Jemini,
First of all, this is all over the place and way too long. But if nothing else, you’ll know you’re not the only one going through something like this.
Third paragraph, you said you had “period of extreme difficulty concentrating.” This rang some bells for me.
I’d been working in the software development industry (really small pond stuff, but still) since I was 19. I went through something like this when I was 23 or 24. I had accepted an offer at a consulting firm, and it was basically my job to go into a different company every day and solve problems... either systems administration and server problems or software development problems. Sometimes it was a crisis situation... 100’s of people can’t get stuff done because there’s a system wide problem. Sometimes it was just a sit down and code situation. It was something different everyday. At first, I really liked the challenge.
But okay, I’m me. At my core I’m really shy. But I could turn that off when I was working, because I felt confident in the fact I was smart and hard-working and could handle anything related to my career. But going into new companies all the time around Chicagoland and traveling to New York City, it was taking its toll. Everyday was harder for me. It finally got to the point where I was sitting looking at two lines of code for hours... and then days. And doing nothing. And I couldn’t figure it out. But I couldn’t write code either.
I never figured it out myself. Another company came and stole me away from that consulting firm. BUT THANK GOD! Because I don’t think I woulda survived. I mean, I just wouldn’t stop doing more and more. At the time not long before getting this offer at another company, the people at the consulting firm were also putting me on track to be a trainer for professionals getting their certifications. They thought I would be an ideal trainer, too. The pressure! The work! I was being pulled in a lot of directions.
So... like, don’t be me. Listen to your head when it’s trying to tell you something. I guess that was the point of all those words.
I’ve had a somewhat different experience though with software development, working for a publishing firm, an insurance company and a pharmaceutical company as a full time employee (not a consultant). You’ve been working game design and cutting edge companies. That’s really, really, really high pressure... I mean seriously. They write articles about how insane game development firms are. But lots of companies need software developers. And a lot of them can be less pressure. Truly. You can still use your skills as a programmer and also have a less high pressure job. Just keep that in mind.
Oh, and 40 hour work week... I hear you! Bob gets up in the middle of the night to e-mail his minions in Russia and Europe. He’s in conference calls at the crack of dawn, noon and midnight. But he works from home, too. So... if there’s nothing on his calendar, he can take the afternoon to goof around with the kids and take them to the park. I mean, he’s found a way to balance the pressure. Still a lot of hours, but no commute and a lot of flexibility. Maybe something like that is an option for you. Maybe you can find a job where you can work half days from home. I did that for a while years ago. It really worked for me. I guess I just want to stress, at least here in the Midwest, there are less stressful programming jobs and you can find jobs with built-it flexibility. You’ve really focused in the most outrageously stressful regions of the industry, I think.
Still, work might be good for you. Get you in a routine, meet more people. Maybe think about it this way... what’s the worst that can happen? You start the job, you have too many problems dealing with the job plus PTSD with minimal support (no fault of yours, it IS a ton to deal with), you go on temporary leave or you quit. So... Can you just not add that company to your resume? Explain your work history as dealing with PTSD since April 16th? I mean, does that work? Because it can be hard... some areas of the industry are very tight knit and word gets around (this happened to me), but sometimes this can work, too. I mean, sure you don’t want to let them down at the new company, you want to do your best... but maybe if you think about the worst case scenario if you *do* try... and if you find it’s not so bad... maybe that will help in making your decision. I honestly can’t know all the circumstances, and I know I’m making a lot of guesses and assumptions. I’m just trying to help. I hope I’m making my point clear and possibly giving you a new way to look at the problem.
My biggest worry here though is two-fold. If you go to work and have to quit, that’s going to make dealing with life and your PTSD so much worse! You’re going to get really depressed and down on yourself. (Which, y’know... you shouldn’t do. You’re dealing with a lot. Be kind to yourself.) But I am worried for you. If somehow it worked out, though... I think that would actually help you work on your PTSD and it could be a very positive thing in your life. You’d have some grounding in a real life and a daily schedule and responsibility and working with others... all very good things. So it’s all very tricky, y’know? It’s no wonder you’re here posting. I mean... it makes sense to get advice, because it is a really tough choice, that’s more than obvious to me.
In the end, after you get advice, you’ll still be the one that has to decide. But apparently, being a perfectionist is irrational. Humans are supposed to make mistakes and be okay with that. Weird but true. So... like... my therapist gives you permission, and I do, too, to make some decision even if it turns out to be a mistake. ;) (*A little sarcasm, but, hey, maybe my therapist is right as well*) Because y’know what’s not healthy? Not deciding. You’re really not helping yourself by not deciding. Make a choice, even if it’s the wrong one.
Oh, and so weird... in my Trauma Diary, I just said, more than anything I would love to go to college. If that was an option, I’d say yes immediately. Not to study trauma, though, no way. Architecture. Writing. Literature. History. Economics. But hey, I’m a homeschooler, I can study those things even though I don’t have the cash to go to college. But wouldn’t it be awesome if I could!
For me personally... my worry right now... maybe a job isn’t the right thing for me at the moment. Working with two therapists, doing research on PTSD, churning out tens of thousands of words in journaling about my trauma and coping skills and general damage... it’s starting to feel like a full time job. And it’s fun. (Wow, that sounds weird. I hate feeling normal. Normal is weird.) I’m determined. I have the option not to work. And in breaking it down, I realize there are some things I REALLY need to focus on before getting a job and falling into my tendency to be a workaholic isn’t going to help. It’s all so incredibly hard. Because over the weekend I was determined to get a job, and I was filling out applications left and right... and then something happened to derail all that. So... hey, I understand what you’re going through and I’m right there, too. Maybe a couple months from now would be a better moment for me to go back to work, I guess, is where I’m at right now today. Tomorrow may be different. But all that makes the actual decision so hard for me. I hate all this dithering back and forth. And it’s really not healthy for me either.
Acute trauma, no job, separated from spouse (yeah, that started up again)... that’s all true for me. I don’t have any family besides Bob and the kids (I mean, I am very lucky and I love my kids, but y’know, there’s not really any adult support happening for me right now). I mean... I don’t talk to Bob’s family. God, how ‘bout some radical honesty? Why didn’t I finish filling out job applications? Because I couldn’t name three friends (not family) with names, phone numbers and addresses to put down as references. That’s just how bad I let things get in my life. I have one friend I can use as a reference. The rest of the people who I consider friends... y’know, we meet at open gym for the kids or park day or holiday homeschool parties or parent’s night. We just moved here a year ago... I’ve only had one long conversation with a neighbor and wave and say hello, how are you to a few others. I mean... really, not enough. God. I can’t believe I’m saying this. Because I’m really embarrassed and I’m so totally screwed up and pathetic! But there you go, open forum, enjoy. So, yeah, it’s not the same, but then again, you’re not the only one.
So... as I see it, here’s a summary.
1) I’m not sure about this company. Maybe look around for another programming job, something at a less stressful firm. Or talk to them about flexibility... working at home 2 or 3 days a week? That would ease the issues with commute and with getting to therapy. You can present it like this... “I’m thinking I might like to start this job, but I am worried. Are you open to me working from home 2 or 3 days a week?” This can work depending on the job. For me, in the past, I spent certain days in meetings, and certain days devoted to nothing but coding by myself without talking to anyone else. But I am very concerned this may not be an option with this particular job.
2) REDRUM, it’s a real thing. Work would get you outta the house. (Ref: The Shining) Or else completely decide that your new job is working on yourself. No more excuses. Dive into everything. A set schedule, cleaning the house, showering, eating healthy, working out, meditating, etc. No longer an option. Therapy, Trauma Diary, reading and researching psych. Part of your job description.
3) Unless there’s some big downside, just do what you need to do for unemployment pay. I mean, just do that. They want to give you money, do what you have to do. Remember you have an indomitable spirit. You’re still fighting. Just because you get unemployment pay or disability, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just free money... money that can go towards those big insurance payments.
I really hope this helps even a little tiny bit,
D
P.S. God. This is not helping at all, is it? I cannot believe I’m posting this. If nothing else, you’ll get a good laugh at how I can dance both sides of a decision. Jeez. And I’d been doing so good! Ah well.
P.P.S. I’m avoiding a really scary writing assignment Therapist #3 gave me. By writing something else instead. That’s why this is so long. Because I’m a chicken. :chicken: Forgive me.
