Childhood But it wasn't all bad

[Candleflames]

Since my dad died a few months ago I've been feeling especially disconnected and empty. I've come to accept that the abuse did happen and was bad enough to cause ptsd, intellectually at least. Lately I keep going over my childhood and thinking "but it wasn't all bad". There were ice creams and beach visits, carnivals, and other fun times. Yet the abuse really was horrific. I know this too because if it happened to my child....

So is this part of my minimizing my own pain and experiences? Is this part of mourning a man that gave me this tainted life? I'm so confused, scared, sad, and empty.

 

[hithere]

Since my dad died a few months ago I've been feeling especially disconnected and empty. I've come...

I know it's confusing. I think it is ok to acknowledge the good times, the fun times, the times there was wisdom imparted, the resources of extended family. I think it's important to acknowledge that I loved my father and have positive feelings about many gifts and resources I received growing up. However, it's also very important to acknowledge the outrageous horrific abuses endured and never dealt with. It's part of being whole.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Lately I keep going over my childhood and thinking "but it wasn't all bad".

My father was/is a pedophile and a serial killer who taught me how to hunt and kill like him. It wasn't all bad. I remember peaceful times with him. I remember fun times with him. I have vivid memories of his beautiful singing voice and excellent piano playing and me sitting beside him. Then the memories fade to his abuse of me and others.

I'm a writer and they say that the villains in novels can't be all bad because no one is all bad. The same is true in real life. It's normal and healthy to remember the good times as well as the bad ones.

That reminds of Star Wars and Luke Skywalker seeing the good in his father Darth Vader.

 

[ElleKaye]

Luke definitely was pretty good at seeing the good in Vader, considering Vader's troopers killed Owen and Beru (his only family he ever really knew up to that point), he blew up his sister's planet, plus he cut off his arm, so yeah, Luke, definitely was good at seeing some good in Vader in the end, maybe it was easier for him since Vader didn't raise him, so he didn't have any childhood memories with him????

 

[Deleted member 8714]

maybe it was easier for him since Vader didn't raise him, so he didn't have any childhood memories with him????

For me it was part of remembering what happened; the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all.

I could so much relate to Luke Skywalker since my father broke my arm, and I eventually lost my ability to use my left hand. I used to be left handed.

My new T asked me last week if I remembered any good memories about my father. I know if I said no she'd know that I hadn't gotten very far in my healing journey.