Broken Head

[donald ayers]

i really hate that my head is broken,that it cant be fixed.I have drs. tell me i did my job aint that some shit.they read about me in books and learn about me in class but they are scared of me and my broken head.ta da

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome Donald, pull up a chair and let's talk.
In what way is your head broken, do you think?

 

[donald ayers]

Welcome Donald, pull up a chair and let's talk.
In what way is your head broken, do you think?

my head is broken by ptsd and the memorys of combat,of lives i have taken and the lives of fellow marines lost.why am i still here,i dont know.i dont know why i havent taken my own life.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome Donald.
I too feel the same way.
It's a lotta pain and I feel like I just needa go back to a war zone and fight an die.
I woulda been there in 2014 if I wasn't so damn poor.

But I refuse to take my life... some day's it's a tempting thought but I push it aside.
Let the tears flow out if you gotta, and get some air outside.
Do you have family close by?

 

[donald ayers]

Welcome Donald.
I too feel the same way.
It's a lotta pain and I feel like I just needa go back to a war zone and fight an die.
I woulda been there in 2014 if I wasn't so damn poor.

But I refuse to take my life... some day's it's a tempting thought but I push it aside.
Let the tears flow out if you gotta, and get some air outside.
Do you have family close by?

i have some family but they are just like most,dont want to get involved

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I understand.
Family can be difficult to get along with. Especially if they're not trying to understand what's going on.
How long has it been since your last VA visit? I know for me it's been a minute cus they just wanted
to give prescriptions.

 

[dutchiedelta]

You may not want family involved in a solution but they are already involved in how you're doing right now Donald.
Do you have anyone else nearby you can sit down with and feel comfortable around?
Do you have a good contact with a family dr perhaps?
It's not much comfort but many of us here understand how you feel. You're not alone.

 

[Terrier]

You've taken a great first step, you reached out to this forum. You are definitely not alone in your thoughts. My blood family couldn't care less about me. And many of my 'friends' apparently couldn't handle the new me and walked away. I do have a couple of close friends who have significantly helped keep me focused on life. That and I've finally found a good therapist I can really talk with, been through a bunch. What works for me is to take only one day at a time, try to plan out my time so I understand what I'm supposed to accomplish for the day. Doesn't always work, but it is a start. Another thing that really helps, especially when it comes to talking is my dog. May sound crazy, but she listens, isn't judgemental and is of great comfort for me. It is also my reason to keep on this side of the dirt pile. Keep the faith.

 

[vikingr24]

I stared down the barrel more than once, early on when I got back. I found out I am just not going to give up. You find out a lot about your Self when you stare at the Abyss.

From that point on, i experienced a lot of good things along with some pain. I had my break down almost 10 years to the day I got home. I found out who my friends are too. I got involved in some social groups that really helped me grow up socially. I needed to learn to shake hands and remember names and be interested in other people. I met my share of good women too.

I did learn that I could not hang on to my friends. I just did not tell them anything about that gap in my life. It seems when a vet talks about what he/she did it comes across as bragging. Some guys get to a fist fight and more than once I was very obliging. I needed that too.

Athletics helped me a lot. I played soccer for years and got that competitive side honed to a point. Loved it. Made a lot friends that way too.

Keep your eyes on the prize which is living. It is an imperfect world. Enjoy its stupidity and GD it is sometimes. Utter Folly. Uniform Foxtrot.

 

[donald ayers]

thanks for your support brothers,your advice is a help.

 

[Plat-Daddy]

i really hate that my head is broken,that it cant be fixed.I have drs. tell me i did my job aint that some shit.they read about me in books and learn about me in class but they are scared of me and my broken head.ta da

it took me some time to find the right doc that said I have no clue what to do for you but lets learn together. I will not go to a VA doc for they seem to have become desensitized to our needs. I also am very angry most of the time. Wife says the biker in me. I like the meds now for able to not be on guard all the time. It did take a long time to get them right and the more time that passes the less dose works well. Brother I used to be on allot and have gotten in so much trouble I am tested to make sure I am on them. I beat the crap out of a body bag when stressed. It seems to help allot for then tired even in the head. I do drink only to go to bed. everclear and cherry juice. Lucky short hitter. one drink and out for about 5. I today try to focus on hobbies. Anything to keep my mind to busy to dwell on the crap. I take prazosin to help curve the dreams. I still dream here and there even after 20 years out but nothing as far as details. I fussed at my delegates for my area and a senator got me into civilian therapy and since then so much better. Yet the first few docs I scared so they bailed but finally one who is cool. suggest akido or other type of martial arts. We used to adorn full pads and helmet and beat the crap out of each other and it helps allot. Finding a brother tough enough was the trick. Wish you well.