Broken Ring!

[Bigblueeyes45]

I have been married for three years now and Everyday is a struggle I don't trust him and my PTSD keeps me from loving him or myself in that fact! Will I ever love will I ever have that close feeling to someone ever again? Most the time I tell him I want a divorce that he needs too move on because I don't feel anything and it isn't fare too him or me. I have been through so much in last relationships that I just don't care anymore if I am alone or with someone. I feel sad that my heart doesn't feel and trust but that is all I know! From childhood too now I have always had this wall up. I let it down once and he destroyed everything about me and I don't think I will ever get it back. I want my relationship too work but don't know where we are headed! He has a hard time with mt PTSD and doesn't understand.... but I see it this way if he really loves me then he will take the time too learn and go through what ever I have too and be by my side. Or am I asking too much of someone that has too suffer in a different way?

 

[kyara]

Love is peculiar... we stay with who we love for whatever reasons. Do you want to be with him? If yes, then please grant him the freedom to choose to love you and be with you. (Speaking from a lover of a sufferer who chose to end the relationship because he felt he is being unfair to me, and loving me becomes a stress for him.)

 

[katz]

I feel the same way with my husband. When we married 8 years ago, all my past was forgotten. Then as time went on, it started to rear it's ugly head. Now , it is in full force. I know that I won't forget the past again. Meanwhile, my husband wants no part of my "healing". He is just waiting for me to be "cured", like a cold or flu. He won't help me or try to understand why I'm this way. I can't get him to understand that my "healing" that he wants, would go much faster if he would just join my team. I want so much to have a "normal" marriage. His first wife cheated on him, so he thinks that I will too.

We both have a hard time trusting anyone.

I have read in the forums, that there may never be a "normal" anything for me. I feel like I'm broken and can never be fixed. Maybe I just belong being alone. I can't get up the nerve to ask him if he would leave me if we never had "relations" ever again. (It hurts me very badly when we do)

Maybe it's true that I can't find the "peace" that I need. I feel like I have never been truly loved - just for being me. I thought that he could, maybe I'm wrong. All he does is complain that he doesn't get "it" every time he wants it. It makes me feel terrible, because I feel like I have failed him. He has even told me directly that I shouldn't have ever gotten married. When he said that , it hurt me deeply. If I get upset, then he tells me to "just stop that", and shuts me down.

I don't know how long I can "just stop that". I feel so full that I'm going to overflow. I don't want to be back in the hospital again. All it feels like is being locked behind a door, which just panics me more. Even as I write this, I'm shaking.

Can a man love you just for being yourself? All the men I have known just want one thing. It's been this way forever, from parents and grandparents to dates and marriage...does it ever stop?? Can it?