Broken

[Sammy]

Thanks. I ate a little and then slept a few hours this afternoon. Going to bed early. Nasty headache this evening. I think sleep is in order. Don't want to experience that one again! I have had smaller ones but this one had me shaking uncontrollably, chest pain, couldn't breathe. Luckily, I have good friends. Called one of them who knows about panic attacks and she helped me get calm enough to get home safely. As I said, don't need to experience that one again!

 

[Reclusive]

Good, I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself. Panic attacks suck in every which way - they drain you mentally, physically, and spiritually (if you're into that). Just be good to yourself. I'm glad your friend was able to help you calm down and safe!

Do you know what triggered it so you can avoid/minimize in the future?

 

[Sammy]

I have no idea what triggered the attack. It came on so fast. I was supposed to teach but knew I couldn't. I was trying to write some quick sub plans, hands shaking so hard I could barely hold a pen, and all kinds of people were coming into the room, making it all much worse. I couldn't get out the door fast enough. It was awful! I have never told folks at work that I have PTSD. None of their business. I lied and said my asthma caused it. I was kind of freaked out and now I keep wondering when the next one is going to happen. I hate it. It is like the PTSD has has been fed into some kind of out of control creature that is now stalking me and waiting for it's next opportunity to attack. It has taken on a new kind of life. Life just became even less safe.

 

[ronin47]

Kudos for reaching out in a moment of crisis. I understand what you mean when you say just talking about it all the time doesn't feel helpful. I can stress enough just how important it is not to isolate yourself, but it's just as important, if not more so, to equip yourself with the tools to actually cope with your trauma and regulate emotion. Are you seeing a therapist? Those are the two things every trauma survivor should have; professional help and non-professional support.

 

[Sammy]

I do have a therapist. I called him the day of the panic attack. Considering what I have going on, he said it is pretty good that it took this long for me to have an attack. Comforting and scary all at once. I have support and I try to reach out when I feel overwhelmed. Most of the time, I just don't even want to get out of bed, much less go to work. There is good but when buried in the midst of depression and anxiety, it is hard to see.
Thank goodness for Atavan... :confused:

 

[OKRADLAK]

I hope you keep coming back. There is a lot of wisdom here and kindness, too. You are not alone! :)

 

[Sammy]

Said good-bye to students at one school and start with a new school Tuesday. Got a note from one of the kids, calling me his mom in the U.S. Makes me wonder what he'd think if he knew who I am on the inside... A messy, heartbroken, damaged person taking anti-anxiety drugs to get through the day and wishing I wouldn't feel all the things I feel. I'd rather be numb than feel like a thousand little pieces of hurt.

 

[Sammy]

I want to quit.

 

[Nighthawk]

I wish I had some wise words that would help you. I have severe panic attacks and I don't want you to feel alone. I can say the ride goes up and down and hopefully we can achieve middle at least that is a goal I have, I am glad you have come here for support.

Lending you a habd if you need one

NH

 

[Heather]

Sammy - How is your dog doing? I'm guessing that's him in your avatar. He is so beautiful.

Hang in there. Heather

 

[Sammy]

That actually isn't her but looks just like her in her younger years. She isn't well. We had her to the vet yesterday and I thought it would be her last day because Wednesday was awful. But, she was better and my husband backed down. So, she is home, sleeping a lot. My spouse hasn't been taking care of her as much as I so he doesn't really see she doesn't feel well. I am making him help with her more - got him up at 5:30 this morning to help get her downstairs and out. Expecting hIm to come home over lunch. She didn't look good this morning but was better this afternoon. So, we wait and see. Personally, I hope she passes in her sleep and it is over. I hate seeing her feel crummy. It breaks my heart.

My mood goes up and down. Mostly down. I have been better about taking the Ativan because it helps keep me from panicking. I can't say I think more clearly but the thoughts aren't going in 50 directions at once. I try to adjust my definition of success... For now it is getting to the end of the day.

 

[Heather]

I hope when his time comes he passes peacefully.

I'll be thinking of you both.

Hugs. Heather