Julzzze, 3 years is a long time. Are you two still working on it? I only had a yr and a half invested bu...

I haven't heard from him in a couple of months. Not the man I know anyway. I've seen him a couple of times but he is so angry at me and in a hurry to get away. He won't talk and there is no explanation or closure. No communication at all. I pushed at first....I knew better but when you're in the midst of it, it's hard to remember the rules we should follow. So I probably made things somewhat worse..Rose2 it is hard when you love someone so much. For now, I have to wait because I can't shut off my feelings for him. He will either come back and try to work together, or he won't , and with time I will learn to move on. But for now, that's where I am and that's really all I know for sure. Huge hugs to you and loving warm thoughts Rose2. It's their battle and as much as we would like to be in it with them, it is really theirs alone.

 

[Rose2]

I agree completely Julzzze, it is their battle alone and only they can decide to accept help from others, meaning doctors or counseling; whatever it takes. I've seen enough to know how lonely he is because of his isolation. I am not living this way, I am seeking outside help for my depression. There is not a minute that goes by that I don't grieve, I know it's unhealthy and I must take care of myself. Today I've decided to forgive him and myself. I have to let go and let God carry this burden. It's been 6 weeks now without contact. (Nothing). I understand your pain and hugs right back! So glad to know that I am not alone.

 

[catlover26]

I am so sorry for you. I know this is so difficult to go through. I met my Vet 2 yrs ago (next week) after my divorce and felt I have really met the person that truly loves and cares for me. But it has been such a roller coaster ride. He is 15 yrs older than me. It started out great like he was a different more happy person then gradually his depression or ptsd set in and he has had many ups and downs since then. It is very difficult. Although because of his age he doesn't physically disappear, emotionally he will be distant from me when I go see him now twice a week. He has started more of an isolation mode not wanting to talk on the phone either. I feel he is having more depression problems but whatever it is he won't talk to his counselor or psychiatrist at the VA about it.

As hard as it is for me to see him like this I have to let it go. I went over there tonight and said something because I had to wait outside because he was late and he asked me to leave. I didn't get mad at him. He just over reacted and didn't want me there. You need to find the illustration about the ptsd stressor cup. Their cup gets so full with outside things that one other little thing can make it overflow and they have some kind of reaction from all of that stress.

As hard as it is for you to believe a relationship with him in that kind of condition would be very difficult until he gets help. As much as we want to think they will be happier with us, they will get help because we are in their life, we can do or say something that will make a difference and then they will get help, it doesn't work.

I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself!!!

 

[Rose2]

It's been three months now since I've heard from him. My veteran wants to start over and take things slow, but I've noticed a change in him. Don't know if it's my imagination. I always tend to over analyze things. I've talked to him about isolation and he says that he didn't do that, he was just giving me time to cool off. We were engaged to be married and I thought everything was going smoothly until we had our first stressful moment. I didn't feel like he could express his emotions and told him that, that's when he pulled away and I lost contact with him. We have met for dinner several times and went on a trip together, everything was pleasant and he seemed his usual playful self. He told me that he loved me and was scared of being hurt again as his last 2 marriages ended in divorce. When he was leaving I gave his ring back and he told me he thought that I was breaking the engagement. I thought that was what he wanted. He tells me that he wants a future with me and did not feel whole while we were apart. He contacts me daily and throughout the day, and sends goodnight texts. (Like it was before)
But something I can't put my finger on is that he doesn't seem as engaged and feel like he is still not emotionally there for me. Is this how it is with PTSD? He is sweet and always holds my hand and is very affectionate giving hugs and saying I love you, but when it comes to me having a sad day and feeling like I need some words of encouragement he has no words to express. I love this man but wonder if this means that he does not love me? Am I asking too much for him to say the right words?

 

[EveHarrington]

He told you about the communication problems from the beginning so I don't think that him not being supportive of you is a PTSD thing.

I'm guessing that he never fixed the problems that lead to his first two divorces. I'm seeing large red flags waving in the wind.

 

[Rose2]

Thank you for the honesty. I realize I can not continue with him unless he agrees to counseling. That would be the only way to continue in this relationship. I cannot get my heart embedded in a man who may not be willing to learn to communicate with the person he loves.
That is if he loves.