Sufferer C Ptsd

[Sedd]

Hi, does anyone understand.

Childhood, possible sexual abused, locked in storage room by first school teacher, bullied by teachers and no support, no friends, rejected, and more .....so I was it.

Fast forward 20 years, 1 day, the thought " everyone will know" startled me. I didn't understand why this fear appeared, yet I noticed shortly after, that this part wanted to create shame thoughts that I will be hated. ( isolation protection). I know this fear wants to be unescapable so the "protection" remains.

After another 20 years of trying to live a half normal yet restricted life by these self created shame thoughts, I had enough and decided to challenge this part that creates shame ideas to shutdown ( if they know, they will hate, creating and ensuring the safety of isolation).

This in itself is a traumatic experience as this part wants the protection ( that I now don't need ) to remain so I stay isolated safe.

There is almost an endangerment element to it, If I analyse and drop a fear, another often scarier will replace it so I will be hated and alone. ( same as childhood). I feel this part is a stuck part that sees the only safety is within myself and wants to be left alone, to the point of creating my own shame so I will be hated and alone.

So yes this part is often active in creating my fear of "everyone will know, hate. Maybe "everyone will know" is from the possible sexual abuse and I was threatened "everyone will know" if I say anything.

Not a great feeling, and I can't find any information about self creating my own internal fear/ shame.

Shamed and safety after rejection = isolation.
Thanks

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Take your time reading the information, especially the threads with the sticky pins.

 

[aka]

Hi, welcome to the forum. This site has a lot of use full information and many other suffers to interact with. I have not been on the forum for very long but it has helped me to feel not as isolated and alone. Seeing as my trauma included neglectful teachers as well I hope this place can help you as well.

 

[garden]

I understand the isolation. I've spent so many years doing that, just staying in my comfy little circle, not addressing the feelings of shame and guilt that I feel when I know I have to see people, not even connecting them to my actions. It's an awful feeling.

Recently I realized that I always wake up (if I've actually slept) feeling sad and anxious, I just don't know how to feel safe. I think what you're feeling is to be expected, but we somehow don't accept this about ourselves. We don't really allow ourselves to feel and accept what we're feeling so then we isolate.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Sedd]

Hi all, first, thanks for letting me unload..yet again

Protection from rejection.

After much, much, much thought, I dont know how to handle so much pain, When I was a child due to my traumas which involved being, bullied, ridiculed, rejected, hated, abandoned, I learnt that the only safety was being alone.

These feelings seem seriously too much to dive back into again.

Yet as an adult I want to be free but this protection creates a "part" of me that wants to scream leave me alone " you cant touch me" and then creates shame thoughts to be hated and abandoned by especially those I'm closest to.

Its almost like to stay safe this part must have this fear of everyone will hate me, and the only safety is alone.

I know this is a massive protection process, but its hard to live free when part of me is still wanting this, does anyone else have this type of protection ???

Everyone must reject me, I must be hated to activate this protection that part of me wants.

I know this is "BS" but the protection is there and doesn't want to go.

Thanks again

 

[Shellbell]

Sedd, welcome to the PTSD forum :)

So much of what you said I identify with. I have also learned from childhood, that my 'safe place' is alone, relying on no-one. I get more confused by people being nice, than people hurting me. Hurting me I get and I know how to deal with it.

It's a challenge now for me to accept people actually care and don't have self serving motives and not withdraw fearing the worst. Trust is not easy and if I don't let people in, I have less potential for hurt, rejection, abandonment and I'm trying to change this. People really do care.

I am working on this with my therapist.

I hope you find your way through this too, it's so hard I know.

Shellbell

 

[Sedd]

Thank you for your reply, my pain is that I have many caring people who want to be there for me, but this part creates the fear that they will hate me and to protect from this hate, I isolate myself from the very people I love.
I have a feeling of safer to be alone, and if they hate me then my protection of hate ensures I will never feel that pain again.
Almost like I need to have this unescapable protection, so I create what I need to protect from.

 

[Sedd]

Does anyone know of any books, articles that relate to this sort of trauma / protection?
An inner protector that still sees me as a 5 year old, scared, alone, possibly shamed, rejected and absolutely the only safe place is alone in my world, and is very clever in keeping that fear alive and well? I find when I have an understanding of these thoughts I no longer fear them, because I know what they are trying to do.
The fear returns because I am to scared to drop this protection.

I hope everyone can have some kind of nice day on Christmas, if your alone, maybe hug a pet, or visit some nature, the power of the waves hitting the beach, the beauty of a bird gliding through the sky, be kind to yourself.

 

[Fia]

I have been so well for so long. But stuff has happend that triggers and today at christmas dinner with new family I got triggered again.

It's to do with abandonment. It's from when I was only 3. The only thing I can do feeling like this is to be alone. I can't stand anybody seeing me upset. I went for a walk. I laid down in a bedroom. It past. But it scared the shit out of me that I can still feel like this.

Will I ever be safe? For me the thoughts and needs of wanting to be alone is because I can't stand to have to keep the pretence up of being fine. I have made up my mind to leave my boyfriend and live alone if I don't get better. But then again I never disliked lonliness but found strength in it.

But not day and night, week after week. I think both is the best. Company and solitude. I'm reading a lot at the moment to understand as much as I can about myself as I also find understanding helps, so I will keep and eye open for what you are looking for.

Happy Christmas!

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi and Welcome to the Forum. I am so glad you have found us.

On the home page are some excellent articles. Keep writing and reading, you are not alone here.