Can anyone help me? anyone have a religion or church?

[Tinyflame]

Wow @Glo809 that's absolutely an amazing story and an amazing act of bravery, I am in awe. I don't even know how to respond atm, but I thank you so very much. :notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::hug:

And @littleoc , I want to come back to read again because I need to to give your post proper respect, and I thank you very much.

I think where you are is perfectly fine- in God's eyes if they exist, or not. I do understand how talking about shoes feels when it feels like you've lost your legs, if that makes sense.

I think it's sad so many people fight over religion/ beliefs, or differences, or treat people badly. :( I'm so sorry. :(:hug:

 

[Blessed1984]

I grew up and was raised to believe I was some sort of Baptist. The thing is that my family never really was raised in church. We’d try one out and our attendance would flat line shortly there after.

Well as I grew into an adult I felt a crucial need to try and find a church I would enjoy and fit into. The Baptist Church’s were a bit scary and sometimes very fire and brimstone. The mega churches offered nice messages and I felt as though I was singled out due to the mass amount of people who attend.
Anyway, now I have been blessed to attend and become a member of an Episcopal church. I stumbled upon the denomination pretty much because I was new in town and wanted to give church a shot again. I love my church. I’ve been going since last October. It’s not an over whelming church. We have a small congregation and the service is Christ centered. Everyone is accepted at my church no matter how you look or what denomination you are. The episcopal service is a mash of Anglican and Catholic. We do have priests but they are married and do not remain celibate. Unlike Catholics we do not pray to the saints and like Catholics we do take communion every Sunday. Hope that helps

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Blessed1984 it does help, I had no idea what that meant. All ok up to the Saints part :(, though RC's don't really pray 'to' saints- I don't think?- though I do.

It is hard to be different than I am. :(

I am happy for you. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I actually feel very badly to have posted this thread, especially when I think it's Easter coming, which was/ is the pinacle of what I believe. :( i suppose it's not the religion I don't believe in, but rather just need a place to go, I'm out of place everywhere. Which, in a way, I guess Jesus was too, but for the right reasons, not being a misfit. But I miss having a place that feels like a refuge.:(

 

[Glo809]

Greetings

Look up 'man in the maze'

I work nights and I have a semblance of a coherent reply, but have to smooth it out.

G

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Glo809 . :hug: I am headed to work also (night shift).

 

[Tinyflame]

'man in the maze..

I understand @Glo809 . Thank you :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I hope I can keep this brief, at least I can articulate 'something'.

I think I've come to the realization that, even with Easter, which is definitely not about me, even the process of trying to celebrate it is fraught with triggers and reminders of the past in the present, repeated in the present: being unprepared (my fault); being exhausted and unable to get things done on my own (ptsd); physical limitations, can't drive; hard to get away; realistically 'we are not that important' (AA), yet feeling forgotten and sad. Feeling unwelcome- but no where else to go. Happy for families- but will spend weekend dodging abuse and SA. Hearing in church- ~'ask ourselves what we have or haven't done to prepare for Easter and more importantly why'- and I thought the week before they said `it doesn't matter what we do' :confused: -?, which just reminds me of my own confusion, or how I feel. :confused:

But really, I don't feel that way, I know I don't get it (obviously). I recognize the triggers and stressors and memories intertwine: being forgotten or neglect in childhood; looking for refuge is trying to cope with my own present realities, despite not being welcome or at best inconsequential, which is ok, but sandwiched between others celebrating around; asking for help and being unheard is a trigger; abuse and SA are stressors; past few weeks lots of stress- SA; trauma 'anniversaries' are rampant now, if I'm honest; my own physical limitations exhaust and frustrate me, but nonetheless can't be ignored; the knowledge that none of that matters, yet I still 'feel' it, it makes me feel sad, empty, and more alone than if I had never tried to fit in. Which is back to a child up, which was expendable or invisible.

But, I think triggers are different than stressors, whatever they may be.

It actually doesn't bother me to be worth nothing, it bothers me to be reminded I'm worth nothing.

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry that's your truth @Junebug, you have a tremendous amount of 'worth' in my life. Gentle hugs.... just put them in a pile... if you ever need one, just take out and use it.. no one has to know.. love you anyway, regardless of your truth... sorry, don't mean to be disrespectful... but in this case I honor my perception of some one I deeply care about.

 

[littleoc]

Well I hope I can keep this brief, at least I can articulate 'something'.

I think I've come to the real...

My twin brother, who is very Christian, explained it to me like this:

You are worthless compared to God, which only emphasizes how special that relationship between you and God is. It shows that despite being a lowly little mortal, you have managed to be here, to be loved.

It's not JUST that you're worthless. It's not even that exactly. It's that you were saved out of love, not because you did or didn't deserve it.

If that sits better with you? If not, do not worry about it at all :)

 

[KwanYingirl]

I study Buddhism. I work energetically with a Shaman. I did not believe much of what was preached in my Protestant Church. And it certainly did not give me a sense of security or community.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you. :hug:

It's not disrespectful @ladee . I would hope you could feel you could be comfortable to say whatever you want to. As I said, it doesn't bother me if I don't focus on it.

@littleoc I too think everyone is loved. I do mean positively everyone.

@KwanYingirl I'm sorry the experience(s) were so crappy. :( :cry:

It reminded me of one time my mom was dying at Easter, I was so tired. And come the 'Peace-be-with-you' time, and everyone was hugging/ kissing their own families, not one offered it to me. I felt very alone, awkward, tired. Hopeless, but trying to be positive.

However, that would be to focus on one time, at the expense of other times.

I believe it is my responsibility, and maybe a bigger issue, triggers aside, to choose to trust or not. Albeit rare it's warranted by the past, it is my choice to decide or think the best of others, and remember context. I believe , there must be good (or better) reasons to be let down, some things or many things likely more important and taking precedence than being let down, or me, that's for sure. I choose, like I do with God, to believe there must be a good reason. It may be a reflection on me, but I'll choose to trust, because I should, it's warranted, by their character, the past.

Hope this makes sense, must run to work.

:hug:

I choose to trust in goodness. Their's and God's.