Can anyone help me? anyone have a religion or church?

[Tinyflame]

Ps,

Love & peace within & without..

and to you! :)

 

[Ann Barry]

Yes, someone mentioned that, thank you!

Yes funny you should say, though I wan't thinking about it in r...

"No matter where you go, there you are" is quote that comes to mind. And "No matter where you go, there will be good & bad people".
Yes, even church. Jesus said "..beware wolves in sheep clothing.." & He called believers "sheep", so it's not meant to be an insulting term.
Yep, trust IS an issue to consider & re-consider. Some people like to collect personal information {like a diagnosis} & keep it stored like ammunition & may use it against others if/when useful to do so {like a snake or wolf or a narcissist}. I used to think of "church" as a Hospital
for the soul, BUT some of my experiences with self-declared-Christians proved to me that I was in a Courtroom as the innocent Defendant... Just saying: Keep eyes & ears open; observe, use common sense & listen to your gut, BEFORE trusting Anybody from Anywhere. THX

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Ann Barry , in general I've never understood why others would even care to know, let alone harm. :( I am very slow to feel safe with anyone. But I also start expecting the best, or feeling sorry for them, and often I am distracted or unaware (as per living life in general, I mean.)

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I've come to understand a wee bit of the fundamental disconnect I feel; I keep hearing so many speak of how we needn't be trying to earn as it were 'God's' love, nor does it matter what we do or don't.

And I realized on wednesday and thursday- just for me, the less it matters what I do or don't, the more it starts to matter less and less, until it matters not at all, or I forget it ever mattered. And actually, that could apply to most anything, whether it be decisions, 'commandments', morals, ethics- whatever. Including how I treat myself. The moment I decide what is acceptable to do or to allow to be done to me, is the moment I am one step closer to just doing it. Nothing matters, if nothing matters.

But today something else came to 'words': most people and definitely my generation and younger, don't operate on that sense of guilt or obligation- in fact, if we don't want to do it, or we aren't welcome, or we don't relate- we just mostly don't, if we aren't children and it's optional. Churches are 'unfilled' in many ways, at least certain ones and with certain demographics, age representation, etc.

But perhaps it doesn't occur to them, we'd actually want to be there, maybe they don't want to be there? Maybe all the talk of 'love' in the world- God's or people for one another- isn't really achieved there at all?

But, when I think back to one person who loved what he did, but he himself did not care about appearances, he used to have from 60-80 people come in the morning to mass, more than I've seen anywhere, nearly like a Sunday would be. And for a long time 7 days/ week. Not for lent, not for guilt, just for life. Just for these people to start the day and live (and ideally love) with God and others pretty seamlessly, and no matter what age or what they had or didn't. Not out of guilt, obligation, appearances, fervor, or anything. Just love. And living.

JMHO though, which isn't worth much.

ETA, I do know though, if God's love is anything like peoples', I'm an atheist, or whatever more apt word there is for believes and wants no part of it.

 

[ladee]

@Junebug, I don't know who has hurt you so bad, and made you feel you do not have a voice... but love?? Will say again, you are very loved and cherished by many here... so hope you don't paint us all with the same brush... there are mean and cruel people in the world.. we are all here just because of that very thing, that very fundamental evil in the world...
And each of us have to search out what God or Faith or even Love means for each of us..I have never felt anything but love from you... I don't care what the church taught.. it is in you to care about people... and I am so sorry you are so hurt right now.... and nothing i can say will make it better... but I will always know 'love' from you, from my first few weeks here... and I honor that to this day, as I honor you and your struggles... I am sorry for where your pain is coming from... regardless of how you feel, you still are not alone... I still love and respect you very much... always have, always will...

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @ladee :hug: well I don't have the words but I appreciate it very much, and recognize the lengths you go to to support and validate and accompany others. And I thank you for that, for myself and because you are 'you'. :notworthy::inlove::hug:

Well it doesn't matter, everyone has their sob story. Nor do I feel angry at others, be they family or friends, since there is nothing requiring or obligating anyone to put any regard or importance on something important to me but not to them, nor value me or what I value, nor care less, tbh. And that doesn't make me angry, that has been my life, and even more so that is a fact of my life. But it makes me angry at myself I would risk that when I know better. Because hope = expectation, expectations lead to disappointment, disappointment leads to self-blame. Not to mention Idk if my privacy was violated. Ugh. I'm not going to even go there :eek::( , cringe-worthy feelings of grossness, betrayal, and burdensomeness- if so, you know how 'nuts' and what a burden you have to be for someone to share your info? -Ugh. :( It just feels like if trust were a baby it's been booted in the head with a steel-toed workboot.

In terms of churches specifically other people I suppose take comfort in talk of community- support- love etc etc, perhaps they have experiences to draw on, or just relate? I've grown tired of even the words of hymns, the msg is great- but not real irl.

So, carry on, I should be thankful, say nothing, keep my distances, remember the past. Actually I knew that, which is what makes me disgusted- with myself. And I fail other people a lot my own self, currently sitting here without sending an e-mail long overdue to a friend who lost her father, :(, so who am I to beef, especially owed nothing, and definitely not respect nor time nor effort. Even FOO's are not obligated, though expected from adults to children.

I guess it just takes too much energy to be a circle amongst stars. It's not destined for me, and I always get poked by a sharp reminder. I think it's denial, those moments I risk something is different.

Thanks @ladee . Maybe I'll make some strides with my own self-repulsion, or get more practice burying it.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: , xox, :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yay @ladee , upside is I got that one, and a 2nd e-mail sent out too!! :tup: :)

Thank you :notworthy::):hug::hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I'll keep it brief @ladee and I hope you'll forgive me for involving you in this post, but something you said I realized helps me find words.

I wonder for myself if believing in God or going to church was just an attempt to find a safe place, a place to lay my burdens esp, an oasis in a long desert of a life, not where to be loved or expecting connection or community, but where there was some expectation still, or over time, of honesty, and hoping to have some value? And yet I realize, despite not having value even there, being abandoned or not even worth saying good bye to, probably all lies, though it certainly can bring up much from childhood, of course I am not a child. Only animals & children and the vulnerable can be abandoned, the rest is choice. And though the traumas that have followed in life, some are brutal, at least though it blows the idea of having any value away, is nothing like one-on-one violence , or assaults. Etc. Especially when they aren't always past.

So it was worth nothing, I am worth nothing, but what does it matter or who really cares, I mean that quite seriously, without whining or 'self'? Of course it makes me feel sad, that I am the way I am. But it was here, people like yourself, who responded, supported, validated. Cared. Thank you very very much for that, always. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: .Xox

 

[ladee]

Maybe that I why I couldn't do 'church' @Junebug, the rituals , the raised voice preachers. But I found what amounted to something greater than me, in nature... and as as time grew and I studied different 'beliefs'.... I also found a higher power, that I call God. I don't know what that means really.. honestly... I know that I want to believe there is a benevolent power somewhere, that puts people like you in my life. We would have never met in this huge world, had we not ended up in the same place... and I could feel your deep caring and your pain coming thru your words... that power uses people to affirm an existence of showing me people who DO love, who DO keep trying no matter what, who DO support and encourage, on a deep level of experience...let us love you Buggy, let us be present for you...

And if I am understanding correctly, the CHURCH, has hurt you, but we will not.... we are here for you always... and your worth is not measured by that experience... not trying to convince you... just hoping you give it time. One set of humans has to be right... and it's not your experiences with religion.... it is your experiences here that prove Love does exist, and it is powerful, and it is truth. You are very loved Junebug... hope you know that somewhere inside you.... you are loved for just who you are... nothing else.. just your presence on this planet... sending you lots of hugs... you matter to me.

 

[420kitty]

my religion is nature and it does help me.

 

[Tinyflame]

nature and it does help me.

But I found what amounted to something greater than me, in nature

Yes myself also. Unfortunately I live in an incredibly-cold-much-of-the-year climate, with no cold tolerance and an allergy to cold, 10 strikes against me for that resource. I truly believe it's hugely calming to the mind, heart and soul. I had a great opportunity to live months at the beach when I was little without supervision and there was only one word for it- glorious. :inlove:

Ugh. Thank you @ladee . :hug::hug::hug: Xox. Ugh. Not exactly, re church. It even reminds me, I used to go to a very private park where there is no one much, re nature, on summer days; one day I'm there and this woman comes up to me, gives me her name and says she saw me from across the way from her upstairs bedroom- actually saw the yellow flower in my hair- and felt compelled to come over and tell me (I'm not even going to repeat it here!, said she heard, 'tell the girl with the yellow rose in her hair') what she felt about my relationship to 'Christ' was ( :wideeyed: :eek: (!), albeit it was grossly-over-positive,-actually, no-even-worse is an understatement of the century, but none-the-less creepy to me, since all I was doing was journalling and smoking a lot of cigarettes!) It wasn't near a church or anything. She also told me about her previously-abused-adopted-dtr who kept 'unsuccessfully' trying to kill herself- kept flat-lining and coming back, so hopefully I said something useful.I could say some prayers for them though. I do recall her saying she told her dtr- 'Obviously you're meant to be here!' Ugh. Weird things like that happen to me all the time. :( Guess it does to everyone :( . The weird thing was- it was a yellow rose- something she couldn't have seen but up close. But maybe she was just lying and 'winging it', Idk. I know personally I never went back to that part of the park again.
ETA! A whack-job that attracts whack-jobs!! Lol! :O_o::hilarious:

I think in all honesty I wouldn't still be 'here' without help, and I probably recognized for myself the help going to church was for me, since going regularly coincided with pulling myself together way back when. I know of and have seen plenty, but if it doesn't apply to me and isn't a child it's not my business. Except for lies, that I just don't want anything to do with anywhere. Every interpersonal trauma has people who lie in it.

But churches aren't shrinks, and Joe Q. Public expects a lot- their asses kissed I think, in many cases. I don't feel that way, but conversely have nothing even worthwhile to metaphorically kiss my ass for, I do not give much, nor have much to give, and I don't want to be known. I always wanted Communion, safety, and guidance. That was where I found strength to bear stuff and continue.

It would be easier for me to blame or project, but neither is warranted, and tbh to chose that wouldn't be too loving. I'm actually shocked to feel 'betrayed' or let down, simply because it means I 'trusted'. No one though has done anything wrong but me, other than that. I am left feeling like a leper, but maybe that's because the shoe fits. No one can make me feel any way, I am responsible for that, and I know what I'm likely to default to. With all that considered though, that is how I'm left feeling, and as I say, knowing all things about myself, pretty accurate. Just 'am', and that's pretty gross to anyone, anywhere. Understandable. I'll leave it at that.

 

[ladee]

My words to you have meaning @Junebug. my hand and heart are always open to you. Regardless of how you feel and think about yourself.. love you and sending tender hugs.