Can Anyone Relate?

[Justmehere]

I have been what everyone has thought they needed, but never what anyone has wanted.

I have been the scapegoat and the caretaker and the listener and the rebel and the truth teller and the problem and the identified patient...

But somehow, I have never been what anyone has wanted.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Wow.. very insightful. I can relate, all to well. Although I have never thought about it like that before.

 

[darrenS]

can totally relate - have moved mountains to help people , to only have them turn when the pressure is on. been all those you listed and more. And through all of this i have learnt one simple lesson. Look after yourself first and foremost regardless of how you or others perceive you. Helping others has its limits and if they don't have the guts to move forward or protect themselves , then they will certainly not protect you , regardless of what you do for them

 

[Chosen]

Maybe it's time to shed those roles and masks and start to discover who you truly are. And as you do that--find the people who do want you. I can guarantee that you are wanted--and there are people who will fully know and fully love you. Sometimes, it just takes time to find out who we are and the people who will be there for us.

 

[scout86]

I can relate. And I've decided that I may never BE what anyone else wants. Now if I could just figure out what "I" want!

 

[Justmehere]

Someone told me on Friday, "Be my success story."

There are very very few circumstances in which I think this would be an ok thing to say to someone - and in this very rare circumstance, I think it was actually ok for her to say to me. It was in the middle of a much needed pep talk. She was to trying and help me see that I was already enough and I needed to stop living so much in fear of failing everyone. I felt like nothing but a failure but she told me in the middle of my despair of feeling like a failure, she had been bragging about me. She said she was proud of me. She said she wanted to keep being my friend, supporter, advocate, and mentor of sorts. She wanted me in her life.

No one had ever said they were proud of me and the whole conversation hit me deeply.

Be my success.

It made me realize how much I have tried to be my own person, but I have been so much of what others wanted or thought they needed me to be.

Especially when I have been the scapegoat, the problem, the one who has acted out. I have never been in that role with any conscious intention - but the people who most want to scaoegoat me, I tend to act out the most with.

To hear someone say they wanted me to be their success story, really hit me. (And no, I don't feel used - although with most people I would feel very used if they said this to me. Again, there was a context and bigger relationship and reason why they said this that I don't want to get into. And this post really isn't about her and the appropriateness of what she said anyhow. She wanted me to keep up what she thought was good work so that she could keep using my story to help advocate for a very good change for many other people - something I approved of and she only tells in a way that I'm ok with and protects my privacy.)


Anyhow, now that I have weirdly and anxiously defended her for no reason at all... (ugh. This is going to be a hard pattern to break!)


What her comment brought up for me was this:

I get to define my own story. My own life. I don't need to be anyone's story.

I never realized until now how much I don't really claim my own definition of me. I have been everyone example or definition of horrible things... And I don't have to be any of those things anymore.

It also really stirred up for me just how much I have never really been wanted, until now, and how much I want to be wanted, in a healthy and safe way.

I'm not sure what to do with this all now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In a word.....Yes.

I'll stop there. This one hits sort of hard.

 

[Beachlife09]

Most certainly can relate. And it hurts.

 

[IrisL]

Hmmm ... I'm sort of similar situation, I realised at myself to I do harm for the close lived person, because my trauma was from a member of a family- which unconsciously made to react my mind who seems cares about me will happen the same and will get just hurt... Is horrible difficult to brake the pattern - the first thing you need to realise it when you are doing ( massive effort - have to force yourself and constantly attention of your thoughts)and realise what you are projecting. Advise if you feel yourself tired never get to a serious conversation, because your attention is way less so for my experience I'm always ended up with huge disgusting arguments which I made up...
Me:Analyse the things how it's move my brain - and if I recognise a wrong habit or pattern on mine then (mostly not-still learn it) then usually my last flashbacks helps to realise what happened in the past what I'm pulling back and projecting on the other person.
Hope is helps something

Oh and first want yourself, love yourself and that will build down a couple of things- but it will takes time and is quite a huge tasks .
And if you are wanted just relax and take it - that can make the other person happy - it's called love which all we need to learn and realise the truth of it. Sounds maybe stupid but for a lots of things seems the answer is that... And start to think of the time, realise if you do something wrong you waist your and the surrenders time.when I feel I will project and will blow up - I'm just think of "okay calm down, what if that's your last hour with him" of course do that with a good person not who you hate because that would not work... But I think with these thoughts and attention of your own reactions makes to learn a lot about yourself which is hard and makes a protection towards for your loved one.and try let go fear...
It's sounds easy, but to do is a hell lot of job... But if you think the other person is worth it, don't hesitate ... Try it every each time again again and again- you will fail a lot - never forget is new for you and you learn it, don't feel yourself as a failure,you will get there... ( I'm neither there) and just constantly try to keep up with it, remind yourself...
I hope is make sense ...

 

[risingsun]

I can definitely relate to this in so many ways. I have been the comforter of many but the least comforted when it comes to people (other than my mother of course who has supported me in so many ways.) I have been the rock for many but have not found a true rock in the outside world. I have taken the fall for much that was not my fault. I know what it feels like to be the outsider always looking through barred windows of the outside world feeling like the unwanted.

But I realize now that it is okay to let go of the labels and chains that have been slammed on me . . . that they were an illusion created by others' opinions coupled with my own insecurities. I realize that I can let go of those who have failed to see the "real me". It is time for me to fearlessly let my light shine regardless and move forward even if it means letting go of people in my life who have harmed more than helped.

So maybe now is the time to let go of all the garbage thrown your way, stop picking it up as it is the garbage of others, stop hanging on to people who do not really "see you." Define who you really are, what you stand for, and the true you. I believe when we do this, the right people, the people who want to celebrate us and not tolerate us, will enter our lives.

As Marianne Williamson has said, "when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can so relate to everything you have said. Kudos to you on your healing and recovery journey which is a very long process. The hardest thing for me to face and deal with was being charmed by the wrong people and having illusions about what I thought was going on. Sure hope this makes sense. The death of illusions is a real turning point in my life. I wish you the best on your healing journey

 

[ekane]

Your words are very poignant. I can say that for almost my entire life until recently, I felt the same way. I don't know if this will work for you or anyone else, but I can tell you what worked for me and got me to a place where I have constant proof that I am exactly what at least a few people want* and need. What changed over time is when I got to a point in my learning/recovery that allowed me to completely eliminate the last set of "mediocre" relationships (friends, acquaintances, coworkers, whomever), and live in outrageous celebration and vindication of myself. What I mean is that to the fullest imaginable extent, I don't waste any time on anyone who has not proven beyond a shadow of doubt that they are worthy of my time, my stories, my presence, my mind, my beauty, my anything, and I don't even make the slightest excuse for anyone who does not 100000% support me in every way. No excuses.

I choose to be the most honest and most complete version of myself possible any given moment of the day, to the best of my ability, and I make zero adjustments for anyone. I had already eliminated extremely toxic people from my lives years ago, but I still needed to weed out some others who were harder to detect (yet not that hard... I had been in denial and making excuses because some "infractions" seem "small"... but the truth is anything, no matter how tiny, bothering your gut, is a huge huge sign that something is very wrong and may need to be eliminated). If people don't want it, can't handle it, criticize it, and/or live in whatever lesser form of love/honesty/and truth than I do... then bye bye! What I was left with was a tiny team of real people. But they are the truth, and they want* and need* and truly love and accept me. I also found the same sense of want in a support group (this is because the support group was so extremely well-run by a fantastic professional who knows how to hold everyone to honesty and a non-judgemental state of mind, meanwhile in normal everyday conditions society almost forces us to walk around hiding and being phony in order to "protect" ourselves, which really ends up hurting us all in the long run).

You are priceless and incredible beyond words. So think about how you would respond, word for word, if you were the person on the other end of the things you say/do to people. Anyone who does not rise to level of response, the quality of response YOU yourself would have given, get rid of them altogheter or at least vow to never give them the gift of "you" anymore, because they clearly do not know how to truly appreciate and therefore are not worth your kindness. This will make space for only the cream of the crop, and these folks will want and need you. They may not know it now, or maybe they do. Maybe they are people you know, or maybe zero of the people you know will prove to be fit for you, and maybe the people you will meet in the near future after you drop all the lackluster ones will be the one who finally want you, for everything you really are.