Burning Mattress Help Needed...

[ladee]

@Stickler, this may not apply to you at all. But I was in a similar relationship for over 10 years. We were so toxic together. And it was way after the fact, in therapy, that I come to realize, for me, I was somewhat addicted to the chaos, and certainly didn't really believe I deserved better. I made my mistakes, he made his... But we were absolutely not good together... I pray you can hang tuff and stay away until the first wave of hurt is over. It is hard. But you and the little alters deserve to be safe at all cost ...

 

[Anarchy]

The thing is he is where he is. Not that he WANTS to be there, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. But his pathology doesn't mix with yours real well.

wot Scout wrote^^^^^

Yous can both be lovely peoples, but, if your demons refuse to play nice.

 

[ladee]

Sorry @blackemerald1. We said the same thing. As far as memory, we can just make stuff up... I personally won't know the difference...Sorry if it came off as I was correcting you... :hug:

 

[Chava]

Let go!! I know it's hard with someone you love, and recognizing how dysfunctional and pointless the relationship is sometimes. I just don't even do relationships, most likely because neither of my parents could do 2-way relationships. My dad was a big baby addict. Loving and sometimes sweet, but just so depressing to even talk to. Everything was about him and he really reminded me of a toddler or something. My mom was probably undiagnosed borderline. She took any amount of talking back as threat or rejection and lashed out. I don't even know what triggered her, but she was a hitter, thrower, breaker (broke a chair and a door over me...I think her rages were so bad she was dissociated...she looked so f*cked up in her eyes).

After some of my child alters said they did not trust him in late July he smashed up his furniture

You don't need that. You deserve to get away from that. It is possible to love someone and realize you need to stay away from them. I like how my therapist says feelings aren't always mutually exclusive. Like I can even still love my mom. Do I hang out with her? No, not really (live about 1,000 miles away)...but I do love her.

I like the burning mattress metaphor because not only is it something you are hauling around and don't need, but it could engulf or destroy you. Watch out for that. :cautious::nailbiting:

 

[Kailani]

Love your writing!!!! No burning mattresses!!! The future awaits you!!!!!

 

[joeylittle]

I can't remain sane and remain with him

I think this is the important fact to hold onto. Whose fault it is actually doesn't matter. So what if it is yours? (I'm not saying it is, just making an example). If you can't be the best version of you - all of you - the version that can take care of self and alters, and exist in the world, and be OK, maybe even happy eventually...If you can't do that and be with him at the same time, then you can't be with him, regardless of how you learned that fact.

What you are doing is hard, but it sounds necessary.

 

[blackemerald1]

@ladee not a problem, I am fine with you knowing that quote & fixing it for me.
I just have bits of my memory missing & I am far from home where my really big book really is... I hope
err dam memory again. Lol

 

[ladee]

@blackemerald1, Me too with the memory. Probably the reason I remembered it is because I do this every single day !! Same stuff over and over !!:roflmao:

 

[Stickler]

I miss him...but I miss the wonderful guy he was at the start.

Not the selfish, angry, vindictive guy that was emerging.

The screwy thing? They are both in there.

Since I too have to battle between being angel and asshole...the difference is to ***own***one's crappy behavior and work on it.
I try to own and work on my bad behaviors, the places where I'm ugly. Sometimes I succeed.
He doesn't look at it and work on it.
Meaning that the beautiful man he could be is subsumed into an extremely immature, terrified, pinch hearted person.

I'm immensely sad for him too.
This just hurts so much.

 

[ladee]

You are describing my feelings and my ex in your writing. I do understand. The pain would go thru me like a sharp cold wind. I couldn't catch my breath sometimes. I literally felt as tho I was going to die. I know that pain @Stickler, and it is the worst. No fix for it. To take him back into my life for short periods, ahhhh, the pain was gone. Then we started all over again...I absolutely could not deal with the pain.. I do understand what you are feeling.. I had to accept that I may 'relapse' behind those feelings and take him back time and again, until the pain of what I was putting myself thru, was bigger than the pain of not being around him... you have to do what you have to do.. no judgement here... I totally understand... my heart hurts for you because I have been there... sending you lots and lots of :hug:'s this morning.

 

[blackemerald1]

Take responsibility for your own issues, which you have been doing.

As sad & heart breaking as it is, he must learn his lessons in life - that he must also take responsibility for his behavior & issues.

It seems after such a long relationship, where you have grit your teeth & begun the journey to the best you can be. He is not willing to do so for you or for himself.

Yes, sad for him & sad for you.

But, if you don't leave & never look back then I suggest this man will never face his demons, that would be sad for him, but at least you have given him all you have.

So you go knowing that, therefore no regrets, or at least less regret.

You are not leaving someone who cannot ever face his demon's, you are leaving someone who will not face his demon's. Massive difference there.

However sad it is for you, I fear if you stayed, you may never feel safe, never fulfill your own desires for the future.

 

[Stickler]

You are not leaving someone who cannot ever face his demon's, you are leaving someone who will not face his demon's. Massive difference there.

Precisely...I *think* it's a combination of fear that he can't pull it off and a huge dose of self-sabotage, plus fear of closeness that he hasn't admitted to himself yet.

As far as fulfilling my dreams for the future...he WAS that.

Plus I'm looking at my core beliefs about me, my vulnerabilities...I don't think I am capable of having the kind of close relationship I want.
I am fairly sure that's not going to change in the next few years.
I have serious doubts about it ever changing.
I am too damaged to do it.
...So walking away from him feels like...I am consciously deciding that I'm not going to try again?
Because everyone I've been with has become emotionally abusive.
Apparently I select emotionally abusive people to love.
...I don't want to try anymore, it's not worth it.

I don't really have any dreams for the future...I have to go get a degree so I can make enough money to be self-supporting? But there's no joy in that now. Just...kind of dread. It's just about lurching along until I die about 25 or 30 years from now, less if lucky.