Ok so I have to get some serious information here as I have run into brick walls time after time even with confiding all of my problems no matter how embarassing.
Last year in October I decided to get clean off of drugs, went to detox, rehab. In rehab I started having physical issues like anal leakage and all which was awful when having to go to group rooms all day and N.A. meetings. People were understanding there so I wasn't as traumatized by the situation.
I went to a halfway house afterwards because it was recommended by the rehab but I was still having these physical problems. I was getting teased, made fun of, laughed at constantly. I dissociated from everybody and everything because there was really nothing I could say. I tried to go to the hospital and they thought it was me being paranoid but obviously people noticed what was going on so they put me on lithium as instead of treating the problem. I got back to the halfway house and me and this kid got into an arguement because when I went to the hospital I had to leave my stuff in the house. I noticed my ipod was missing and knew who took it.
Long story short he was this ego maniac trying to act tough and make a scene in front of a bunch of people but I ended up making him look like the fool by being calm and collective. He couldn't handle it so he set up a plot to try to hit me. He walked past and I could see he was about to do it n I just stared dead at him and he cowarded which drove him even crazier. So the next night I went out to where everyone has to take breathalizers. and he of course was trying to put on a show in front of a group of people because thats what bullies and insecure little bitches do. Anyway he started just making comments about me. Loud enough so I could hear them. And he got to one where he says " yo look at his hands he's got the tiniest hands" inferencing my penis size I guess. That was always my worst fear was that people would think my dick is small because my hands are, and since I'm fairly insecure about my self I had my self convinced that it was small when it wasnt anyway. I tried to ignore the comment but I felt my body changing and reacting to it. My penis contracted into my stomache and I felt a huge fuse blow in my head. By the way this is after the whole place was getting on my about my leakage issues and the fact that my hair wasn't cut mind you I was in a halfway house where most of these people were RICH and in comparrison I was the poor kid.
The next morning we walked out for a morning meeting that we had and people were just laughing at me, some girls were crying as if they could feel that I seriously died inside. I was contemplating on beating the shit out of this kid, when all the sudden my impluses took over and threw me into a blind furry that took me out of the situation, I starred the guy down who made the comment and his body physically shook and his eyes literally rolled around in his head I guess with the amount of energy I was putting out. and I felt bad for him and walked away. This made him look even more like a dumbass. But this comment that caused my penis to suck into my stomach and my mind to become paranoid and my feelings to become dead emotionally around people.
I didnt realize how much this affected me until I got back home to Maryland.
I became very vicious angry, irritable, meticlulous, and worst of all. When I get around people I feel lower than anyone else. Like all confidence was stripped away from me and when I get around other guys I either feel extremely frozen with anger/fear or I have this lump in the pit of my stomache and my balls will clenched up and I will kind of have this high and hurt voice as if I seriously got robbed of my manhood in that scenario.
It's been about 7 months and I can't hold even the simplest job not because I can't do the job, but because I am so off putting and give off this energy to other guys that makes them uncomfortable. I hate putting myself in the same sentenced comparing myself to other guys but just like the sexual abuse did, this made me feel distant and dominated, and then this incident happened and made it a shit load times worse.
I can;t hang out with my friends, I'm constantly depressed and suicidal. I came to the theory that I did the right thing in civilian life by not fighting the guy, but I should have f*cked him up on a primitive level. Either way I just felt bad for how much I scared him and just walked away. I felt my the tip of my penis burn when I walked out of " the ring" and since then everything, mind, body, spirit, has just been so off balance and people literally would just rather not be around me.
It's all in the senses to I just feel so beat down and ostricized by my own race and was introduced to my worst fear when I was already dead from having these physical and mental problems everyday. Now I am trying to get into a long term psych place to assess whether something really went wrong that could be detected. I have a hard time just saying that this is just PSTD and things will get better. I have a feeling if tests were done, studies that observe and analyze data with how I interact and the energy that occurs around other people, that more would get accomplished. Thats just my crazy theory though maybe because I have no other hope anywhere else.
Please read and help me with any information you can. I am 21 years old and I don;t want to waste everything that I actually do have on a horrible memory and let evil win.
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Last year in October I decided to get clean off of drugs, went to detox, rehab. In rehab I started having physical issues like anal leakage and all which was awful when having to go to group rooms all day and N.A. meetings. People were understanding there so I wasn't as traumatized by the situation.
I went to a halfway house afterwards because it was recommended by the rehab but I was still having these physical problems. I was getting teased, made fun of, laughed at constantly. I dissociated from everybody and everything because there was really nothing I could say. I tried to go to the hospital and they thought it was me being paranoid but obviously people noticed what was going on so they put me on lithium as instead of treating the problem. I got back to the halfway house and me and this kid got into an arguement because when I went to the hospital I had to leave my stuff in the house. I noticed my ipod was missing and knew who took it.
Long story short he was this ego maniac trying to act tough and make a scene in front of a bunch of people but I ended up making him look like the fool by being calm and collective. He couldn't handle it so he set up a plot to try to hit me. He walked past and I could see he was about to do it n I just stared dead at him and he cowarded which drove him even crazier. So the next night I went out to where everyone has to take breathalizers. and he of course was trying to put on a show in front of a group of people because thats what bullies and insecure little bitches do. Anyway he started just making comments about me. Loud enough so I could hear them. And he got to one where he says " yo look at his hands he's got the tiniest hands" inferencing my penis size I guess. That was always my worst fear was that people would think my dick is small because my hands are, and since I'm fairly insecure about my self I had my self convinced that it was small when it wasnt anyway. I tried to ignore the comment but I felt my body changing and reacting to it. My penis contracted into my stomache and I felt a huge fuse blow in my head. By the way this is after the whole place was getting on my about my leakage issues and the fact that my hair wasn't cut mind you I was in a halfway house where most of these people were RICH and in comparrison I was the poor kid.
The next morning we walked out for a morning meeting that we had and people were just laughing at me, some girls were crying as if they could feel that I seriously died inside. I was contemplating on beating the shit out of this kid, when all the sudden my impluses took over and threw me into a blind furry that took me out of the situation, I starred the guy down who made the comment and his body physically shook and his eyes literally rolled around in his head I guess with the amount of energy I was putting out. and I felt bad for him and walked away. This made him look even more like a dumbass. But this comment that caused my penis to suck into my stomach and my mind to become paranoid and my feelings to become dead emotionally around people.
I didnt realize how much this affected me until I got back home to Maryland.
I became very vicious angry, irritable, meticlulous, and worst of all. When I get around people I feel lower than anyone else. Like all confidence was stripped away from me and when I get around other guys I either feel extremely frozen with anger/fear or I have this lump in the pit of my stomache and my balls will clenched up and I will kind of have this high and hurt voice as if I seriously got robbed of my manhood in that scenario.
It's been about 7 months and I can't hold even the simplest job not because I can't do the job, but because I am so off putting and give off this energy to other guys that makes them uncomfortable. I hate putting myself in the same sentenced comparing myself to other guys but just like the sexual abuse did, this made me feel distant and dominated, and then this incident happened and made it a shit load times worse.
I can;t hang out with my friends, I'm constantly depressed and suicidal. I came to the theory that I did the right thing in civilian life by not fighting the guy, but I should have f*cked him up on a primitive level. Either way I just felt bad for how much I scared him and just walked away. I felt my the tip of my penis burn when I walked out of " the ring" and since then everything, mind, body, spirit, has just been so off balance and people literally would just rather not be around me.
It's all in the senses to I just feel so beat down and ostricized by my own race and was introduced to my worst fear when I was already dead from having these physical and mental problems everyday. Now I am trying to get into a long term psych place to assess whether something really went wrong that could be detected. I have a hard time just saying that this is just PSTD and things will get better. I have a feeling if tests were done, studies that observe and analyze data with how I interact and the energy that occurs around other people, that more would get accomplished. Thats just my crazy theory though maybe because I have no other hope anywhere else.
Please read and help me with any information you can. I am 21 years old and I don;t want to waste everything that I actually do have on a horrible memory and let evil win.
<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>
