Can anyone help me? anyone have a religion or church?

[Tinyflame]

Aw @littleoc , how sweet you are. :inlove::hug:

What boggles my mind and disturbs me greatly, is being able to recognize what I 'do' remember, then 'forget'- though not intentionally, which I suppose is denial or even more what I describe as 'blocking'. And the feeling of duplicity, though it isn't exactly that either, because I don't hold the opposing view at the same time. Nor is it like 'parts', but like my memory and emotions need to keep getting re-booted. :(

I can recall just trying to, or wanting to escape the past, knowing 'nothing' of some details, and being shocked about what I found later. Yet also equally shocked and relieved there was a name for all of this... But also setting out to disprove it could be so, and finding more that I related to and knew nothing about than ever.

I remember too feeling like a 'dumb bomb'; afraid to hurt others. Yet I recall planning a future (which I ran away from when the person was good, however, when push came to shove).

I recall going to church to survive and as a part to try to get myself together, yet it was originally very triggering.

Things I swore I'd take to my grave, sometimes I forgot and said them. Then I think why did I not remember I swore I'd never say them?

I sometimes wonder if even ~abuse gets repeated because somewhere it's like the memory fails- not expecting different, or a 'honeymoon' stage, just- it goes out of memory?

Idk, I only know I know that much.

 

[Mee]

No one had mentioned Quakers.

I am personally quite interested in this because I miss community and ’philosophy’ of church but lack faith and you can be an agnostic Quaker.

My history is complicated. Three denominations in one nuclear family grieving up and an atheist. One of my schools was a convent. There was some school abuse ( not sexual) at about 7 and some very mild sexual abuse in early teen years from a priest. No ptsd associated with either but a big turn off to belief. ( though I remain fond if ritual, respectful of some aspects and have equally pivotal for good ppeople from this faith background. A priest supported my decision confirm proceed with confirmation. I am concerned and often lost in ethical and moral dilemma, turn to my yoga lessons for answers often, but cross references with other teaching, including ’my gut’ and western judeo Christian. My husband is a different faith background and agnostic.

I yearn to have the courage right now to go to a Quaker meeting .



Junebug I really hope you find what you need.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh @Mee , so much for you to consider. :(

Thank you, and I wish you the same! :hug:

I would go, but I would go easy on yourself first and foremost. Belief is supposed to be a beautiful, or enriching thing, not a 'have to' or something to fear. (I think.):hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I know what the words are, for me, experentially:

-I can see why if people don't feel welcome (or accepted) in a church with the 'God' they see, how could they feel the God they don't see will? And it's hard to feel awkward or in-the-way
-I know why I am there, but the 'feeling' that has helped me the most is it is safe to 'feel', and just be me. Even if it's an empty building, it isn't- it's God, me, and a place away
-it has been a sanctuary of safety. Away from abuse, and safe.
-I'm lucky to have that
-I really made leaps and strides getting away from who or what I 'need' to be elsewise and where, and just be myself, when I went.

 

[ladee]

The only time I ever felt like you just shared, about being safe, and just getting to be you, was in the hospital chapel when my mom was dying....I so needed the quite, the smallness of the chapel, just the way it felt in there... I could cry and be afraid and try to imagine her not being here anymore, without my ugly sister, telling us that 'feelings' were not to be shown around my mom... I never had one moment alone with my mom before she died... but I've had a lot of time alone with her since....

Lots of hugs to you Junebug.... you are in my heart.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @ladee , that is exactly what I meant. That is beautiful.
.
You are wrapped in my heart as well xox. :inlove::hug::inlove:

ETA, @ladee , I remember C.S. Lewis, who wrote a lot about (and well) grief, calling himself ~The Most Reluctant Atheist or Convert, or something like that, he fell in love with a woman named 'Joy' (he needed some, frankly, by the sound of it, and had written a book years before called 'Finding Joy'), who unfortunately died. He said before she died she smiled- but not at him.

I think there is a relationship that transcends everyone and everything, for everyone. And if we are lucky, we get glimpses of that, and reflections of that with others, 'here'. :hug::hug:

 

[ladee]

Exactly @Junebug, my mom smiled, but not at us... I totally get that... She got a glimpse of something we are totally unable to comprehend , because we live 'here'... Seeing that smile on her face got me thru some really bad times of missing her... I still miss her, more so as I am getting old, and need her guidance.. which , in many ways, I do receive, IF, I'm paying attention...

Lots of soft gentle love for you Junebug.. you are a reassuring 'constant' in my life.. very grateful for you !!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes exactly @ladee .

Exactly @Junebug I still miss her..more so .. and need her guidance..

Yes, I think that my mom would roll over in her grave re; SI- or maybe not, that that is selling her short. But it was the antithesis of her.

I remember her saying she was ready to leave my dad as she told him, with 3 kids under 12 and a newborn also in tow, no car, family, or driver's licence, since 'she had 2 good hands and a strong back'. She never told him to leave though..

I was thinking of this, my mom's 'secret', and it was great faith, sweetness and brains. She was always sweet, wise but filled with the ability to laugh, be mischievous, listen. The other day I was passing a lost-and-found and saw a small stuffed bear, and eye-glasses. So (naturally :p;) ) I put the glasses on the bear and posed him. That was as much my mom as 'me'. :)

PS, I said above that little Saints prayer that blew to my feet for the hopeless, amongst other things: imagine my surprise to find the meaning of her name is the meaning of my name (in Persian, supposedly), and she was the same age 13-15. Of course, who knows, but still it made me :wideeyed: . (Oh ya- and she's a Big Hit in homes in Ireland, apparently. :laugh::inlove: )

I love you too @ladee . And am Very Very grateful for you. :notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove::hug::hug::hug::hug: Xoxox.