Can denial of reality be avoidance?

[Deleted member 34561]

I just wondered in case I would be inadvertently be posting on the wrong board.

My question is is avoidance of Reality denial and vice versa?

Because I avoided my own truth for decades and as a result I also inadvertently avoided my kids truth as well.

It didn't help that our abusers forced us all to believe and live a pack of lies about them and ourselves.

They achieved this by various means not least plying us all with alcohol and drugs from a very young age.

Sleep deprivation, hunger, poverty, threats, intimidation, deception on a massive scale as well. Manipulation co-ersion and control too. Not to mention isolation and being discredited to all and sundry so nobody would believe us if we told.

Terror like nobody would ever believe and toxic shame and misplaced guilt

Fear of abandonment rejection and even death.

Hurting and even killing the people we all loved most in the world to demonstrate their power and to ensure our silence so the same fate wouldn't befall us.

We all became silent even to ourselves as well as each other.

We avoided the awful Reality of our situation because to face it while we were still in the grip of the abusers would have literally cost us our sanity and our lives.

We even avoided our authentic selves. Who we actually were and who we would have been if not for being buried under the weighty crap of the abuse.

We then carried on where the abusers left off and buried ourselves through the things we all did to cope with and survive the terrible effect of the abuse on our lives and very minds.

Such as addictions and acting out and acting in and self harm and the deep dark despair of depression.

We took to hiding our real selves in the shadows of our minds hoping to avoid yet more abuse from the evil ones. Members of our own family no less.

Some of whom we didn't even know were related to us genetically until now.

In the end we all even avoided each other. Because the abusers like to play the game of 'divide and conquer '.

Again we internalised it and just carried on doing it to ourselves and each other where the abusers left off.

We were eventually divided against ourselves within our own damaged minds and souls. Truly diabolical. But that was the abusers' aim all the way along.

We continued to conquer the good loving pure innocent trusting real selves we truly are inside ourselves which the abusers had brainwashed us into doing by them doing the same to us all those decades ago. Which they continued themselves as well for decades.

A many pronged attack and attempted annihilation and corruption of our very spirits.

2 of the 3 of us realised the madness was not of our own making and woke up and got free.

Sadly the 3rd one is still trapped still 'asleep' and has been so damaged he has now become an abuser himself.

He also abused us 2 who have escaped the abuse and avoidance of the truth about it.

And so the cycle of destruction continues.

It's all so tragic non-sensical and NEEDLESS.

All the 2 of us who have broken free can do is pray for the 3rd one's Epiphany and save ourselves in the meantime. We can do not to save him. Only he can do that for himself as we have done it for ourselves.

Us 2 escapees are still avoiding each other if not ourselves anymore. Not for lack of trying on my part though.

Another tragic consequence of all the abuse.

I pray one day this will change if God wills it to be so.

Otherwise all I can do is change the things I can and let go of the things I'm powerless to change and leave those things up to God. And hope I'm now wise enough to tell the difference.

Again if I've accidentally put this on the wrong board apologies.

God bless you all and thanks for reading this.

Cheers

Boudicca xx

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, to me, denial of reality is indeed avoidance.

Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Thank you Eve for that confirmation. I was a bit confused because there was also a lot of disassociation around this stuff for me as well. Which is why I wasn't sure which board to put this post on. And thank you for the hugs I really needed them today mate :) have a ((((hug)))) back!! Bless you xx

 

[katiem]

I noted your sharing about the 2 of you who escaped, but are avoiding each other. For me, it is hard to be around my brother, who also experienced the abuse, because being around him reminds me of our childhood and that triggers me. It triggers him too and his reaction is to binge-drink. It's difficult. Sometimes writing letters back and forth, or sending each other books to read is a way to remain in touch without triggering each other. And denial of reality is definitely a form of avoidance. When you're in an abusive situation, it's often necessary to deny reality in order to survive and later, if you escape the abuse, some people deal with it by working on their feelings and others deny it ever happened in order to keep their emotions in check. We all do what we need to in order to survive.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, agreed. Denial = avoidance and avoidance = denial

Working on it. I think I liked denial better than current reality.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Thanks Katie and Shimmerz. Katie I'm so sorry about you and your brother not being to be around each other because it's too triggering for both of you. That really struck a chord with me about my youngest kid us 2 that have got free. Me being w with him wouldn't trigger so much as it would trigger him I now understand thanks to your insight. I hope things improve for all of us in time. I'm choosing to work on the feelings around everything I've remembered and realised and found out lately but for many years, decades even, I was in denial of the actual events. I'd actually forgotten them but it was set up that way deliberately by my abusers. It's all come back to me now like total recall. It's been really tough dealing with the feeling of betrayal and such extreme violation but I'm getting there now.

Shimmerz I understand where you are coming from and I understand totally. I don't know what you're going through right now so I can't really say much I just hope you're not still being abused. I know a lot of people who think denial is an easy way out including myself for a long long time but I ended up bloody insane and its only since I've started facing my truth I'm not so crazy anymore lol :) it's all relative lol :) yeah the truth bloody well hurts that's why we avoid it. But I can honestly say that once you confront the facts of your life and feel the feelings without getting overwhelmed by or lost in them and when you understand it's not your fault what other people chose to do to you you can let them feelings go and eventually the truth does indeed set you free mate :) I'm living proof of it!! And if I can do it anyone can!! It's really not that hard once you know how. Obviously I will always have my bad days but now I know I can cope with them better I'm a lot happier in myself and I don't have to let it destroy me anymore. No I don't have all the answers I wish I bloody did :) lol and I know we're all at different stages and what works for one person might not work for another but I have found Buddhism very helpful in regards to detaching from the emotions or at least feeling them up to a certain point then letting them go. Meditation has helped me enormously with this. And what I can't deal with I pass up to my Higher Power to deal with I don't always get it right but practice makes perfect so they say lol :) and it's progress over perfection. As long as we keep moving and don't get stuck or bogged down in the negativity that's the main thing mate :) anyway I hope that gave you something to think about bless ya xx