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Can’t picture myself living with this for that long- Anyone else feel this way?

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I think i knew right away and tried handle it on my own using coping skills etc.
figured i could handle it on my own but just really continued declining for like 4 years before finally deciding to go back to p-doc and get help


heh... no. and it actually wasn't ptsd that messed shit up at first... ptsd was actually probably the last of my disorders to rear its ugly head..

i do this thing where im like "i had a good month! im cured!!" and then jump into a lot of stuff waaaaay too fast.
I was on meds to start with, I was seeing my p-doc twice a week every week, got my job etc, was doing good- then went off meds, stopped seeing my p-doc...

so- i basically set myself up to fail

I get that, can definitely relate. I noticed myself declining again a few weeks ago and thought I could handle it all by distracting myself and ‘pretending’ all is ok, I think distraction is the key word here... well I only ended up right back here didn’t I!

What is your situation now? Are you on medication now? Are you seeing a therapist at all? Are you working?

The medication thing for me has always been a bit of a sensitive subject. Whilst I understand that it is completely normal etc I am just so concerned about what it may do to me - so I’ve never actually reached out for medication! I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I already lost myself in the process of all this, I’m already extremely weary of who I am and so if I changed even more with medication that could very well be too much for me to handle. With this, I always tried other things like breathing exercises for my anxiety, or serotonin vitamins to help take the edge off the depression, sleep tea to help settle the flashbacks... I won’t deny though I’ve used a shit load of alcohol too (something I’m not particularly proud of).

I’ve never actually spoken with my GP about any of this... they are aware because my therapist wrote them a letter BUT I’ve never had the conversation with them myself. I reached out privately to a therapist who specialised in my type of trauma therapy, something about not wanting this on my record?! How foolish was I to think I could go on without people knowing I am unwell! Also my trauma therapy finished in June and that was like a real moment of ‘I’ve got to do this on my own now, I’ve got to put this all into practice’ but in times like these I’m definitely needing it more and more.

Happy birthday we have a lot of Libras. I'm the 15th. My mother, wife and one daughter are also Libras. I had several important Libra women in my past. I never figured that out except I like Libras. It's more than that though.

I was thinking about how all this is a re enactment. It's all tied together. Not just with me, its generational. I'm always trying to start over or go off in a new direction lol. I always end up at the same place. I have more awareness though and it's not really the same place exactly.

I feel like I'm not quite as prone to shooting myself in the foot as I used to be. It's subtle though.

Thank you very much, you are officially the first person to wish me a happy birthday :)

Libra’s are definitely cool, perhaps a lil too sensitive and absolutely love focused but hey, we all have our flaws!

When you say you go to start over, do you ever take action to do this? Because I think that’s my problem. I have this whole idea of how I want my life to look like but I’m too terrified to step into the unknown to make any moves in that direction. What if it ends up being worse than it is here?!
 
Thank you very much, you are officially the first person to wish me a happy birthday :)

Libra’s are definitely cool, perhaps a lil too sensitive and absolutely love focused but hey, we all have our flaws!

When you say you go to start over, do you ever take action to do this? Because I think that’s my problem. I have this whole idea of how I want my life to look like but I’m too terrified to step into the unknown to make any moves in that direction. What if it ends up being worse than it is here?!


Do I ever take action to do this? A better question would be, have I ever done anything else? New girlfriends, towns states cities countries? New jobs schools doctors drugs. New self help books therapists religions websites Seminars life coaches programs diets?

Stuff like that? Lol.
 
This is incredible, honestly I am absolutely in awe of you for this! As someone who's never actually had any hobbies and now being unable to do the social things I used to enjoy, it is super difficult to determine what 'I like' to do nowadays. I did try painting once when I was at the brink of it all prior to trauma therapy, searching for that way out, the painting is atrocious to say the least (hehe) but I suppose it kept me occupied for a little while!

One thing I will say is, I have recently been working on setting myself new and realistic goals for this new chapter of my life (it's my birthday on Sunday) and one of them is to try my best to push myself out of my comfort zones - obviously not to the extent where I am panicked or exhausted but nonetheless it is time to try new things, figure out what it really is that this new me enjoys..

Mind you, all this is the determined woman inside of me talking, I really don't feel much like her the last few weeks at all. Especially with the lack of sleep and constant flashbacks!


When issues are stuck inside, I write them down to get them outside......on paper....When sleep is an issue, I make a list of the things I'll do the next day in Notepad (although there are habit apps that I'm trying on my cell phone that are positive) I take magnesium citrate, then I take a bath with a candle, say goodbye outloud to whatever is looping in my head....and put it away in my imagination, listen to positive music to get my brain out of trauma world, do my color mindfulness (relaxation where you imagine a positive color running through your body (I like blue) and relax my muscles. If I start gravitating to thinking about "all the things I have to do the next day because I'm feeling guilty that today I was a slacker" then I write them down in my cell.....to get them out of my head. Most of all, I have a bedtime routine I really try to stick to, and my body has started to respond to the routine. I find getting stuff out of my head by writing it is really helpful, and routines are helpful.

This is incredible, honestly I am absolutely in awe of you for this! As someone who's never actually had any hobbies and now being unable to do the social things I used to enjoy, it is super difficult to determine what 'I like' to do nowadays. I did try painting once when I was at the brink of it all prior to trauma therapy, searching for that way out, the painting is atrocious to say the least (hehe) but I suppose it kept me occupied for a little while!

One thing I will say is, I have recently been working on setting myself new and realistic goals for this new chapter of my life (it's my birthday on Sunday) and one of them is to try my best to push myself out of my comfort zones - obviously not to the extent where I am panicked or exhausted but nonetheless it is time to try new things, figure out what it really is that this new me enjoys..

Mind you, all this is the determined woman inside of me talking, I really don't feel much like her the last few weeks at all. Especially with the lack of sleep and constant flashbacks!

Oh, early happy birthday!!!!
 
I think a lot of us collapse when what we used to cope no longer works, ot our bodies can't keep it up anymore. Like overworking or extreme sports, or it reminds me of the U2 line 'my demons learned to swim'. Plus new stressors or traumatic incidences, especially ones that are big T traumas, +/or relate to or unearth the past. And denial works great, until it doesn't. JMHO. I read somewhere here a lot of times the symptomology lays dormant, until something sets it off. I recall a lot of people realizing in their 30's and 40's.

I would think the earlier you are aware, and can learn, and take action, the brighter your future can be. (Many of us couldn't ever imagine one).

Best wishes to you and Happy Birthday! :)
 
I’ve been on this forum for a while now and have had communications with some truly inspirational people. Those who have been sufferers of this as**ole of an illness for many many years but I can’t help but feel like that just will not be me.

I can’t picture myself living with this for that long. Whilst I know it’s not going to go away, I also do not wish to live like this forever because it doesn’t feel like living at all, it feels like a life sentence, confined by my triggers, my mental instability, emotional withdrawal/breakdowns and the list goes on..

Anyone else feel that way?
Oh god yes I did.
I was diagnosed when I was 15.
I was abused for 15 years and now I’m 17, 18 in April.
I thought I was gonna die before my 16th birthday yet I lived past then, and here I am now. Even before I was diagnosed I thought I’d just disappear before I became an adult somehow. I just couldn’t picture my future. It’s completely normal to feel this way, but believe me, you aren’t alone and you are supported here.
 
I think a lot of us collapse when what we used to cope no longer works, ot our bodies can't keep it up anymore. Like overworking or extreme sports, or it reminds me of the U2 line 'my demons learned to swim'. Plus new stressors or traumatic incidences, especially ones that are big T traumas, +/or relate to or unearth the past. And denial works great, until it doesn't. JMHO. I read somewhere here a lot of times the symptomology lays dormant, until something sets it off. I recall a lot of people realizing in their 30's and 40's.

I would think the earlier you are aware, and can learn, and take action, the brighter your future can be. (Many of us couldn't ever imagine one).

Best wishes to you and Happy Birthday! :)
Judith Hermans book details it and I was shocked when I read it seeing my behavior described and explained so beautifully. I was in my forties when I remembered or realized.
 
The harder we fight to distract ourselves from something, the more we realise the seriousness of the situation that we are trying hard to distract from.
You write about how you were very good at distracting yourself until it became too difficult. However. It appears that you experienced a very dark part of your life when you decided to tackle your situation 'head on'.
You had your intense trauma therapy. However. What happens when that intense therapy ends? Many of us are left to face life alone.
This is where you could benefit from ongoing therapy in the form of counselling. Regular sessions will help you to deal with the many buried issues that were 'locked away'.
If this makes any sense. You could say that having someone to talk to in order to explore your emotions will help you to cope with the trauma of 'post intense therapy'.
Yes. You've faced your life's traumas head on.....How do you deal with the emotions that are released because of this?
It can help if you write down your feelings regularly and discuss those issues with your counsellor as well.
Ongoing counselling for a continuous (open-ended) period of time would be more to your advantage. This will enable you to work with the counsellor to address the many emotions and to keep giving you that 'lift upwards' - step by step - in order to prevent you from sinking into this depressive state of mind.
On the subject of self-help remedies. There are ways that you can help yourself cope with the depressive thoughts.
When you feel a 'dark' period coming, leave your home and go for a long walk, or even a run. You have mentioned that you have enjoyed nature more since you experienced your trauma.
With autumn approaching - with its cold, dark nights - combined with depression, you will understandably find it harder to leave your room.
When feeling depressed and in your darkest thoughts, force yourself to go for that nature walk. Put on some headphones and play your favourite music whilst doing so.
Try walking early in the morning because - even if still dark - you know that some sunlight will come. Go later in the morning if you feel unsure about walking alone.
Walk around the shops. Sit in a cafe for half an hour. Try to avoid sitting at home for long periods doing nothing. Find stuff to do.
You mention the use of alcohol as well. Have you got that under control or are you seeking help for that? There is the temptation to drink when alone and feeling negative. Try to avoid keeping it in your home. Reduce the temptation.
You say that you used to love being around people such as surrounding yourself with friends and social settings. Your social life appeared to be your main hobby.
However. From what you are writing, you may have been using that social life as part of avoiding your problems. Whilst 'keeping a lid' upon your trauma, you will have worked hard at being the 'life and soul' of the party.
It is often overlooked when we see such happy, social people that they can be dealing with depression themselves. If anything, more so. Depressed people can be more sociable in order to mask their true feelings.
When facing our traumas, we can find that being sociable becomes more difficult because we are more conscious of our dark emotions. We can't just tell ourselves to forget it and keep smiling.
Reading further on - as expected - your therapy has come to an end and you are left to deal with this alone. It would be a positive step forward to organise some further therapy through your GP/health centre, or even privately - subject to costs.
Though you may get government/state help or reduced fees if your financial circumstances are limited. Especially if you are not employed or cannot work full-time because of your condition.
At this point in time, all you can do is keep persevering. Try to do something a little different and a little more each day. Take each day as it comes and make time for that nature walk.
Continue to think positively, keep active (however depressed) and work through it with continuous therapy. It's a case of taking each day as it comes and slowly learning to understand fully how you feel.
You've been working at facing your trauma. Now you need to work through the powerful, emotional side-effects in order to make sense of it all. This part will take time.
 
Hi all,

Very sorry I’ve been a bit distant recently, with my birthday ‘celebrations’ and the passing of our beloved family dog who we had for 16 years it all got a bit too much and overwhelming for me.

I promise to go through all of your posts in the next couple of days and respond.

I must say it brings me to joy to see the activity on this post! You guys rock!

When issues are stuck inside, I write them down to get them outside......on paper....When sleep is an issue, I make a list of the things I'll do the next day in Notepad (although there are habit apps that I'm trying on my cell phone that are positive) I take magnesium citrate, then I take a bath with a candle, say goodbye outloud to whatever is looping in my head....and put it away in my imagination, listen to positive music to get my brain out of trauma world, do my color mindfulness (relaxation where you imagine a positive color running through your body (I like blue) and relax my muscles. If I start gravitating to thinking about "all the things I have to do the next day because I'm feeling guilty that today I was a slacker" then I write them down in my cell.....to get them out of my head. Most of all, I have a bedtime routine I really try to stick to, and my body has started to respond to the routine. I find getting stuff out of my head by writing it is really helpful, and routines are helpful.



Oh, early happy birthday!!!!

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I have heard that a bedtime routine can be really helpful. It is something I am yet to implement into my life as my sleep pattern is a little on the rollercoaster side. One night I will be so knackered I’ll be asleep early and the next I’ll be tossing and turning, mainly due to terrible flashbacks and eventually it puts me off trying to sleep all together so I end up staying up and distracting myself with Netflix etc. I do often think, why would my brain trouble me in this way? Why the reminders of the trauma? Why so hurtful and vivid? I can’t understand it.

The harder we fight to distract ourselves from something, the more we realise the seriousness of the situation that we are trying hard to distract from.
You write about how you were very good at distracting yourself until it became too difficult. However. It appears that you experienced a very dark part of your life when you decided to tackle your situation 'head on'.
You had your intense trauma therapy. However. What happens when that intense therapy ends? Many of us are left to face life alone.
This is where you could benefit from ongoing therapy in the form of counselling. Regular sessions will help you to deal with the many buried issues that were 'locked away'.
If this makes any sense. You could say that having someone to talk to in order to explore your emotions will help you to cope with the trauma of 'post intense therapy'.
Yes. You've faced your life's traumas head on.....How do you deal with the emotions that are released because of this?
It can help if you write down your feelings regularly and discuss those issues with your counsellor as well.
Ongoing counselling for a continuous (open-ended) period of time would be more to your advantage. This will enable you to work with the counsellor to address the many emotions and to keep giving you that 'lift upwards' - step by step - in order to prevent you from sinking into this depressive state of mind.
On the subject of self-help remedies. There are ways that you can help yourself cope with the depressive thoughts.
When you feel a 'dark' period coming, leave your home and go for a long walk, or even a run. You have mentioned that you have enjoyed nature more since you experienced your trauma.
With autumn approaching - with its cold, dark nights - combined with depression, you will understandably find it harder to leave your room.
When feeling depressed and in your darkest thoughts, force yourself to go for that nature walk. Put on some headphones and play your favourite music whilst doing so.
Try walking early in the morning because - even if still dark - you know that some sunlight will come. Go later in the morning if you feel unsure about walking alone.
Walk around the shops. Sit in a cafe for half an hour. Try to avoid sitting at home for long periods doing nothing. Find stuff to do.
You mention the use of alcohol as well. Have you got that under control or are you seeking help for that? There is the temptation to drink when alone and feeling negative. Try to avoid keeping it in your home. Reduce the temptation.
You say that you used to love being around people such as surrounding yourself with friends and social settings. Your social life appeared to be your main hobby.
However. From what you are writing, you may have been using that social life as part of avoiding your problems. Whilst 'keeping a lid' upon your trauma, you will have worked hard at being the 'life and soul' of the party.
It is often overlooked when we see such happy, social people that they can be dealing with depression themselves. If anything, more so. Depressed people can be more sociable in order to mask their true feelings.
When facing our traumas, we can find that being sociable becomes more difficult because we are more conscious of our dark emotions. We can't just tell ourselves to forget it and keep smiling.
Reading further on - as expected - your therapy has come to an end and you are left to deal with this alone. It would be a positive step forward to organise some further therapy through your GP/health centre, or even privately - subject to costs.
Though you may get government/state help or reduced fees if your financial circumstances are limited. Especially if you are not employed or cannot work full-time because of your condition.
At this point in time, all you can do is keep persevering. Try to do something a little different and a little more each day. Take each day as it comes and make time for that nature walk.
Continue to think positively, keep active (however depressed) and work through it with continuous therapy. It's a case of taking each day as it comes and slowly learning to understand fully how you feel.
You've been working at facing your trauma. Now you need to work through the powerful, emotional side-effects in order to make sense of it all. This part will take time.

Your post couldn’t be more accurate.

I definitely think the part post therapy was difficult because as you say, I had to now learn how to deal with everything on my own. In fact I remember saying to my therapist, as the end of my sessions were approaching, that I’m concerned we will finish up and a week later I’ll have something super important to go through with her. And it put so much pressure on me to try and anticipate any future problems to squeeze them into our last sessions but obviously that didn’t work and things came up naturally as time went on.

I’ve just come out of what I call a ‘dark’ time in my life, slowly but surely I’m feeling slightly better. I’ve taken your advice and have gone for a run a few days ago and a long walk in a beautiful park with my sister, I felt good about it. I am definitely trying to keep more active as it keeps me grounded and it really does take your mind off the constant run of thoughts.

There are some real practical ways to try and get yourself out of the hell hole, the main issue here is as I spiral into the dark place I end up completely losing hope and therefore end up sitting around wallowing for days/weeks because I’ve given up hope that anything will help - and it’s THAT that is so difficult to get out of. The idea that no matter how hard you try you will always end up back in the darkness.
 
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