Bully At Work

[ladybug08]

I love my job, but there is a toxic person at work that I have to deal with at times. It is very apparent that he is not happy, so he takes it out on everyone. When he is happy, everyone is happy, when he is not, watch out!! He reminds me so much of my mother who is also not happy, and behaves the same way. My mom bullied me while growing up, on top of that is an alcoholic, personality disorder, physical and emotional abuse, so it was choas all the time. I keep my distance from mom, hence in therapy, minimal contact, and this has helped so much that I am a different person, and my flashbacks are not as bad. On the other hand when I have to deal with this bully, I get sick, numb, irritable, it changes me, the flashbacks, and I hate that feeling. :wall:
You cannot reason with this person, very vendictive, so you have to watch your back if you are the center of his rage.
I refuse to transfer because everywhere you work there is always a bully in the workplace. Any suggestions to deal with this fool?

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Ladybug, I think it's a great start that you can identify what bothers you and where it started.

I really don't have any advice on how to deal with bullies because I know that they are not going to change. Therefore, I think the change will have to start with you. Not that anything is wrong with you, but it's how you learn to deal with bullies. There are self help books out there for understanding anger, and dealing with bullies.

I have a book on understanding anger (my own and others) it has helped put anger into perspective so that I can start changing how I react to angry people plus I'm learning not to throw anger onto other people. It's a work in progress.

Good luck
Tammy

 

[Moonshadow]

You are able to recognize that it's him, not you. That's the biggest first step.

I don't know if this will help, but sometimes I try to picture such people like an insolent child. It doesn't necessarily make the problem of him go away, but it may help a little in not letting him trigger you.

Obviously, that person is miserable, and wants to spread his misery around. Try to remember that he may be an a-hole to everyone around him, but he has to live in his own hellish world, and you can remove yourself from his presence. When he goes home at night, he is just as unhappy as he is the rest of the day.

Other than finding a basic coping mechanism, to keep him from dragging you down, try to watch your back and cover your ass. If it becomes a bigger problem, speak to his superior.

If there are many people in your workplace who find him difficult to deal with, perhaps several of you could voice a complaint to his superior, either in a letter signed by everyone, or in a group meeting.

The world is full of jerks. Good luck dealing with this one.

 

[Vapor]

he sounds like a troll. Id make his life miserable.

bah .. i guess im not in a good mood tonight.

 

[ladybug08]

Hi Ladybug, I think it's a great start that you can identify what bothers you and where it started.

I really don't have any advice on how to deal with bullies because I know that they are not going to change. Therefore, I think the change will have to start with you. Not that anything is wrong with you, but it's how you learn to deal with bullies. There are self help books out there for understanding anger, and dealing with bullies.

I have a book on understanding anger (my own and others) it has helped put anger into perspective so that I can start changing how I react to angry people plus I'm learning not to throw anger onto other people. It's a work in progress.

Good luck
Tammy

I agree. I do have to learn how to deal with bullies. I do know the reason I feel the way I do, because like said he reminds me so, so much of my mom. He is very angry, and toxic. I feel so helpless that I can't think, and that's what drives me crazy. I feel like a helpless child. I just freeze. I am a bright person, but when it comes to angry people, I'm useless. I also need to read books on bullies, and angry people. :poke:

thanks

 

[Deleted member 541]

Bullies are nothing more than cowards that use scare tactics to get away with shit. If you or someone else stood up to this person he would back down. Bullies are chicken shits and use their mouths and can't back up with actions.

 

[ladybug08]

Bullies are nothing more than cowards that use scare tactics to get away with shit. If you or someone else stood up to this person he would back down. Bullies are chicken shits and use their mouths and can't back up with actions.

Exactly :thumbs-up

 

[ladybug08]

I do feel so much better since I vented. :smile:

Thanks for the answers.

 

[piri]

Bullies are nothing more than cowards that use scare tactics to get away with shit. If you or someone else stood up to this person he would back down. Bullies are chicken shits and use their mouths and can't back up with actions.

well, i think this is a too simple view on bullies. To my experience they can be really good at backing up with actions. Especially if you stand up to them. They see you as a threath and then they are at "war". Ladybug, you must never underestimate a bully! The way you describe your bully tells me that it is likely that he have "good" social skills :
When he is happy, everyone is happy, when he is not, watch out!!

He is likely to have good intuition about people, what are their weaker points, and to use it in his everyday game. Since you are already woulnerable to this abusive behaviour, I will strongly recommend you to not go against him alone. He will problably read your fears and weak points as an open book, and always be a step ahead of you. It is also a risk that he is very good at manipulating others against you. And because of your experiences with your mom and your ptsd, you will not be able to act rationally and calm, because he triggers your trauma. But keep in mind that he doesn't react this way, in fact he can be very calculating.

I'm sorry I don't have a really good advice for you, I feel I should, because this was my trauma that caused my ptsd, and I don't want to tell people that they must accept bullies. So my best advice is that you must do something, but be absolutely sure you are NOT ALONE!!

 

[Rivergirl]

Yeah I kind of agree with Piri. Bullies often are just looking to pick a fight and if you stand up to them alone they try to turn it on you and make you into the sh-t disturber.
I read a great book several years ago (that I bet is out of print, but maybe you can run across a used copy or one at a library). "Nasty People: How To Stop Being Hurt By Them Without Becoming One of Them" by Jay Carter, published by Dorset Press in 1989. Fairly short, and useful. But there are other good ones out there too. Check Amazon and search the word "bully".
There was also a good book (and more recent) about emotional abuse in the workplace, but on checking my shelves I see I don't have it any more. Phooey.

Rivergirl

 

[Deleted member 541]

Well you may be right, but I for one will NOT back down from a bully. I have gone toe to toe with a drunk, 6 ft tall that was beating the shit out of his girlfriend. He had her by the neck and was holding her against the wall with her feet off the floor. I walked into her apartment and screamed at him to get out. Not a panic scream either. He left!

There have been MANY times in my life that I have literally got into arguments with drunks, druggies, and just plain mean SOB's. I will not back down. I show no fear, stand my ground, and I get my point across and I win.

 

[ladybug08]

well, i think this is a too simple view on bullies. To my experience they can be really good at backing up with actions. Especially if you stand up to them. They see you as a threath and then they are at "war". Ladybug, you must never underestimate a bully! The way you describe your bully tells me that it is likely that he have "good" social skills :
When he is happy, everyone is happy, when he is not, watch out!!

He is likely to have good intuition about people, what are their weaker points, and to use it in his everyday game. Since you are already woulnerable to this abusive behaviour, I will strongly recommend you to not go against him alone. He will problably read your fears and weak points as an open book, and always be a step ahead of you. It is also a risk that he is very good at manipulating others against you. And because of your experiences with your mom and your ptsd, you will not be able to act rationally and calm, because he triggers your trauma. But keep in mind that he doesn't react this way, in fact he can be very calculating.

I'm sorry I don't have a really good advice for you, I feel I should, because this was my trauma that caused my ptsd, and I don't want to tell people that they must accept bullies. So my best advice is that you must do something, but be absolutely sure you are NOT ALONE!!

You are right. This person is very manipulative. When he is at work, he runs the show. This person is dangerous. An exact copy of my mom. And he does trigger my trauma. So I have to be careful.