Dom Violence "but He Loves Me And Promises He Will Never Do It Again..."

[Justmehere]

My friend keeps saying this about her ex, who raped her several times over several months. I know she is super trauma bonded to him. I am proud of her for finally leaving him. She can recognize he's unhealthy for her but she can't tolerate being alone and wants to run back to him and she is starting to say this... again...

She asks me for advice and right now I want to tell her STOP justifying the behavior of a rapist! Please stop...

I have done this myself, I'm a survivor of domestic violence of a different kind. I know the deep pain of being alone. Now from the outside, it's really hard to support someone in the midst of this kind of thinking.

Needed to vent for a moment here so I wouldn't vent at her. I found more useful things to say to her, maybe... but right now I needed to vent here so I won't vent at her. It breaks my heart to hear her try to justify going back to such a dangerous person.

 

[RussH]

Unless he goes to some rather intensive counseling he will never stop, and she needs to stay away from him.

 

[trying2movefwd]

You are talking about me. I miss him and want him back, this is exactly how I think at times. I left him mostly because the sexual violence was beginning to effect the kids. But I realize the damage he did to me now (in this moment ); I won't be able to trust him. When I actually get near him ,Im filled with fear...and I pent up, tense up, suppress, and then lose it later..i.e. court hearings, legal proceedings.

 

[Justmehere]

@trying2movefwd - I admire your courage to break free and leave him! That's huge. It's really common to for people who have left abuser to miss them for awhile... Is there anything that makes it easier for you to *not* go back to him? Is there anything helpful that a supporter can do?

I wish I knew what to say to my friend.

 

[trying2movefwd]

In my situation, the children's attorney, and counselors have warned me that if i go back to him, the children will be put in foster care. Sadly I probably would have gone back if that had not been so...but that could've been fatal for me...and I am not saying it would have been at his hands either. ..being used like that over and over after becoming aware of what is going on is one of the most depressdepressive states to be in...at least it was for me... I still struggle, but it would be amplified in that environment and isolation would be forced.

 

[trying2movefwd]

As far as support, being there for her through thick and thin no matter her choices will be huge.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's also ok if you can't ----- for the sake of your own healing ------ watch someone who proceeds to ultimately destroy themselves. (I know I couldn't. I mean I do stand by people in rough times, but if their stuff exacerbates my issues, I do indeed back off.)

 

[Justmehere]

It's really tough. I like being friends and I want to stay friends...

I also want to send her articles like "how to know you are in a toxic relationship."

She is asking for advice but I'm not sure it's advice she is really asking for - but permission to go dive deep into toxic relationships.

My hunch is that I need to not give advice. Maybe next time I can ask her what she would hope I would do if I were in the same position? Would that be inappropriate?

 

[RussH]

Is she asking for advice, or approval?

 

[Justmehere]

I think both. She says it's advice she wants, and thanks me almost every time "for telling me what I don't want to hear." But I think she wants approval too - it's almost always the same question: should I stay with him or go back to him? Every time I say no.

I think much of the time, she just wants a sounding board, a listening ear. I try to be that most of all.

But it's hard and confusing when she keeps asking if she should go back to him.

 

[shimmerz]

Is there a women's centre near by to her? Or an abuse outreach centre? I am not certain that you would be qualified, given the complexities of a heavily abusive situation to properly advise her. Can you tell her that?

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, that's the biggest thing I keep encouraging her to check into. She refuses to connect to various professional supports like the rape crisis center and etc. She has a million reasons why she can't or won't reach out to them.She did finally speak to a victim advocacy attorney, and they are helping her press charges, and I do often tell her she needs to talk to the attorney about these decisions because they could impact the case against the second perp. I tried a couple time the courage even connecting to other professional supports but she declines most of it. I also keep encouraging she talk to her therapist about all of it and to tell him everything she is telling me. I don't want to enable her not reaching out to those professional supports. I'm not sure how much she is reaching out or not, and I don't want to pry. She is almost committed to doing intensive treatment and most of the time when she wants to go back to him, I encourage she invest in treatment as priority number one and then it will get easier to sort out if she should return to him or not. She seems to understand that pretty well.