Broken

[Belle]

I know it is selfish to exist like this.

I tried to get well, but every corner I turn there is another challenge or set back.

I don't feel strong anymore.

People talk to me and I answer, my voice sounds unreal, the words I speak from a film.

I watch people as if I am in another world.

Everything hurts. Every interaction. Even with family and friends.

The only thing that is real is the interactions with the child who threatened me with a knife. We are both struggling in a fog. I see him switch off sometimes and I want to be in that place too.

How can it be that the only person who understands is the person I want to run away from?

I want to scream. Six weeks in that classroom. Feels like a prison sentences.

I am scared he will attack me when he knows I am leaving. I have to send a letter out this week.

I am scared that there is nothing left worth living for. I am broken. I try to collect all the pieces to make a new version of me. But it doesn't seem to work.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Belle))) Sadly I recognise the feeling of wanting to be near the abuser, because only they understand what really happened as only they were there at the time. But I don't know how to make it better.

But you can count down the days until your new life begins, away from him. And please keep talking about it.

 

[Belle]

He won't leave me alone, stares at me, wants to touch me, it feels like abuse. I don't want to hear from a teenage boy that my skin is so soft.

My boss brushes it off. He says it is normal and just a crush. But does a crush last for a year and make someone feel frightened? No, no, no.

My staff say he fancies me, he is grooming me, they ask me how can I bear to be near him.

They make me feel as if it is all my fault. I feel I should dress from head to toe in dark colours.

Maybe I should wear a sack.

Flying away tomorrow.

I might not come back.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Belle, given that this boy has previously attacked you, it is very wrong for your complaint not to be taken seriously.

Never mind the ignorance of others. If you can, get someone to help you put it into writing and make an official complaint. Or ask a senior person for a meeting to get across the seriousness of the situation.

People do brush these things under the rug because they just don't 'get it'. But it's up to you to make sure that you are heard. You deserve better than this.

I hope you will come back, here at least. And hope to see you in York.