Can Anyone Tell Me If My Thinking Is Dangerous?

[Tei-Saji]

At least once every day, I enter these states wherein everything I see and experience reminds me of the past. Eventually, I feel myself reliving my traumatic incidents, over and over in my head. My counselor once suggested that I try to relive these experiences differently, akin to what I would have wanted the experience to be. This is where it starts to get dangerous.

When I relive my days of being bullied in high school, I usually try to imagine myself pulling a gun or grenade out and killing everybody involved. I don't, and didn't, actually do it; it's just it's easier on my mind that way if everybody in my memory is dead. I'm aware that these are just people that exist in memory only, that I'm killing. But I want to stress that in the here and now, I don't really care about doing anything to those people. I am only harming memories of people, not the people themselves. I'm scared about continuing this mental exercise because I'm afraid I might turn insane and do all these things in real life.

Can someone tell me if this is dangerous thinking?

 

[Hansgrohe]

Yikes, I really don't know exactly what to say. Don't take my word as 100% accurate, since I can't speak for you.

Think of it this way: you're not necessarily in the wrong for holding homicidal ideation against school bullies. In fact, violent thoughts are actually perfectly human. Have you seen the "cup" explanation?
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

A lot of people with PTSD have even more trouble controlling their anger, because it's harbored. I often harbor a lot of anger and it's spewing out... I definitely need to get help with that.

However, I suggest that you find a MUCH different way of dealing with such events, and managing anger. When you think of hurting, you just get even more angry. It's not really healthy. You want to be at peace, not be at even more war (especially for things that aren't happening in the present).

 

[Kintsugi]

I think the probability that this exercise will turn you into a homicidal maniac is very low. I would, however, discuss this with your therapist.

It strikes me that this pattern is negative. You are seeing your solution as "No one involved gets out alive."

What if instead you thought of something positive? Like, "Seven mystical pegasi fly in and form a protective barrier around me, and then my assailants all crap themselves at this phenomenon, and we all have a roaring laugh and live out our days cheerfully with the pegasi."

See how different those are? I wonder how you see everyone dying as a better scenario than what actually happened. Really play that out. Is it better?

It seems to me that you are fighting fire with fire instead of what the exercise is probably intended to do, which is more like to fight fire with rainbows.

 

[Dee Morris]

My question is why do you "try" to imagine a homicidal outcome? This implies that you deliberately choose this scenario rather than something like Simply simon suggested. Any insight?

 

[Tei-Saji]

My question is why do you "try" to imagine a homicidal outcome? This implies that you deliberately choose this scenario rather than something like Simply simon suggested. Any insight?

Not really. It just makes the memory end and make me realise it's only a memory. It might come back later, though. In any case, I'll try something else, or something...

 

[Dee Morris]

Good idea. Replacing a traumatic memory with something equally or more traumatic is not helpful. The idea is to take away the power the memory has over you. I try to imagine a more positive outcome like being saved from my trauma. I have difficulty with unrealistic outcomes like flying unicorns or whatever, but it helps me in the moment. I might then readdress the memory at a more convenient time because the more I allow myself to address the memories as they actually occurred helps me become desensitized to the memory. The more I allow myself that process in a controlled, relaxed environment the less intrusive the memories become. They don't go away, just easier to manage.

 

[Seagreen]

I'm scared about continuing this mental exercise because I'm afraid I might turn insane and do all these things in real life.

This may not be true but if it makes you feel that way then I don't think you should do it.

I went through a stage where I would not be able to stop thinking about a particular incident. Eventually I started to imagine myself killing the attacker. I just wanted it to stop!! It was both confronting and liberating, but it also scared the shit out of me! It felt like a pathway to destruction, vengeance, rage.. This is not who I am or where I want to end up.

I think its unhealthy. You may not go out and kill anyone but its still not a good road to take.

I'm not sure its healthy to try and change a memory in anyway (?) Lying to yourself can be damaging, especially if you are already feeling unstable. It almost seems like another version of avoidance in this case. Can you discus this further with your therapist?

If it were me I would avoid indulging these thought as much as possible. All the best.

 

[RussH]

I think if you dig down to the heart of the matter, the reason you envision these acts of violence is you have the need to go back and defend yourself.

I too am a bully victim, and one of the things we deal with are self hatred for allowing it to happen and not defending ourselves. So in you fantasies about the past you choose to defend yourself instead of taking the abuse, and what you are really imaging is a form of self condemnation " if I were not such a weakling then I would have acted this way" kind of a thing.

What you should start working realizing that you were a victim, and you were put into a position where it was almost impossible for you to stand up for yourself. Yes it is nice to envision ourselves as a hero that steps in and stops the bullying, but the truth is we did what we needed to do at the time to just survive.

Another thing to consider is, when the bullying was taking place you did not respond with violence, and that makes you a pretty good person in my book.

 

[Hope4Now]

Remember that thoughts and feelings are normal and natural. They are not dangerous. It's how we choose to act on them that cause problems.

Imagining your attackers dead because you defended yourself doesn't actually hurt anyone. It says that you have a lot of hurt and anger and fear inside you that needs to be processed. If it's scaring you when you do this kind of reimagining the past, you might consider talking with your therapist about doing this kind of work with him or her in your sessions so s/he can work with you to balance all the intensity.

It's really important to share with your therapist your experiences around reimagining the past, and the fears it raises about what you might do in the present. This is the stuff that is at the core of beginning to process trauma.

It's great that you have been brave enough to share here on the forum.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Oh, I used to imagine my abusers dying in the most horrible ways.
I even wrote the most messed up poems about it. About dragging their mutilated bodies through the shit they did to me.

Uh yeah I know it sounds grave. But I have never actually killed or mutilated and I am one hundred percent certain that I never will. :roflmao:
I think I actually read some article about this topic but it was quite a while ago, and I have no idea how to find it now. Anyway, it is quite common.

 

[Rumors]

I dream about pushing my abuser off of a balcony in a wheelchair... No worries, I think it is human to want the people who hurt us to hurt as well. Sometimes I have fun with it and dream about a parachute not opening, a hot air balloon that explodes, piranha that eat him alive in a swimming pool ???? .... And then, sometimes I just get up and leave the room which is actually my most powerful dream because I am in control and I feel strong and healthy. They are just dreams, not reality. However, for a split second I view him as punishable and defeatable which makes me feel victorious!!!! Hang in there.