General Broken

[Learning123]

Hi

I've often heard sufferers describe themselves as 'broken'. Although I know I can't understand something like that, I'd like to try and learn more about this and to try and discover how to comfort / help my ex who experiences this feeling.

Has anyone experienced this or heard a sufferer describe this please? I'd really appreciate it if anyone can shed some light on it.

From my very limited knowledge I think it refers to fragmentation of feelings and emotions, but I could be wrong.

Thanks very much

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hello Learning 123

At a basic level, my hubby has described the sense of loss, bereavement, he feels about the person he used to be before PTSD. Just like Humpty Dumpty that person he used to be can't be put back together again. He doesn't have the strength he used to have to hold all the bits together. Life is taken at a slower pace now and has it's challenges but in different ways. The strong, capable, can do man with high aspirations is learning that things have changed but life still has some magic and things to enjoy.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think as a subjective 'feeling' I can only say an alalogy I can think of is a 'toy' vs. 'a broken toy'. -That kind of 'broken'.

 

[intothelight]

This is an excellent question.

I will not be presumptuous enough to speak for all PTSD sufferers, but I can give you my perspective.

My trauma started when I was very young and is continuing. From an early age, I developed coping mechanisms that became much of "who" I was. I hit a point where I no longer coped at all and basically fell apart emotionally, physically and mentally. Unfortunately, the breakdown was huge and it left me feeling "broken". None of the "old" things worked and there was absolutely no control.

When you lose the self-control over your emotions, thoughts, memory, some physical aspects, I think broken is probably as good of a description as there is. I've also heard sufferers refer to it as a wreck, disaster, and have even compared it to death.

Hope this helps.

ITL

 

[kers]

I often use this adjective to describe myself, and Junebug has it spot-on: a broken toy. I look at other people and it is like everything is connected up right inside them, and I have faulty connections. Nothing I do feels normal, everything about me feels wrong, bad, and damaged. When I start to enjoy myself like a normal person, some aspect of the PTSD inevitably seems to step in and strip me of that illusion.

That said, I am at a point in my healing where I can intellectually grasp that I am not fundamentally broken. Understanding that emotionally is harder.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

learning123.

I've almost posted this a few times and I've always held back for some reason -but, bugger it, I will post it.

You've already mentioned this ex is a woman and so are you so (*coughs*) - I used this example to explain it to another one of my gay friends. We were out and I got an sms from an old friend - 'hey, we're going clubbing on the weekend - you coming?'. And I didn't answer the sms and was like 'argh, I don't wanna go and I don't wanna reveal why yet either'. And she asked me why I didn't wanna go and why I didn't wanna just tell him what was going on, re : ptsd. Why I was withdrawing from friends, relationships, etc. I explained it like this to her and the penny dropped and she got it. So I hope it works with you to try to help explain some of this behaviour you're dealing with.

I kinda hesitate to use the word 'broken', because I actually don't see myself as broken (again, just me, we're all different). I would probably prefer to use the words 'in a period of realisation and transformation'. Basically, I said to her 'when you figured out you were gay did you kinda withdraw from old friends?' ...'yup'... 'why?'... and she went 'ahhhh, I get it now'

I said that because for me this feels very much - in terms of how I'm feeling - like when I realised I was gay. And a lot of the same behaviours came out. It was like being hit by a truck with the license plate 'duh'. And I was 16 and I sorta sat there and I thought 'how could I not have known this about myself? How is it possible to have been on this earth for 16 years and not have the faintest clue about something like that about myself. And I felt like, I suddenly had to pretend a lot. And I withdrew from my old friends out of a sudden feeling of 'but they don't know me anymore. The Jen they know is gone. I'm a new Jen. I didn't plan this, I didn't know this, I wasn't faking or lying all that time - I simply genuinely did not know this about myself and now I do. And they don't'. And I didn't know how to tell all these people that had known me for years one way, that I was in fact now an entirely different way.

You've mentioned that she acts one way around you and that you seem to cop the true side, when she's 'pretending' or not showing it to others. She is probably going through a lot of those similar feelings with realising she has PTSD. It's a good thing to realise if you ask me, because until it does sink in - you are living in denial. And you don't really have a chance of authentic happiness. As hard as it is to realise you have PTSD, I think once you come to terms with it and begin to manage it - then you have a genuine chance of happiness as the person you now truly are. But, just like when I figured out I was gay - there was a feeling of mourning involved. And a feeling of 'ok, this one small thing about me is actually going to affect the way the rest of my life unfolds from this moment forth, so I'm going to have to come to terms with the 'death' and the 'mourning' of that old life/me and how I just figured it would be'.

Over time you will probably find that she will hopefully learn to become a little more herself in front of others too. But if she is still dealing with/processing/learning this then she probably is in a slight state of mourning in terms of 'things aren't ever gonna be the same again, are they?'. She's been hit by the 'duh' truck and has prob been in denial a long time. You know her very well. She's very close to you. She probably feels comfortable letting a lot of the rage and the 'venting' seep out in front of you. Rest assured, in her mind, this realisation will be huge. Hopefully, that explanation will give you an idea of how huge it probably seems in her mind.

Gosh, hope that helps and I'm sorry you're having to be part of this journey of her's. She must honestly love you very much on whatever level to let you see some of it!!

-Jen

 

[Tinyflame]

Kers- yes, exactly- thank you for finding the words to express what I could not.

 

[Learning123]

Wow! Thank you very much to all of you, I'm really grateful that you took the time to reply and help me to learn about this.

I think the broken toy analogy and the faulty connections idea is something that I can use in my thinking and I'm really glad I posted this question (I was a little nervous about asking something that seemed a little intrusive).

superjen, that is an amazing insight into how this must be for her and it's given me a better understanding (if understanding is the right word) of this. Thanks, you've been really good to me on this forum. I think you are right about loving me - I've learned to identify that she lets me in because she loves me and that gives me so much strength.

I have to say though, every minute of every day I'm sorry that she is going through this, but I'm not sorry to be part of this journey with her, I'm honoured when she opens up and lets me in and I'm here for as long as she wants me to be. My therapist said to me yesterday: "is it really worth it?" and without hesitation my response was this: "If someone you loved were to be involved in an accident and came out of it with brain damage, would you walk away? this is no different as far as I am concerned, this is not her fault and she can't help it, I was committed to her before and I'm committed to her now even if we aren't together, and if the grass is greener on the other side then I will water my own" her response - "I can see why it's worth it, you love her don't you"

Yes I do!

Thanks guys, to know that you all took the time to sit down and reply is a strength to me in itself and I hope that, in time I can do the same for you.